The Easter Sunday Sermon

It’s Easter. The time of rebirth, chocolate, and rabbit casseroles. So let’s start with the first of these three pillars of Christian civilisation … and forgive me if the flow of this post seems random and doesn’t quite work. I’ve had no sleep, I drank too much beer and wine last night, and I feel about as coherent as … a not very coherent thing.

Stuart Broad is the first topic. He rose from the ashes of, erm, a dismal Ashes display to claim 6-54 in New Zealand’s first innings. I’m please to report that he bowled like the Stu-pot of old. He had rhythm, his legs were pumping, and he bowled faster than he has for about two years. What’s more, he even pitched the ball up. Shock, horror!

Broad is a completely different bowler when he’s operating around 140 kph. It doesn’t really matter that he can’t really move the ball away from the right-handers. When he hits the pitch hard using his considerable height, and then nibbles the ball a tad off the seam, he’s a handful. Welcome back Broady. You looked washed up in the Ashes but last night you looked fresher than a white T-shirt that’s just been washed in a leading detergent and then ironed by Jessica Alba.

Next up we should talk about the battling performances of Stoneman and Vince – two players who were arguably drinking in the last chance saloon. No pressure lads. I thought the former immediately looked more comfortable in the second innings. This might have been because the pitch is now good for batting; it might even have been because he thought “sod it, this could be my last test so I’m going to enjoy it”. I really don’t know. Either way it was pleasing to see.

James Vince also made a really good impression – enough to earn him at least another two or three tests I imagine. In many ways it was a typical Vince innings, but with one major difference: rather than looking like a million shekels and then getting out, this time he didn’t get out. It’s amazing how not getting out improves one’s chances of scoring runs.

The final thing we need to talk about is Alastair Cook, who was dismissed for a low score yet again. Is the little lamb about to take up lambing full time? I severely doubt it, as he’s as stubborn as a ram that wants to crack a hole in a dam, but his recent statistics are pretty damning. Here are his last twenty scores in test cricket: 46, 10, 243, 11, 23, 10, 17, 2, 7, 37, 16, 7, 14, 244*, 39, 10, 5, 2, 2, 14.

The catchphrase everyone seems to be using is ‘feast or famine’ when it comes to Cook. Obviously there’s a lot more famine than feast … and the two feasts occurred in the most benign batting conditions against weak or weakened attacks. It’s also worth pointing out that Alastair has only made 5 hundreds in his last eighty innings.

Most players, of course, would have been dropped by now. But whenever Cook goes through one of his famous lean spells, he’s given far greater opportunity than anyone else to turn things around. Some of this is because when he often goes through a purple patch when his quirky technique finally clicks; some of this is because there’s never been anyone half decent waiting in the wings to replace him; and some of this is because … he’s Alastair Cook.

A bit like Sachin Tendulkar, I imagine that Cook will be allowed to choose the time he retires. I doubt it matters how many low scores he gets. I doubt anyone will have the nerve to put their arm around him and tell him to move on – especially as the ECB’s director is a good mate of his. What’s more, I doubt the media will put any pressure on the selectors to drop him whatsoever. They all like him too much.

The other problem for the selectors is that Cook is bound to score bucketloads of runs in the county championship if he’s ever dropped from the England team. Alastair has made a career of scoring huge runs against limited opponents so he’s bound to be prolific in domestic cricket. I severely doubt he’ll do an Ian Bell and completely fall apart. He’s far too strong mentally for that.

If Cook is scoring double hundreds for Essex, he’s going to make the selectors look rather silly … especially if his (inadequate) replacement in the test team struggles. I doubt the selectors would want to risk this. What’s more, it’s going to heap even more pressure on his replacement to succeed when the inevitable “bring back Cook” campaign begins. Basically the best thing for all parties (except Essex!) would be for Alastair to just walk away from cricket altogether when his international career expires.

Before I sign off, and try to get some bloody sleep, I should quickly mention David Warner’s press conference. Unlike Steve Smith he refused to say that nobody else was involved in the ball tampering conspiracy. What’s more, he refused to say outright that this was the first time he’s tampered with the ball. Hmmmmm. If he was a politician he’d have Jeremy Paxman screaming “answer the question”!

