The Definitive TFT Writers’ Ashes Predictions

So this is it. After weeks of build up the Ashes has finally arrived. It’s only a matter of hours until Joe Root wins the toss and inserts Australia on a featherbed after seeking advice from Nasser Hussain. Don’t laugh. It may actually happen.

In the spirit of Ashes festivities we’ve come up with a definitive TFT Ashes prediction guide. I’ve spoken to all our contributors, asked them what they expect to happen, and here are the results.

You’ll see it’s the usual mix of pie-eyed optimism, self-delusion, self-defeatism, irrationality, and theories that make about as much sense as Ben Stokes after twenty pints. Well what did you expect, serious journalism?

So, without further ado, let’s cut to chase and get on with our individual predictions. Here’s what yours truly, Peter Jackson Eastwood, Garry White, Hector Cappelletti, Jack Mendel, and Daniel Splarn think will happen this winter …

James Morgan

I’m sorry to be such a misery guts but I worry that a shellacking is on the cards. Australia might not be much cop but they’re still better than us in every single position (except wicket-keeping) in home conditions: they have slightly better batsmen, a better specialist spinner, and faster and more aggressive bowlers.

When conditions are benign I fear we’ll struggle to find a plan B. Australia, on the other hand, can revert to short pitch bowling and ruffle us up. They also have the underrated Nathan Lyon, who should keep a lid on things at one end and take useful wickets too.

Even if Root has a great series he’s unlikely to score more than Steve Smith, whose record at home is remarkable. Plus there are more question marks about our bankers (Root, Cook and Anderson) than theirs (Warner, Smith, and Hazlewood) on Australian pitches. Heaven knows how our inexperienced players will fare.

It’s not inconceivable that England prove everyone wrong – after all, Australia aren’t a great side – but I fear things could get very ugly quickly. The day-nighter at Adelaide will be key, especially if we lose at the Gabbatior. If we’re heading to Perth at 1-1 then we might have a chance. However, if we lose the first two tests then another 5-0 drubbing could be imminent.

Series Score: 0-4 to Australia

Leading run scorer: The Gerbil (Steve Smith)

Leading wicket-taker: The Bear (Josh Hazlewood)

Most likely to get sent home: Alastair Cook … he’ll go shooting and accidentally murder a koala.

Most likely to retire mid-series: Mason Crane … after losing his first three tests he’ll do an Alex Loudon and decide that cricket isn’t for him after all.

Most likely to become ‘disengaged’ – Jake Ball … the lumbering giant looks like he has trouble engaging with anything, unless it’s a late night drinking binge with Bairstow.

Peter Jackson Eastwood

As Christmas creeps closer, I want to make a confession. I don’t like Christmas films, and the one I like least is The Polar Express – dreadfully boring. But where dull locomotives are concerned, nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the relentless tedium of the Australian pre-Ashes hype train.

Ever since David WAR(ner) opened his gob to fire forth some trademark hot air, I have felt my fears and worries ebbing away. I’m light as a feather now, and why?

Simply, Australia aren’t that good. We’ve heard it all before about their bowling attack, but are they that special? Hazlewood is a line and length bowler inferior to our own openers, Starc is an excellent one-day bowler with a good yorker, but a very expensive five day operator. In fact, this is indicative of their whole attack: pace, when inaccurate, goes for a lot of runs, and quickly.

Their batting is just as flimsy as ours, (while we are lamenting the loss of Stokes, they can’t even find a new dobbler to replace the garbage Shane Watson at 6). In a combined England/Australia XI, you could make a very strong case for the inclusions of Cook, Root, Bairstow, Moeen, Broad, Woakes and Anderson.

No draws or close games as both batting line ups collapse consistently, and England nick the series.

Series Score: 3-2 to England

Leading run scorer: Steve Smith to plunder like Jack Sparrow on the Aussie tarmac. Would’ve been Sam Northeast had he been picked.

Leading wicket-taker: Stuart Broad loves giving Aussies the finger and he’s due a devastating series.

Most likely to get sent home: The fiery Craig Overton will lamp an old woman when she questions his full length. Old woman knocks Overton spark out in return.

Most likely to retire mid-series: David Warner watches Dunkirk for motivation mid-series and has a nervous breakdown. He becomes a primary school counsellor instead.

Most likely to become ‘disengaged’: James Vince … already has the concentration span of a toddler on a sugar high at Christmas.

Garry White

Although I would make our Australian friends firm favourites I really do think everything hinges on the first test. The Aussies, despite the usual low-rent trash talk are light-years away from the swagger of old.

