“Don’t Break The Pavilion!” Five Common Reactions To Getting Out In Cricket

Everyone reacts differently when they’re out. And Dan Splarn, the doyen of punched lockers and broken pavilion windows, has identified five main groups of people. Which category do you belong to? …

1. The Dressing Room Wrecker

Every bloody week it’s the same, isn’t it?

it doesn’t matter whether he’s made a golden duck or a sparkling ton, you know an almighty shitstorm is coming as soon as the Dressing Room Wrecker (DRW) is sent on his way.

Of course, this is absolutely hilarious – even more so if it’s a howler of a decision. But in the very real interest of self-preservation, you’ll bite your tongue for the time being.

As soon as the umpire’s finger goes up, DRW is immediately plotting his trail of destruction. Sometimes he’ll clatter the stumps clean out of the ground. Other times he’ll snarl furiously under his lid, punch his bat and turn a deep shade of purple as the wicket keeper adds further fuel to the fire by giving him a massive send off.

He’ll take a minimum of three big chunks of the outfield on his way back to the hutch as he recklessly swings his bat in frustration. It’s just not cricket.

The sensible folks in the team will time their walk around the boundary for the precise moment he’s out. But there’s always one poor, unfortunate straggler who hasn’t padded up in time, and is now about to face the wrath of DRW as he stomps back to the pavilion.

2. The A to Z of Excuses

“Kept a bit low, didn’t it?” Afraid not mate. You’re just not very good.

A to Z is the type of player who spends more time having the sight-screens adjusted than he actually does batting. He’ll arrive at the crease full of purpose and nervous energy, prodding at the wicket and fidgeting around with his arm-guard for approximately ages.

Why does he even have an arm-guard anyway? He’ll need to confirm his guard 3 times before dramatically halting the bowler in his tracks as he’s about to receive his first ball – for no reason at all.

The real fun and games comes when he’s out. Your teammates take wagers on what’s to blame this time around. “Pitched a mile outside leg, that one” he’ll say, “not surprised though – that umpire always pins me.” Next week the light will be to blame – “how dark is it out there? Dangerous, really.”

A to Z will stand his ground when he’s quite clearly nicked one to the slips, and will glare at the umpire for at least 10 seconds when given out LBW.

His excuses will become increasingly bizarre as the season wears on. By mid-August his latest tame dismissal will be blamed on the fact that “mid-off was staring at me”.

A to Z will bring his exceptional excuses to the field, too, where he’ll genuinely blame a dropped catch on “sweaty palms”.

3. The Star Player

Is there anything more irritating than somebody who is naturally talented at all facets of the game? No. No there isn’t.

While you’re happy enough if you manage to hit a couple off the square, avoid dropping any catches, and go at less than 8-an-over from your dibbly dobbler right-arm-mediums, The Star Player has the cheek to rock up and actually feel disappointed if he hasn’t scored 50 or taken crucial wickets.

This guy will react in suitably dignified fashion once he’s out – calmly packing away his pads and folding up his kit. But The Star Player knows he can afford to do this because the chances are he’s going to bowl a match-winning spell later on.

The Star Player will usually end up winning the game for your team and is always the first to get the pints in afterwards. In short, he’s a really good bloke, and takes the swings and arrows of amateur cricket in his stride.

But that’s the problem – he’s too good at everything. What a bastard.

4. “Well That’s A Relief”

Okay, obviously nobody actually wants to get out – but sometimes it’s a bit of a relief.

Picture the scene: this poor bloke has just spent 47 long overs chasing leather in the field. A to Z of Excuses dropped a total dolly off his bowling – “so sorry mate, I lost it in the sun!” – and at one stage he was fielding fine-leg to fine-leg.

Now it’s the tea break and he’s going to fill his boots. He’s expecting to bat down the order – somewhere nice and comfortable, like number 7 – and he’s looking forward to putting his feet up, reading the paper and maybe coming in later to make a quick 25 not out.

So he gets firmly stuck in – piling his plate high with sandwiches, crisps and cakes – remembering exactly why he loves this game so much.

But hold on, here comes the skipper …

Suddenly he’s asked to open the batting alongside your really promising youngster “to balance his talent with experience”. And before he knows it he’s padding up to face the new ball. How has this happened?

He’ll waddle out to the middle, seriously regretting that third scone with clotted cream, where two surprisingly quick opening bowlers are feeling fresh and ready to pepper him with the new cherry.

This noble champion will hang about for a bit, maybe making about 15 to 20 runs, but then his youthful opening partner will make him run consecutive threes … and this will be the final straw.

He’ll be out soon after. What a relief! And now he can finally kick back and snooze for the rest of the innings – just like he planned all along.

5. The Sulker

You have no patience for teammates that sulk when they get out. You have no patience at all. “It’s really not that big a deal”, you say, “just have a cup of tea and a Kit Kat and you’ll forget all about it.”

Problem is – you are the biggest Sulker in your team – and it will be a totally different story when you get out.

You’re that person who can’t see an umbrella without picking it up and practicing a glorious forward defensive. You actually find yourself nodding in agreement when Nasser Hussain says “that was a great leave” on TV.

Your career best score was achieved in the back garden against your flatly disinterested little sister, and sometimes you’ll voluntarily stay after nets to do extra fielding practice. For you, cricket is an obsession, so it’s a bloody nightmare when you’ve got no runs.

You, The Sulker, will trudge back to the dressing room without saying a word – where you’ll stay for at least an hour, possibly crying and listening to Snow Patrol songs.

And then it gets even worse. Someone will chuck you a white coat and tell you it’s time for your square-leg umpiring stint.

Daniel Splarn

@splarny91

3 comments

  • I’ve seen a few signs in the past of the Dressing Room Wrecker at grounds I’ve been to. Usually this is where the walls are made of plasterboard, which has the puncture marks caused by the corner of a cricket bat.

    My former club’s resident DRW once ripped the changing room door off its hinges, and on another occasion, after missing a full toss and bowled for a duck, he ripped a brand new batting pad in half.

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