The other thing that struck me at the press conference was how high Warner’s voice became when he started blubbing. He sounded like a man suffering from a SPATFA – that’s a fictitious specific penile and testicular abnormality that affects Aussies rules players with skin tight shorts. Those familiar with the broader Twelfth Man discography will know what I mean!

Obviously the three cheating amigos have received quite a lot of sympathy in recent days – a backlash to the hysterical reaction back home in Australia. However, much as a it’s uncomfortable watching grown men cry in front of the cameras, I refuse to have any sympathy for Smith, Bancroft, and Warner in particular. Why? Because they don’t deserve to become victims. Having said that, I think a little perspective wouldn’t go amiss. These guys cheated but they’re not murderers.

And there endeth the Easter lesson.

James Morgan

2018-04-01T07:50:58+00:00 April 1st, 2018|NZ v England 2018, Test Cricket|28 Comments

About the Author:

James is a freelance copywriter, writer and author. He's the editor and co-founder of The Full Toss. Email james@thefulltoss.com.

28 Comments

  1. Andy April 1, 2018 at 8:19 am - Reply

    Happy Easter James, won’t comment too much today as wife is nagging me about various stuff before the family descends on us for dinner, but so heartened to see Vincey get a decent knock. Looked sublime as always when cover driving but like you say, pitch was certainly no WACA!

    Enjoy the day
    Andy

  2. Andy J April 1, 2018 at 8:28 am - Reply

    I’m not sure anyone is suggesting Smith, Warner and Bancroft are murderers. They are the worst sort of school bully to whom nothing was off limits including the suicide of Jonny Bairstow’s Dad. They have been found out and expelled from school.

    • Tom April 1, 2018 at 8:30 am - Reply

      Wait, what? That’s disgusting if true.

      • Andy J April 1, 2018 at 8:37 am - Reply

        According to off the record comments from a journalist who I have a lot of respect for. Religion was another area of mirth apparently.

        • Mike Chaffin April 1, 2018 at 9:10 pm - Reply

          I remember a story about a New Zealand captain whose wife ( I think) was killed in a train crash many years ago.

          Walked out to bat and was greeted by,” Choo choo” from the convicts.

          • JohnB April 1, 2018 at 11:00 pm - Reply

            A fair effort on the Australians’ part given NZ were playing Sth Africa at the time and didn’t play another test against Australia for about 20 years, assuming you’re referring to Bob Blair.

            • JohnB April 1, 2018 at 11:02 pm - Reply

              I see you’re referring to Chris Cairns and his sister. If true, that’s the sort of sledging that should get you a never to be selected again rating.

            • Mike Chaffin April 2, 2018 at 2:48 am - Reply

              My memory could be faulty though seem to remember at least one Chappell being mentioned… Late 70s?

              Don’t recall the specifics.

          • Pete Cresswell April 2, 2018 at 8:48 pm - Reply

            Chris Cairns himself went on record (well before his own disgrace) as saying those “Choo choo” rumours were not true

    • dlpthomas April 1, 2018 at 9:15 am - Reply

      Are we sure the story is true? For years Steve Waugh was accused of making train noises when chris cairns came out to back despite the fact the cairns repeatedly said it did not happen.

      • dlpthomas April 1, 2018 at 9:23 am - Reply

        obviously that should be “bat” not “back”

  3. Tom April 1, 2018 at 8:29 am - Reply

    Spatfa … gold.

    With regard to Smith, some of the briefings coming out of CA are suggesting he didn’t know the details of what was going on.

    While I think that could well be the case, I’m aware this could also be a kind of confirmation bias. I’m wary because I expect there will be a concerted effort to shift blame onto Warner, thereby rehabilitating Smith as quickly as possible.

