It’s become a cliche to observe that this is the best-prepared England Ashes touring party in history. From video analysis to nutrition, sports psychology to biomechanics, no stone has been left unturned.
Or so it seemed – until an extraordinary piece of video evidence today revealed a potentially critical oversight on the part of England coach Andy Flower.
As the squad prepared to board their flight this morning, BBC Breakfast interviewed Mike Gatting and screened footage of England’s dressing room celebrations after their Ashes victory in 1986/7.
It was marvellous, inspirational footage . There they all were, Gatt’s heroes, dousing themselves in champagne and holding the urn aloft. Chris Broad, Allan Lamb, Phil DeFreitas, Ian Botham, and…..Elton John.
Eh? Yup, it was definitely him – clad in his mid-eighties get-up of boater, blazer and diamond earring, joining in the revelry and toasting victory.
What to make of this? It is of course possible that the Pinner-born singer-songwriter was merely touring Australia at the time, and dropped in to congratulate the lads. But a close analysis of the film suggests something more substantial – a close bond, borne of shared experience and mutual achievement.
The conclusion is therefore inescapable. The last time we won the Ashes down under, Elton John was part of England’s backroom staff. He was our secret weapon.
We’re told how this forthcoming series represents our best chance in a generation of victory in Australia. But where the hell is Elton? All the preparation, all the soul-searching over five bowlers or four – all seems futile if we’re going to leave our seemingly greatest asset at home, tapping his fingers to Rocket Man.
Consider the evidence. The singer-songwriter and ex-Watford FC chairman has played no part in any of the last five Australian tours – and in each one we’ve been comprehensively defeated. Coincidence? Forget boot camps; we need platform shoes.
One can only hope that, as in the case of bowling coach Troy Cooley, Elton’s absence hasn’t come down to money. Or even worse – that he’s been poached by Australia. In an eerie parallel of John Buchanan’s recent undertakings, the former Reg Dwight might even as we speak be advising Ricky Ponting in a consultancy role – perhaps drawing on his experience of stewarding Watford to the 1984 FA Cup final. It simply doesn’t bear thinking about.
What’s impossible to discern is whether it’s only Elton himself who can tip the balance in a closely-fought Ashes series – or whether any flamboyant 1970s pop superstar will suffice. If the latter, is there any chance – and admittedly it’s short notice – that David Essex might be able to step into the breach? Failing that, might Noddy Holder be at a loose end for the next ten weeks? He may now be our only hope.
Maxie Allen