It is easy to look at England’s line-up and adopt the look from Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”, but behind the bravado the Aussie fans have all the same concerns about their team. If we can get them on the ropes in Brisbane the media and fan backlash will be deafening, and crack sledgehammer size chunks from their already fragile self-confidence.

However, if as likely, England meekly fold in the opener, expect the entire penal colony to rest their collective boot on our throat for the rest of the series. One unedifying pasting after another will lead to a cancellation of your exorbitant BT Sport subscription before the 3rd test is out.

Reasons to be fearful are that I anticipate Smith / Warner to contribute more runs than Root / Cook (love Chef, but just can’t see him firing consistently…hope I’m wrong!). The Aussie attack is stronger in the conditions with our one consistent weapon Anderson largely negated. I also fear that Broad has looked a little toothless of late, but I have high hopes for Warwickshire’s Woakes.

Reasons to be cheerful are that the Aussies just aren’t all that. A lot of their fans consider Smith as the wrong character to lead the side and their hyped bowling attack is mostly held together by sticky tape. Their tail is also longer and they lack an all-rounder. But, sadly I expect home advantage and our previous mental scars to make all the difference.

Series Score: 3-1 Australia

Leading Run Scorer: Steven Smith – but, when he scores big just keep telling yourself that he is a dead-ringer for the evil pigs in the “Angry Birds” game (whatever gets you through the night!)

Leading Wicket Taker: Josh Hazlewood / Chris Woakes – Has the potential to be the new Ryan Harris. An alternate and happier proposition would be Chris Woakes

Most likely to get in trouble of the field: Gary Ballance – He follows up his non-playing winter-sun sojourn in India with an inactive couple of months in Australia. Expect the big lad to gorge on tinny’s and Lamingtons before blowing a sugar induced fuse.

Most likely to retire mid-series – Australia’s much vaunted pace attack. Alternatively, Graham Swann from Test Match Special. Couldn’t get that lucky and surely lightening can’t strike twice?

Most likely to get sacked – Steve Smith (can but dream!), Gary Balance and James Vince (both are draining some very bitter dregs whilst leaning on the swing-doors at the last chance saloon).

Hector Cappelletti

The old adage dictates that it’s all about the bowlers. Winning test matches depends on the potency of a team’s attack. This Ashes will be no different but perhaps victory will also be down to which batting line-up proves to be the least brittle. Australia’s isn’t overly foreboding but England’s looks a little more powder puff.

Touring Australia is hard enough when at full strength, even harder when one’s talisman is languishing at home and the squad is carrying passengers.

England’s position isn’t helped by their skipper failing to shoulder responsibility. It is obvious that the squad doesn’t possess a batsman good enough to slot in at number 3 but Root fails to lead by example and take over such a pivotal role.

Instead we are likely to have Root’s mate or Vince shoehorned in between the openers and the skipper, offering a soft underbelly right from the outset unless Cook and Stoneman begin well.

Bayliss has correctly highlighted that pretty 60’s are not going to cut the mustard but neither is offering cheap wickets either. In the T20 age where taking test wickets has become a little easier courtesy of careless, impatient batting it seems foolhardy to provide quality bowlers a considerable leg-up.

Series score: Australia 3-1

Leading run scorer: Joe Root. But a succession of nice half-centuries will win little in comparison to the two pivotal, match influencing daddy hundreds that each of Warner and Smith are likely to score during the series.

Leading wicket taker: Nathan Lyon. This is a bit leftfield but England will be concentrating to such an extent on the much vaunted quick bowlers that they are likely to come unstuck against a bowler that seems to be viewed as lower class.

Most likely to get into trouble off the field: Ben Foakes and Tom Curran. Neither have the class to match David Gower’s Tiger Moth exploits so maybe it’ll involve a dispute over hair gel, a hover board or a selfie.

Most likely to retire mid-series: Mason Crane after being persuaded to move to Australia full time with a view to playing regular test cricket for a country that pays more than lip service to legspinners.

Most likely to get sacked for being disengaged: Mason Crane as he will be mulling over the above offer on the table. Stuart Broad to also be in trouble after clattering the stumps with his bat a la Pappa Broad!

Jack Mendel

I think it will be 2-1 Australia. England are overly-reliant on their lower middle order, and our bowling attack looks weary and brittle.

Australia’s punchy batting throughout and hostile seam bowling will break England down. I think Australia will win the first Test, draw the second, win the third, England will win the fourth, and they’ll wrap up the series on the fifth.

