The new season

You can almost feel it in the air. Spring  has sprung. The scent of freshly-cut grass permeates the senses. The evenings are warmer and lighter. Yes, the new village cricket season is almost  upon us.

So as we prepare to dust the cobwebs off our kit, and limber our creaking joints into action, here’s our exclusive Full Toss guide to your pre-season preparations.

Weather What a glorious few days it’s been. Blue skies, endless sunshine, beautifully warm. So inevitably, when the first village matches get under way in a fortnight’s time, it will piss down. Prepare for these fixtures as you might for a trip to the Glastonbury festival – pack galoshes, a wetsuit, Arctic survival gear, and a whistle, in case you lose sight of your team-mates in the fog.

Kit The first law of village cricket states that the less talented you are as a player, the more time and money you will spend on new kit. The truly dedicated individual will use this crucial period to invest in a coffin, two new bats, separate bowling and batting boots, thigh guard, arm guard, and helmet. These will all be of vital use when you come into bat at number ten, and make your usual five ball duck.

Your new bat Observe the instruction leaflet’s advice, and carefully knock in the edges. They will probably be the only parts of the bat the ball ever touches.

Recruitment When the club secretary assesses squad availability during pre-season preparations, two categories of village cricketer come to the fore. First, the friend of a friend who looked quite handy when he played for you once, three years ago, but has been hard to pin down ever since. In April he says, “this season, I am definitely going to play a lot of games for you”. You won’t hear from him again till October. Second, the extremely eager new recruit, who found your club on the internet. “Put me down for every single match”, he says. You won’t hear from him again till October.

Nets Like redecorating the spare room, or starting work on your novel, nets are a brilliant idea which you will never bother actually doing. Last week, we discussed their intrinsic cricketing merits. If you do manage to arrange a net, the problem is that only your really shit players will turn up. This means that when you bat, your training session will solely comprise the following types of delivery: four feet wide of off stump; five feet down the leg side, or so high, it ends up on top of the net.

Tactics The new season is a time of enthusiasm and innovation. In that spirit, your well-meaning but wayward spinner is at this moment likely to utter the most chilling phrase in cricket’s entire lexicon: “I’ve been working on a new delivery”. When he comes on to bowl, the captain should immediately demonstrate his confidence by setting the following field: long on, long off, deep square leg, cow corner, and two backstops.

Maxie Allen