  4. Doug M April 1, 2018 at 8:44 am - Reply

    Problem is Vince and Stonman both average just 30. Nowhere near good enough for top 3 test players. Your right James, unfortunately the selectors, if that’s what you call them, will stick with them now.
    Cook, sorry should stand aside. Got to get new blood in.
    As for bowling, well it’s still seems that it’s the OAP’s who are the only ones capable of getting wickets. Wood and Leach don’t look world beaters, and unless Wood can hit 90mph it’s just another right armer we don’t need.
    But we might actually win this, so Happy Easter all.

    • dlpthomas April 1, 2018 at 9:17 am - Reply

      The pitch is starting to turn a bit so it will be interesting to see how Leach goes in the second innings. Wood bowled at about the same speed as Boult but without the swing.

  5. Silk April 1, 2018 at 8:51 am - Reply

    If Habeeb continues his good start to the season, our new ur-Selector (whoever that might be) has a big call to make

    – Drop Stoneman, despite the fact he scores more /consistently/ than Cook
    – Drop Cook
    – Ignore Habeeb

    Any bets on him (her?) fluffing the decision?

  6. Comte April 1, 2018 at 9:11 am - Reply

    The age of Cook is over. Make it so.

    • muffin April 2, 2018 at 4:44 pm - Reply

      The problem is, who would do any better than Cook (though currently the answer to that question would seem to be “almost anybody”!)

  7. Andy Cheese April 1, 2018 at 9:12 am - Reply

    Nice to see Broad having a good match. This will do wonders for his confidence. As to Warner. These cheats get more airtime after being found out than they ever did before. If you commit the crime then you have to do the time. Warner is a good batsman but a poor sportsman. Can’t we just leave these guys in the wilderness for a year and then see how the land lies.

    • dlpthomas April 1, 2018 at 9:19 am - Reply

      That sound pretty fair. The problem is that as long as they stay in Australia, they won’t be left alone. I suspect all 3 may spend quite a bit of time overseas.

      • Steve April 3, 2018 at 3:49 am - Reply

        All reports are that they will appeal the ban from first class cricket next summer as it essentially restricts them from all high level practice and may stop them from being selected even after the ban ends. Effectively it could be an additional 9 months to the test cricket ban.

  8. James April 3, 2018 at 7:37 am - Reply

    One point on Warner that puzzles me. He apparently gave Bancroft a “tutorial” on how to tamper with the ball. How would he know enough to give this “tutorial” if he’d never done it before and it was indeed an isolated incident?

    • dlpthomas April 3, 2018 at 8:29 am - Reply

      You may get your answer here if the story is true

      https://thenewdaily.com.au/sport/cricket/2018/04/03/david-warner-tell-all/

      • James April 3, 2018 at 9:51 am - Reply

        Hmm. I hope he means the “proper place and procedures” are in meetings with CA, not “sympathetic” rehab interviews with C9 (or anyone else). There is a well established procedure when a “star” falls out of favour. The rehab interview (a “soft” interview with Piers Morgan or similar) usually forms part. Don’t be surprised if Warner breaks down in tears during it.

  9. Pete Cresswell April 3, 2018 at 8:14 am - Reply

    Job. Done. 😀

    Superb rearguard action from Latham, Sodhi, Wagner et al.

  10. SimonH April 3, 2018 at 9:31 am - Reply

    Fourth highest Test win in terms of runs (and the highest since 1934) for SA in Jo’burg.

    Australia’s period of introspection lasted about a week before more moaning about opposition behaviour. SA were apparently guilty of thrashing them the wrong way. With two sessions to spare, FDP should’ve batted on longer!

    • James April 3, 2018 at 9:56 am - Reply

      And presumably shouldn’t have let Philander bowl. A stunning spell of 6-3-3-6 at one point today.

  11. Pete Cresswell April 3, 2018 at 4:32 pm - Reply

    As per usual, Jarrod Kimber has nailed it – his take on tampering
    http://www.espncricinfo.com/story/_/id/22950998/cricket-ball-tampering-problem-plain-sight

  12. Cricket-Now April 4, 2018 at 5:53 pm - Reply

    Smith messed up big time but jeez have a bit of sympathy. He didn’t kill anyone. He made a mistake and will be punished enough, he could become depressed from this sort of thing. No need to continue going after him anymore. Its over.

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