Starc especially will ensure Moeen Ali and Jonny Bairstow can’t cash in down the order like they’ve been able to in England. Short pitched bowling will be England’s downfall.

Overall score prediction: 1-2 to Australia

Leading run scorer David Warner will tear apart our weary team

Leading wicket taker Mitchell Starc

Most likely to get into trouble off the field: Joe Root. Inexperienced captain, and they’ll try to get under his skin

Most likely to retire mid-series Anderson.

Most likely to get sacked for being disengaged post-series England’s (Aussie) coach!

Daniel Splarn

Obviously preparation has been far from great, but it seems premature to anticipate a pasting before a ball has even been bowled.

Steve Smith has spoken of “opening up a few of the scars” from our horror show of 2013/14, but – for me – this Aussie outfit aren’t as strong as they were back then, and the fact that players like David Warner are having to talk up the series as “war” proves they know this, and they’re trying to overcompensate.

Granted, a group of bowlers featuring Hazlewood, Cummins and Starc – he who just took two hat-tricks in the same match – is nothing to be sniffed at, but it’s a different prospect to the Aussie bowling attack spearheaded by a rampant Mitchell Johnson chucking down 93mph rockets with Ryan Harris at the other end.

Joe Root said it best: “We’re a completely different side and so are they.” And so it’s with this in mind that I hope the lads can keep a positive mindset and actually believe they can get a result.

Ultimately, however, I think we will become unstuck due to the lack of depth in the squad and the distraction of losing our best player before we’d even reached the departure lounge. But with players like Cook and Root, Anderson and Broad, Bairstow and Woakes, we can at least be competitive.

Overall series score: Australia 3-1

Leading run scorer: Joe Root

Leading wicket-taker: Mitchell Starc

Most likely to get into trouble: David Warner – looks like he could lose his head at any given moment. Curran also seems to have some fire in the belly.

Most likely to retire mid-series: Gary Ballance (with any luck, Ed)

Most likely to be sacked: Stuart Broad, after a vitriolic campaign by the Brisbane Courier Mail.

So what do you guys think? We’d love to hear your own predictions (and your thinking) in the comments below. Perhaps the selections of Paine and Marsh have put the home side under undue pressure? There are reasons for optimism … but probably more reasons to be fearful in my opinion. I guess we’re about to find out.

Oh, and Joe. If you win the toss at the Gabba, remember to effing bat.

James Morgan

2017-11-22T09:29:56+00:00November 22nd, 2017|Ashes 17/18|16 Comments


  1. Tom November 22, 2017 at 9:52 am - Reply

    I also have a prediction…

    Should England get a sniff of winning, their supporters will miraculously forget about how “self-deprecating” they are. The pre-series excuses will be forgotten in a flash and some MBEs might even be on the cards.

    But then, if it all ends in defeat, they’ll go right back to being “self-deprecating” and pretending they never really cared anyway.

    • James Morgan November 22, 2017 at 10:04 am - Reply

      Or … we’ll just be pleasantly surprised.

      • Tom November 22, 2017 at 11:30 am - Reply

        Will England bring back the sprinkler dance and piss on the SCG wicket to celebrate? So self-deprecating.

  2. James November 22, 2017 at 10:27 am - Reply

    Unless the weather intervenes I don’t foresee any draws. Neither batting side is good enough. Our bowlers look innocuous in Australian conditions apart from Adelaide so I fear it will be 4-1 to Australia. All that changes if we can somehow avoid losing at the Gabba.

    • Nick November 22, 2017 at 11:02 am - Reply

      Weather looks a bit dodgy for the first Test, annoyingly at the moment is the earlier parts of the day that have the most chance of rain. Of course England’s usually tactics of all out attack will probably mean results with even shortened games

    • Marc Evans November 22, 2017 at 11:59 am - Reply

      Totally agree. The questions I feel need looking at are:
      Can either side make enough runs in the first innings to avoid having to make a significant second?
      Can either batting line up knuckle down and play ugly for hours on end to secure draws?
      Can England’s front line attack stay fit for the whole series?
      On good batting tracks who still has the potential to take wickets?
      I fear the last of the above makes the Aussies firm favourites.
      Broad is due a decent series though and has produced spells as devastating as Stark. He is hardly passed it in terms of age and seems to relish the atmosphere of an Ashes series. However given his recent test contributions this may be ‘pie in the sky’.
      I still feel that if we can perform well in the first test and at least get away with an honourable draw, it would alter the whole dynamic of the series, as the Aussies are clearly expecting to rough us up. If we lose the first test badly it is hard to see a way back.
      As Goerge Michael put it, ‘you gotta have faith’. At least for the first few days.

