So what if we’ve been utterly pessimistic throughout this World Cup? Sometimes you’ve got to drag yourself from a general malaise and embrace a new mood of unbridled pie-eyed optimism. Consequently, we’ve decided to ignore rational thought and back England to beat Jayawardene’s boys in Saturday’s quarter final – despite the fact our team is so knackered that we’re amazed Strauss and Co can still get out of bed.
The bookies might make Sri Lanka overwhelming favourites (we concede that they’re at home and they’ve probably got better players) but we can think of several reasons why England will emerge victorious. Here’s a few of them. Ok, here’s all of them. There’s no point pretending that the following list can be stretched any further.
Murali is rubbish: Sri Lanka’s premier spinner might have taken 530 ODI wickets, but he’s the only cricketer we can think of who’s more overrated than Steve Smith. Every one of his 800 test wickets (and 1374 test wickets) was down to pure fluke. Daryl Hair didn’t no-ball him because he was throwing. He did so because Murali is so poor that he doesn’t deserve to be playing international cricket. We fully expect the likes of Matt Prior and Ravi Bopara to smash Murali out of the attack on Saturday. It’s not like he’s done anything against England in the past.
Mendis is a pie chucker: What’s all the fuss about? The guy is mentally frail and he doesn’t spin it. Why should we fear someone who bowls innocuous dobbers? England know all about these kinds of bowlers. Let’s play him like a medium pacer and flay him to all corners. It worked against Anil Kumble, right?!
Sri Lanka have no depth in batting: Jayawardene, Dilshan and Sangakkara might have scored a few runs in this tournament, but who else have they got? I saw Tharanga score a hundred the other day and I was distinctly unimpressed. He was only strong on the offside, the legside, on the front foot and off the back foot. Jade Dernbach will make mincemeat of him.
Other teams are scared of England: There’s no doubt that our boys will have the psychological edge on Saturday. Although some might say that England’s inability to bat and bowl well in the same match puts us at a disadvantage, we disagree. Sri Lanka will be bricking themselves at the prospect of losing to a side that has already proved itself inferior to Ireland and Bangladesh. Imagine the shame if they lose. England on the other hand will play without fear. We just want to go home … which means we’ll probably win. Strauss, Bell and Trott etc are like the cast of TV’s Lost. They’re destined never to return home.
England will surely meet Australia at some point: England can’t go out in the quarter-finals. It means we’ll avoid Australia. If that happens, how is Shane Watson going to take seven for sod all against us a la Andy Bichel? Just kidding. At some point, the wisdom of playing the old enemy seven times in the CB series is going to become apparent. England know the Aussies inside out, and we reckon Andy Flower has a cunning plan he’s been saving up. The Aussies on the other hand won’t have learned anything from the CB series. England have a different team, with different players and a different strategy. England will play Australia in this World Cup and beat them. Oh yes. Sri Lanka are a good team, but they’re not good enough to defy destiny.
This is our golden year: Over the last twelve months we’ve beaten South Africa in a ODI series, won the World T20, beaten Pakistan at home, and won the Ashes away. The World Cup would be the cherry on the icing on the cake. This year the England cricket team has been relentless. We’ve had the odd hiccup like the Perth test and losing to Ireland, but overall Strauss’ boys have been unstoppable. Who would bet against us completing an Ashes, T20 and World Cup hat-trick?
James Morgan
