The irrelevance that was the England versus New Zealand test series has mercifully finished. Now the ICC Champions Trophy is upon us – another sideshow that sits uneasily in the interregnum before the Ashes: the 10 act drama that shall fashion greatness or infamy, where every reputation is wagered and nothing held back.
England’s victory over the hapless Kiwis at Headingley told us nothing we do not already know. The two R’s, Root ‘the local County luminary who walks on water’, and Rogers ‘the veteran County run machine that erred in scoring a century against his national side but since has done no wrong’, must surely play in the Ashes.
KP, the noted Firebrand and twitter Essayist, must return to invigorate the English top 4. Pup, Australia’s Complete Disciplinarian Captain (ACDC) must chart a discriminating course across two summers shouldering the weight of national expectation, never knowing whether he should pad up at the start of an innings or wait until tea.
If whimsy is ever useful in cricket, the Headingley Test may establish an early rationale to scrub the Black Caps from Test cricket altogether. Perhaps their talent might be better absorbed within the international system as free contract players, or as part of an all star team from small Test cricket nations unable to finance large management teams and quality high performance coaching.
It is devilishly hard to imagine a context in which any New Zealand test match could assume Everest – unless snow-makers pump out a lot of fog and the jumblies make an appearance at intermission. Alternatively, they could string a few Test victories together, although one suspects that an all star team including the odd Irishman and retiring Indian might have a better chance if they could pronounce six, fish and chips with the earnest gusto of a Taranki pig-farmer or a boy from Otago.
Fortunately, the Champions Trophy promises to be a bit more interesting – if only because England, Australia and New Zealand are all in the same group. But even if the cricket proves to be a bore, these curtain-raisers do have a role:
If the weather is good, sit down with a good book – Shakespeare, something the punters can appreciate – and a megaphone. Read a few uplifting piquant passages to the players between overs or at drinks. They have nothing else to talk about.
Should the over rate slow when Trott is batting, do not hesitate to quote Macbeth: “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day [emphatically], To the last syllable of recorded time …” [yell yourself hoarse]. Should Graeme Swann or Jonathon Trott be riding the boundary, make sure they hear you. Do not be put off by quizzical looks or gestures from the Members. Someone needs to complain about the slow run rate.
If the Kiwis threaten collapse, again, quote As You Like It: “Last scene of all, That ends this strange eventful history, Is second childishness and mere oblivion, Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything”. If something less articulate is your style, create a long banner (20 yards should do it) with the words “What the ….” Do not be self-conscious when four of the local constabulary pay you a visit with greetings from the commentary box.
Should this be too much trouble for a simple English cricket-lover, grab a few guerkin and watercress sandwiches, drop your head, stretch out in the sun and doze. There are worse things to do on a Friday. If you wake up, the Kiwis may still be batting. I have a fiver on Taylor hammering a ton; a small wager usually makes things more interesting – especially as the bookies are offering some juicy free bets at the moment. I found a good’un on thebookiesoffers.co.uk
Watch out for the Aussies in the Champions Trophy. They will be the fit guys strolling in from the plane, reef oil and Gatorade in tow, hoping to see a bit of the action. Welcome them. They will be leaving with the Urn come September.
Jeremy Pooley
Jeremy Pooley is co-author of Dust to Dust, the only published book about the Australian Tour of India 2013, and the 17thManDiary. Find the 17th Man at www.17thManDiary.com
“Leaving with the urn…” – priceless!!