The Delhi Daredevils’ improving IPL campaign has been thrown into chaos after the right side of skipper Kevin Pietersen’s body sensationally disengaged itself from his left following Sunday’s routine victory over the Mumbai Indians.
The incident occurred during the post-match warm-down and was described on air by Danny Morrison, whose electronic voice box hadn’t yet been turned off by his producer and as such was looping indefinitely through its trademark arsenal of clichés.
“Boom! There goes KP! Straight through the middle! Feet, legs, arms, head, all the way up and he is gone, gone, gone! Well, one half of him is anyway. What about that Harsha?”
“That’s Karbonn Kamal meiosis, Danny.”
Though no official reason has been given for the split, Pietersen’s right side has been immediately dismissed by the Daredevils, meaning they will have to continue with only fifty per cent of their captain and star batsman for the remainder of the tournament.
The backlash from supporters has been predictably furious, prompting an unnamed source from within the camp to admit that the decision had been made “in the interests of team culture” and that he has never seen one side of a player’s body “so disengaged from what was going on.”
The lack of formal communication has provoked a tidal wave of speculation on social media, the most popular theory being that Pietersen’s right hand sent derogatory text messages to several members of the Mumbai Indians prior the Daredevils’ victory, labelling his left side a bhains ki aulad (Hindi for son of a buffalo) and suggesting ways in which to expose weaknesses in its game.
Pietersen’s right side failed to show up at a combustible post-match press conference, though it has since appeared in a gratuitously stylish YouTube production in which it reaffirmed its commitment to the Daredevils, stating that it has always been its dream to play for them ever since they stumped up £800K to re-sign the South African six weeks ago. “It’s not easy being half of me,” it said.
Back in the UK, the break-up has triggered an astonishing row on Twitter between Piers Morgan and, er, Piers Morgan. Evidently confused about which side of his friend’s body to support, the journalist and TV host lit the blue touch paper by describing Pietersen’s left side as “a repulsive little weasel” for separating “the second highest averaging Daredevils batsman in IPL 2014.”
An enraged Morgan immediately responded to his own tweet, calling himself a “pathetic, spineless loser” and a “cowardly moron”. The unedifying exchange continued for some hours until Morgan branded himself “a crap TV presenter with a massive ego and a large, gelatinous bottom”, before physically exploding, casting much of Hampshire into darkness.
Reaction from Pietersen’s ex-England colleagues has been similarly explosive. Team humourist Ian Bell described it as “obviously a bit disappointing”, while the usually phlegmatic Stuart Broad was moved to describe the revelation as “a bit disappointing for both KP and for cricket”, though he later poured water on his comments, stating that Pietersen’s right side is “obviously very talented and is obviously sure to bounce back soon.”
So what next for Pietersen and his soap opera of a career?
His left side will continue to captain the Daredevils in the IPL while Surrey have indicated that they expect his right side to return in time for the county’s next Championship fixture against Kent. However, it appears more likely that it will ignore its UK employers and travel straight to the Arctic Circle to captain the Murmansk Marauders in the inaugural Russian Premier League. According to inside sources, the Marauders moved quickly to secure the right side of Pietersen’s services in a deal worth five million Euros.
Either way, it will be the first instance of a player participating in two simultaneous sporting events since 1896 when the upper body of the Rt. Hon Sir Galahad Spode made a swashbuckling half century for Old Mortonians in a charity match at Arundel whilst his lower half competed four thousand miles away in the Boston Marathon. Unencumbered by his rather stout torso, his legs and feet shaved twenty six minutes from his previous personal best, despite making several wrong turns along the way.
https://twitter.com/nickallbury
I think it’s time to give the KP posts a rest now chaps… would like to hear your thoughts on the early season form players in the County Champs though, esp. after some good performances from Englishmen no less.
Are you suggesting we can’t do both? That is very patronising. Whilst the current ECB provides so much to question about English cricket, the state of the County game remains problematic.
Englishmen like Robson and Balance?! just kidding. Yes we’ll try to keep an eye on the county action. Places up for grabs in the test team means the county stuff suddenly becomes more relevant.
watch this /…