Don’t worry folks, the headline above is fictional. We all know that the Ashes stay safely ensconced in a cabinet at Lords. However, the news that Real Madrid players dropped the famous Copa Del Rey during a celebratory open top bus parade yesterday evening got us thinking. What would happen if Strauss dropped the Ashes in a similar fashion? We envisage a few scenarios.
For those of you who haven’t yet seen the clip of Sergio Ramos doing a Hershelle Gibbs (i.e. dropping an important trophy) the hapless footballer was holding the Spanish version of the FA Cup aloft when it slipped through his hands and fell off the front of the bus – which then duly ran over the thing. Apparently the famous trophy is still intact, but it’s now more of a plate than a cup.
The Ashes would not be so resilient. The trophy is terra cotta and has all the strength of David Gower’s throwing arm. It’s also older than David Lloyd. If it came up against a ten ton London bus there would only be one winner.
However, the Ashes trophy is so small that there’s no guarantee it would land in the road. It could well fall straight through the bars of a gutter and be washed out to sea. This could be the only way the Ashes will ever return to Australia.
The Waterford Crystal Trophy (the giant glass replica of the Ashes that nobody cares about) would be a different matter. If that hit the road it would surely smash. The chances of this happening are both slim and substantial at the same time:
If the 2005 Ashes celebrations are anything to go by, the Waterford Crystal Trophy would surely be used as a drinking vessel by Andrew Flintoff. Alcohol to Freddy is like a new born baby to a mother. He cradles it with the upmost care. However, the chances of Freddy being too pissed to hang on to the thing must surely be very high – especially if he intends on hugging his teammates with both arms simultaneously.
As we’re considering all possibilities now, even the most unlikely ones, we should also contemplate what our reaction would be if the Aussies ever got their dirty fingers on the Ashes again. What should the British diplomatic reaction be if, say, Michael Clarke dropped the urn off a bus and some lager swilling lout stepped on it? I think that anything short of total war, and the deployment of nuclear weapons, would be unacceptable.
James Morgan
