The kids got me up at 6 o’clock, and all I got was a pair of socks, I had to do all the washing up, and then obviously David Warner scored a hundred. Happy bloody Christmas.
I don’t have much time to do a day one report I’m afraid. We’ve got the in-laws coming over in half an hour and I’m yet to make the coronation turkey. However, I have prepared the following pre-prepared statement on proceedings.
Firstly, England’s team selection. How very predictable and depressing. Apparently Tom Curran was selected because he’s got a bit of fight. This might well be true. He looks like he could start an argument in solitary confinement. However, call me a traditionalist but I’ve always thought that the ability to keep one’s front foot behind the line is rather more important than having spunk.
Secondly, why wasn’t Mason Crane selected? Moeen Ali is about as effective as a condom with a hole in it overseas. And he wasn’t even fully fit. If Crane isn’t ready for test cricket then he shouldn’t have been named in the squad.
Thirdly, this bloody pitch. Sometimes I think the authorities are deliberately trying to kill off test cricket. Why else would you get 90,000 in the ground and offer up a pudding like this? It’s not good enough. Jimmy Anderson gave a pretty candid interview about the pitch at the close of play and I agree with him 100%.
Fourthly, I didn’t think England bowled too badly … for England. We don’t have any firepower so keeping things tight with the older ball is about all one could expect on this featherbed. Some thought that Bancroft’s tortured innings, and Khawaja’s latest failure, demonstrated that the pitch was tricky for batting as well as bowling. This is clearly codswallop. Bancroft and Khawaja struggled because they’re not very good. End of.
And finally … just to offer everyone a glimmer of hope … England might actually have a chance of securing a draw on this surface. The locals say it won’t break up as the game goes on, and it won’t spin much either. Although this might create the most boring game in history, at least it gives our beleaguered batsmen the chance to bat time and avert a whitewash.
What’s more, with Starc injured and the pitch offering no pace or movement, Alastair Cook might actually get some runs this time. Here’s hoping. If he can’t score runs on this then he never will.
James Morgan
If the pitch is so benign, how many do you expect England to make on it? 450-plus surely?
Tom. How come you comment literally ten seconds after I’ve posted? Are you psychic or something? Or do you sit with http://www.thefulltoss.com in your browser and sit there clicking refresh all day? I hadn’t even posted the link on Twitter before you commented today.
England bloody well should score 450 on this. Unless Australia get 600 and we’re totally fatigued and mentally disintegrated. Had we batted first I would have expected 450 minimum.
I was watching you as you posted it.
Ha! So that’s who put the hidden camera in my bedroom :-)
If England can’t rack up 500+ on this feather bed then the whole team should retire. It’s exactly the Type of pitch you don’t want to see in test cricket.
Warner Came out and played a one day style innings which is what warner does.. he could have been out a lot but wasn’t. His day for luck. However, how has no one picked up on his lack of front foot ability !! Still they bowl short to him .. clueless
After that, khawaja and Bancroft made England look good by being dismal (relatively accurate but lacking anything resembling and then smith came in and took the Micky.
Sadly there was verbals again during the game which the tv wasn’t allowed to show and so again, the ICC needs to stamp out this verbal crap which is unnecessary and adds nothing to the game.
Anderson, broad and co.. you’re playing crap so shut up.. warner.. shut up as you got lucky.. everyone just do what you’re paid to do and play actual Cricket not boorish childish sledging.
I’ll continue to watch because it’s test cricket and it’s England but this is unenjoyable Cricket to,watch, and that’s not even before thinking about which side I’m supporting .
Sa vs zim is on sky for any other saddos like me who want more test cricket.. gym while watching then 6-700balls in th nets before 2330comes around for more pain
It wasn’t quite one for the purists, it was bad cricket all round.
England delight in wasting the new ball and then they’ll be wondering why they spent 150 overs in the field. I actually enjoyed Warner’s innings, and wresting a compliment from me for a convict batsman isn’t going to happen often. He played the conditions and the bowling and really should have got a century before lunch.