      • AndyB November 22, 2017 at 10:40 pm - Reply

        Broad has not been able to sustain pace in the upper 80s since the knee tendonitis first flared up. Still a decent bowler, but will never again be able to run through teams with pure pace. The hope must be that he can sustain pace in the mid-80s, when he is still dangerous. His pace in recent tests has too often dropped to 80-82 mph.

  3. Nick November 22, 2017 at 10:55 am - Reply

    Overall series score: Australia 3-0
    Leading run scorer: Usman Khawaja
    Leading wicket-taker: Chad Sayers
    Most likely to get into trouble:
    Most likely to retire mid-series: James Anderson
    Most likely to be sacked: Usman ‘Escapegoat’ Khawaja

  4. Hungerpang November 22, 2017 at 11:47 am - Reply

    Overall series score: They’ll collapse worse than us on one occasion, so 4-1 to Aus
    Leading run scorer: Smith
    Leading wicket-taker: Starc
    Most likely to get into trouble: Stokes, even though he’s not there
    Most likely to retire mid-series: Anderson. Cummins might well break down, too. If Jimmy gets bowled by Cummins we’ll have a scorecard reading Anderson B Cummins – as distinct from Anderson C Cummins, who turned out for the Windies a few times (and Canada, I think)
    Most likely to be disengaged: Vince when 22 not out

  5. AndyB November 22, 2017 at 2:55 pm - Reply

    I have one prediction.

    Most likely to go home injured halfway through series – Woakes.
    It is not that Woakes is especially prone to injury on the field; it is just that he is so sensible that certain teammates (no names) may resort to leaving trip wire on the stairs after he suggests a 3 am visit to a nightclub in the middle of the WACA test may not be a good idea. And Woakes, being married only this year, may see the sick note as no bad thing.

  6. Silk November 22, 2017 at 10:09 pm - Reply

    Ask me tomorrow. The next 90 overs (if we get them in) are pivotal. Both batting lineups are fragile as hell.

    Whoever has their tail up by close tomorrow will win the series I think.

    • JohnB November 22, 2017 at 11:06 pm - Reply

      Didn’t quite work out that way last time!

  7. AndyB November 22, 2017 at 10:48 pm - Reply

    For those (on both sides) worrying about ‘bottle’ and players having mental problems, may I recommend the Barry Richards article in last months The Cricketer. He bemoans the introduction of helmets because, whilst the risk of injury still exists, they have removed the fear of death! (I assume he forgot about Phil Hughes). It rather sums up the change in the game over the last 30-40 years.

  8. Nigel November 23, 2017 at 11:51 am - Reply

    What none of us predicted… the selectors don’t look quite so daft after all.

  9. lijo george November 26, 2017 at 6:19 am - Reply

    Overall series score: Australia 3-1

    Leading run scorer: Steve Smith

    Leading wicket-taker: Noiiice Garry

    Most likely to get into trouble: David Warner

    Most likely to retire mid-series: Gary Ballance

    Most likely to be sacked: Anderson

  10. Steve November 26, 2017 at 10:41 am - Reply

    David Splarns (and that goes for much of the analysis here) assessment of Mitchell Johnson and Ryan Harris (and Siddle ) Not being a match for Hazlewood, Starc and Cummins, seems to suffer from
    a) a great deal of hindsight – going into the 13/14 series Johnson was they guy who as the song says “bowls to the left bowls to the right, that mitchel johnson sure bowls shite.” Harris was good but was always 1 match from a break down, and siddle was living on a diet of bananas.
    b) thorough misunderstanding of the current Australian bowlers who are yes less experienced than Broad and Anderson but also all three are probably better bowlers, especially in these conditions.

    Hazlewood has a better bowling average than either Broad or Anderson and is an allround better bowler. Full stop. Yes on a seaming swinging greentop Anderson is god’s gift to bowling, but outside of these narrow conditions Hazelwood is a better bowler (and better now than the one who averaged 25 in the last ashes). Starcs average is also lower than Broads but higher than Anderson’s at a similar point in their careers but quite likely to go below Anderson by the end of the series. So yes he will leak a few runs but he’ll take wickets faster also. Pat Cummins doesn’t yet have the number of tests under his belt but his limited sample is promising and could be (probably is) every bit as good as the other two. I don’t think there has been as good an Australian pace attack since McGrath and Gillespie were at their peak (ie not 2005 Gillespie). Lyon is not Warne but he is the second best spinner (all types) Australian have had in the last 50 years and will likely end his career with 500+ wickets.

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