If cricket was football, part two

Radio phone-in shows were jammed with irate Aussies yesterday as it emerged that Peter Moores is the leading candidate to become Australia’s new director of cricket. Moores, the former England coach and all round pommie b**t**d, has today flown to Christchurch to be interviewed by Andrew Hilditch.

The talks were initially scheduled to take place in Melbourne, but after angry Aussies spray-painted ‘no English scum’ onto the MCG outfield, it became apparent that Christchurch would be a much safer destination. Earthquakes are nothing compared to the wrath of a thousand angry cricket fans.

The news that the Australian chairman of selectors was an admirer of Moores (apparently the two of them met at a roller disco in Woolloomooloo and hit it off immediately) has been met with dismay by former Australian players as well as fans.

Shane Warne, great friends with Kevin Pietersen, described Moores’ brand of cricket as ‘defensive and turgid’. He was referring, of course, to the former England’s boss penchant for picking ten batsmen and just a lone bowler playing on his own.

However, although Warne’s close ties to Pietersen make him less than objective – KP fell out with Moores after the England coach struck his captain with a boot during a dressing room fracas – other Aussie icons have also expressed dismay.

Merv Hughes, for example, is refusing to shave until the ACB abandon the idea. (although, to be honest, nobody will be able to tell the difference). In fact, the only Aussie in favour of Moores’ appointment appears to be Stan McCabe, who doesn’t want to criticise the ACB in case he has his SCG press pass confiscated.*

The problem for Andrew Hilditch, of course, is that other candidates have turned down the position. Despite having a great heritage, Australian cricket has evidently been in decline over the last twelve months. Expectations remain sky high, but Australia cannot hope to compete with India and England, who have greater financial strength.

England in particular have used their affluence to attract some of the world’s greatest players, including Jonathan Trott and Kevin Pietersen. They’ve also snapped up some of cricket’s most promising youngsters, such as Jade Dernbach, Craig Kieswetter and Ben Stokes. Australia, meanwhile, have been left with the dregs and nearly men – Mitchell Johnson and Doug ‘the rug’ Bollinger being two prime examples.

Australia’s problem has been a lack of depth in their squad. They’ve needed a decent spinner for a few seasons now, but all they can afford are bowlers from the lower club divisions – and the step up has unfortunately proved too great for the likes of Xavier Doherty and Michael Beer.

And let’s get real. If Australia do unearth any decent cricketers in the near future, they’d probably jump ship to an IPL team if a big enough cheque is waved in front of them. Any new Australian director of cricket will therefore be on a hiding to nothing – expectations are high, but the prospect of success is lower than the average footballer’s IQ.

However, there are surely better ways to mollify expectations, and settle for eternal everlasting mediocrity, than appointing your biggest rival’s former coach – especially when the man in question is about as popular, and effective, as Nick Clegg. Under Moores, England were relegated down the world rankings faster than you can say ‘this analogy has probably been stretched too far’.

If you are an Australia fan, and you’re reading this blog, make sure you turn up at today’s protest at the MCG. You might not be able to stop Moores’ appointment, but you can send the ACB board a strong message: ‘just admit you’ll never win the Ashes again and you’ve given up’. It’s better to admit a lack of ambition than pretend you’re going to win the derby with a three legged ginger donkey.

James Morgan (A disillusioned Aston Villa fan)

*I appreciate that Stan McCabe died in the sixties, but I can’t think of any other Aussie cricketer called Stan, nor one with a surname that sounds like Collymore.