Still it wasn’t as entertaining as it should have been, as his showmanship should have allowed. Because the bowling was awful. Wrong length again.. The LP is on repeat.
To my mind Curran was the pick of the bowlers. Maybe a little too enthusiastic with the slower ball, a bit nervous at first. His spell after lunch with Jimmy should have been entertaining stuff. It was certainly well bowled though sadly, after a glimmer of excitement with the no ball, it was at Bancroft and Khawaja. Both were unrepentantly crap. If representing your country in front of 90,000 fans is a privilege they made it look like a chore. Warner had showed how one could play, those two showed how to collect your match fee whilst giving nothing back. Maybe the odd Aussie was secretly hoping a young legspinner might rip them out in much the same way I enjoyed Warner’s innings?
We can’t expect every aussie cricketer to be a Starc, Smith or a Johnson but… geez. Way to suck all possible energy out of the match.The contrast with the very ordinary BBL match afterwards couldn’t have been much greater. Sure the match will probably go the distance and they probably sold the tickets in advance for good profit. Difficult to take many positives in reheared England style though. Daddy can I watch a test match for Christmas? You sure son? The highlights was 4 minutes long.
As predicted by everyone Ali was crap. Again. All bar possibly Anderson outbowled by the young debutant at 5th grab, again. Smith untroubled. Again. Odd and defensive fielding positions leaving chances go begging. Again.
It’s a curiously awful series.
A bit of legspin from Malan soothed my soul though it could and should have been so much more.
Strange that Dawid hasn’t bowled more.
Agreed. If you’re struggling for wickets why not give the part time leggie a bowl?
He might even be better than part-time?
Maybe as a first innings containment bowler yes. He’s certainly better than Moeen.
Difficult to judge him on the true test of a leggie as I’ve never seen it. I have my doubts, I’d want to see him a good few mph faster and giving it a proper rip rather than rolling it.
Not for me to say he can’t though suspect he might get a chance to show us later in the match. Ideally we get runs on the board and he’s given licence to attack.
The best way to bowl legspin is whatever works for you. For instance in the WBBL there’s a lass called Raake. Very short and bowling really slow flighty legspin, which is very hard to do. Looks innocuous but it’s a skill all of it’s own. Tich Freeman did alright with it!
Rashid Khan is the opposite end of the scale. Quick, can get away with bowling short and works his variations. Can only think of Qadir who could do both.
Malan is more towards the flighty and I’d actually like to see him a little bit roundarm and drifting it against set batsmen. But we’ve only seen him bowl on roads so who knows?
Warner didn’t pay the bowling. He was Nearly caught in the gully point area loads !! Jesus, why are people so blinkered. He played a one day innings and it came off. Fair play but it’s hardly good test cricket
Warners’s scored 6000 runs @ 48 hitting the ball in the air past or over fielders this is how he bats. 5 fastest in terms of number of tests played to reach 6000. (Smith will shortly, perhaps this test, move him down one place).
You might not like his methods but it’s effective for Warner.
Modern game, flat wickets and majority powder puff bowling. He is a destroyer of it.
I could t care less his methods tbh, just a shame test cricket is so crap that a white ball player has been able to flourish
Not entirely modern or one day influenced. A lot of top order convicts through the ages deliberately play aerial through the gaps in the cordon.
At which point Aussies think great shot and we think you streaky bastid!
Ish. If it was going up and over then sure. These were not. Mute point now anyway, it’s the way the modern game is and England have now done enough for people to crow about how good they are again. Roll on Nz and home green tops and we can hear the words ‘world class’ again
Was going to add I did find the eary battle between Smith and Anderson engrossing. Anderson around the wicket and pitching it up ( gosh fancy that!). A leg slip, short mid wicket… First over went well.
With Curran bowling really well at the other end I was looking forward to him mirroring Jimmy, the young enthusiastic debutant against Smith especially after Overton had knocked him over.
10 runs in 11 overs before that. Too tense… Time to change the bowling.
When you can feel these things from thousands of miles away why can’t Root from mid off?
