To paraphrase Carlsberg – if Frank Spencer did World Cups, they would turn out rather like England’s.
Once again we’re experiencing the quadrennial tradition of watching the wheels fall off our World Cup campaign before the action’s even begun. First, Australia whipped us in the CB series. Then the batsmen lost form, followed by a plague of injuries. And now Eoin Morgan – our best ODI batsman – has been ruled out of the tournament with a broken finger.
It’s Groundhog Day. So what else might go wrong? Here are a few of the headlines you could be reading over the next week.
Strauss doubtful for World Cup after injury scare The England captain sustained a broken metatarsal after he was struck on the foot by a tin of Campbells Cream of Tomato Soup. The incident occurred at the kitchen of the squad’s training camp, when the can was dislodged from an overhead shelf by Graeme Swann’s left arm, during an “over enthusiastic” rehearsal for his newly remodelled sprinkler dance.
Political fracas derails England’s World Cup bid Andrew Strauss’s side’s preparations for the tournament were thrown into disarray yesterday, after organisers unexpectedly relocated all the team’s group fixtures to Zimbabwe. An ICC spokesman said: “This World Cup was always going to be staged in India, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka – and Zimbabwe. We did mention Zimbabwe before…didn’t we?” England now face the prospect of three weeks hiding in a Bulawayo hotel, while forfeiting their group matches to Venezuela, Oman and the Faroe Islands.
England to face nemesis in curtain raiser A last minute alteration of the fixture schedule means England will now face old enemy Holland in the tournament’s opening match. The clash will revive memories of the notorious 2009 T20WC group fixture, when England were edged out by a crack Dutch side of postmen, clog-makers, and retired geography teachers. England’s aversion to Holland has been ascribed to a “bad flight on Easyjet” which reportedly left the squad members permanently uncomfortable in the presence of anyone wearing bright orange.
Eligibility row engulfs England squad National Selector Geoff Miller called a crisis summit last night, after it emerged that several key England players were not born in South Africa. In a series of shock revelations, it was disclosed that Ian Bell, Paul Collingwood and James Anderson all have a birthplace within the United Kingdom. An ICC adjudicatory panel ruled that “this is not really in the spirit of things – we’re talking about England here, after all”. To replace the newly ineligible squad members, it’s believed the selectors will turn to star players from England’s successful 1992 World Cup campaign. We understand that Derek Pringle, Chris Lewis and Dermot Reeve have already been placed on standby.
Maxie Allen
