Everyone in the world, excluding those residing on planet Pringle, believes England are going to walk this Oval test. It’ll be a stroll. The only way we can possibly lose is if Jimmy Anderson spontaneously combusts after picking a fight with his own reflection – something which does occasionally happen when he’s applying his brylcreem (apparently).
I suppose Cook could blow it too with bizarre tactics if India’s batsmen get on top for a session or two. But considering India’s weak showing thus far in the series (Lord’s excepted) this is pretty unlikely to happen. In fact, it’s about as likely as Paul Downton popping down to the Surrey shop to buy one of the many Kevin Pietersen T-shirts on offer. Or indeed, Giles Clarke’s rotund torso actually fitting into one.
However, this is cricket we’re talking about. Anything can happen. What’s more, we’re talking about England, the new look England, the team that has looked both phenomenal and phenomenally rubbish at various times this summer. If we play as poorly as we did at Lord’s and Headingley, India have the weapons to sneak a result; especially if Ishant Sharma, the bane of Cook’s existence, actually turns up fit.
Consequently, in a typical mainstream media way, I’m going to try and inject some excitement into a match-up many believe is a foregone conclusion. I admit that some of the following arguments are weaker than Joe Root’s left arm, but hey, some of them might resonate with you (if you like a punt or two).
Let’s get started. Firstly, England have relied on Broad and Anderson a little too much this summer. The good news for Dhoni and Co is that the former is banged up, and might only appear in a phantom of the opera mask, while Anderson actually has a pretty poor record at The Oval.
If England’s two bowling linchpins have off-days, who exactly is going to take our wickets? Maybe Woakes and Jordan will. Yeah right! Good luck with that one.
If England pick Finn and Stokes, who are both genuine wicket takers, bowling India out shouldn’t be a problem. However, since when have England trusted flair over the mechanical?
My gut is telling me that both Stokes and Finn will be left out on the dubious grounds they’ll concede a whopping 3 runs per over (rather than 2.8).
Woakes might look like a carbon copy of the stereotypical right arm medium-fast English seamer that you see in all the ECB endorsed coaching textbooks, but since when has Dhoni given a crap about aesthetics? Old MS will grab his Alan Partridge over-sized dinner plate and help himself to the buffet.
If Moores looks like he’s wavering, and might abandon one of the historic cornerstones of Flowerism by selecting the more exciting option, I expect the puppet master himself to appear from the skies and lay down the law with an iron fist: “Thou Shalt Not Pass … on reliability and steadiness in favour of excitement and positivity”.
Basically, what I’m saying is that England’s team selection might actually give India something of a sniff. Do India really have a good chance? Probably not. But it is, nevertheless, an opportunity they wouldn’t otherwise have. Make sense? Me neither. But then again who would have thought that Steve Smith would turn into a respectable test player?!
So if you smell an upset, or you’re willing to bet your mortgage on England, you can get a free £50 bet if you create an account with Betway. We’ve been trying to tell you about this in our left-hand sidebar for the last few weeks. The odds are good and it’s easy to do.
Anyway, I’m off to put a few quid on Moeen Ali scoring a ton. Apparently, Kumar Dharmasena has told the beard that’s feared to grab his crotch at the end of every flourishing off-drive. Rumour has it this is a sure-fire way to hit the ball harder with less chance of being caught.
James Morgan
Written in collaboration with Betway
India have been absolutely awful in the past two games and looked as if they had money on England to win both games.
I have to say that thought crossed my mind in a serious way.
Dear oh dear oh dear, what an irony that would be. If the greatest comeback in sports history (according to Pringle & his mates) turned out to be ‘fixed’ for far eastern betting syndicates.
No, India have just been crap. A good county team would have offered more resistance. Assuming reasonable weather, I think it will be all over by Saturday night. Sunday morning at the latest. Not that I want to watch much of it, as Sky (according to the last thread) are planning on turning it into a giant cringe worthy jamboree of Sky propaganda.
I already resent paying £50 a month to watch a picture that is plastered with Sky logos. And I have to mute the sound when Srauss is offering up his banalities or Gower is taking 5000 words to say what could be said in 100. Whenever Gower is asking a question he answers it before his co commentators have had a chance to give a response. And he then interupts as soon as they start talking. And if any of them remotely goes off ECB message he shuts them down immediately. Nasser, Atherton, and Bumble (despite his one eyed jingoism) are worth listening to. No doubt when Cook retires he will be welcomed with open arms by Sky. Time cancel my subscription then.
“No doubt when Cook retires he will be welcomed with open arms by Sky.”
Apparently, Colvile just asked Nasser Hussain whether Alastair Cook is the best England captain of the Sky era (1990-present). Like, seriously.
And yet there are people who still question whether there is a “cult of Cook”.
If you’re that upset about it all Mark, stop your subscription now.
There’s a simple solution to your problems with the cricket media – stop reading them. I don’t go near Newman, Etheridge or Pringle’s columns, because I don’t rate them – I do read Dobell, Booth and Atherton.
Never understand people who read stuff just to get outraged by it and post reactions to it. The Mail is a filthy, abhorrent rag and probably gets about 30% of its web traffic from people who seem to want to be offended. You do realise your visit is just as valuable to them commercially as their target market.
Is there any way we could get through a thread without it descending into a whinge about the cricket media?
I don’t read Newman or Pringle or Selvey now. But why Should I not be entitled to my opinion? They get paid to give theirs.
As for Sky that is a different case to a newspaper. If you don’t pay Sky you don’t get to see any cricket. I pay £600 per year for the privilege. I’m a customer and I am have a right to give my opinion.
Why do you come on this site and reply to people like me who you don’t agree with? Seems you don’t practice what you preach.
It’s a discussion forum, Mark – I’m responding to something you’ve posted that I have an opinion on.
My main issue is that every single discussion thread here ends up focussing on the main stream media’s reporting of Cook as much as discussion about Cook himself.
Can we blame Cook for Clarke’s ‘right family’ comment, or the way that certain members of the media treat him? All the guy is trying to do is score runs and win cricket matches.
I have no problem with you or anyone else giving your opinion. I have no problem with you or anyone giving an opinion I disagree with.
But you said the following…..
“Never understand people who read stuff just to get outraged by it and post reactions to it.”
I don’t read stuff to get outraged by it. I read stuff, and then either agree or disagree with it. And them I give my opinion.
If no one gives an opinion that is different form every one else what a boring world it will be.
Suspect it was an unfortunate turn of phrase. I gave up reading newspapers over 20 years ago when I realised their opinions were no more valid than my own. What I never understand is why people read the things at all.
Fair enough Mark, but hope you understand my point – on this site, discussion of Cook invariably ends up being more about the ‘cult’ of Cook, and talk of press ‘eulogising’ him, which just over the top.
If you want to understand the ‘fringe idiot’ comment (over the top again), you should read some of the comments here – they are fairly extreme!
Brilliant piece!
Really enjoyed this. Article hitting the nail on the head while laced with humour. Brill.
this england setup as become a parody of itself – all we need now is for the current test team to be named as the one day team
Great read James, any piece with an Alan Partridge reference gets my vote…
I’d bring Finn in, I don’t think he’d be any more costly run wise than Jordan but would def be more of a threat.
Good to see Stokes in the runs this week, I think he looks an international quality player all round he certainly attacks the game more than Woakes which I like.
Alas Eng don’t usually change a winning team though but the bottom line is if we bat well 1st innings we win the series…
I’m hearing that due to the rain at the Oval, Sky and the ECB have organised to show all 200 test matches back-to-back before the start of play – talk about a hectic schedule>>>!!!!!!