Can’t see how the Aussie selectors can justify picking Khwaja ahead of Maxwell.
Khawaja’s superior Test and FC record?
That said, he might go the way of Handscomb if he doesn’t get some runs soon.
Aus playing like they Cba. Gifting wickets
Curran referred to MCC for suspect delivery.
England’s young debutant was left distraught last night after news that the MCC was convening it’s 127 member committee on suspect deliveries to review footage of his action.
Sir Tarquin Hortentort, the honorary lifetime chairman of the SDC since birth, refused to comment however was reported as being even more apopletic with rage than normal whilst sipping his pink gin.
“He saw it live on TV and then we knew the young lad would be in trouble.” a close confidant from Eton told our correspondent.
“It’s a shame too as he has clearly conformed. He hasn’t broken Harrison’s speed limit, his arm is ramrod straight and we could use a young thruster like him as a pin up boy for the MCC coaching manual”.
Whilst the details are unclear it is likely that Curran has been referred due to shocking footage which appreared to show him using the crease to deceive the Australian batsmen.
“When they sober up I think they’ll be considering other charges too.” droned Michael Vaughan.
“Whilst I was busy trying to bore the Aussie batsmen out from the commentary box I think I spotted a slower ball from the back of the hand. The SDC won’t take kindly to it if they notice.”
Graeme Swann meanwhile appeared confused by the allegations.
“Jimmy has been brilliant, rarely above 83, Broady has been even more brilliant. No wickets but oooooh the consistency.”
And of Curran?
“Ooooohhh… I never roomed with him so he might be rubbish. Who knows? Not a hair gel sharer? Leaves the cap off the toothpaste? Could be all sorts of things.”
Tom Harrison meanwhile appeared to support the action.
“I think there’s a case to answer here. They don’t pay me and Andrew almost as much as Jimmy Anderson to defend the indefensible and I see this as a matter of ill discipline. Andrew and I are taking wickets out in the middle with our plan.”
“Everyone knew the plan, the coach reminded the players of their duties under the plan. We even imposed a curfew so that these young professionals could rehearse the plan. It’s our plan! Ours! Ours I tell you!”.
Ken Oathcarn meanwhile was visibly upset. “He bowled Smudge. Denied the new Bradman a ton. Don’t worry though, we’ll get the drongo, coach it out of him”.
A member of the ICC’s panel on suspect bowling actions meanwhile defended Curran.
“Say what? His action is perfect and those slower balls a joy. I thought you were meant to use the crease.”
England moving into a strong position on Day Two at the MCG.
It’s really clicked for the ECB this match.
Certainly, it has nothing to do with senior players performing (or not performing). We know that from the first three Tests, where the results were determined by the ECB. But, like I said, the ECB has really turned it around in Melbourne.
What are you whingeing about now?
I’m not whinging about anything. Stop projecting.
I’m saying the ECB will presumably get the credit for this improved performance.
Because we all know it’s not the performance of senior players that determines results. Right?
Well, Broad finally showed up.
Cook is perhaps not so much of a puzzle – Australia are a bowler down, and with one slightly unwell, on a pitch which looks almost like on of Cook’s beloved Indian tracks – but I guess it all just clicked for Broad in this match.
Don’t we look a better team when the senior players perform ?
Whatever the reservations though, a fine effort from both.
A cynic might be tempted to draw the conclusion that Cook and Broad are more motivated by trying to save their careers than by trying to save the Ashes.
That must be it. They simply weren’t trying for the first three Tests.
If that’s your view, you’re welcome to it.
It’s not my view.
I’m still expecting England to find some way of cocking this up. How about from 192-2 to circa 280ao. Then watch wavy Davie and co smack us for 300 in the blink of an eye and a 150 run + loss results! Who reckons on it?
The “Bulldog Spirit” on display as always.
FFS, England are in a strong position. Why are you guys always racing to see who can wet the bed first?
The weather looked nice.
( actually a test post to see whether it gets an instant whingeing response!)
James seems to be ignoring Tom the Troll who adds nothing to any conversation