Today will be the greatest day in the history of British sport. The England cricket team are poised to win their first test of the summer, at only the fifth attempt.
The impending victory will cap a fine year for the side, in which their record will now read: won one, drawn three, and lost just seven.
Detailed plans are already in place to mark this seminal event, which will take place in front a capacity Ageas Bowl crowd – with some spectators queuing from as early as 10.59am.
At the fall of the final Indian wicket, Derek Pringle and Paul Newman will perform a lap of honour, before the England players themselves will pass through the serried ranks of Waitrose checkout staff and proceed to ceremonially urinate on the outfield in the shape of the St George’s Cross.
A dewey-eyed Paul Downton will then take to the dais, and with great aplomb and due diligence, pay tribute to what he will describe as the “finest test victory of our generation”.
In anticipation of today’s triumph, calls are already growing for the declaration of a national holiday, with organisers expecting tens of thousands of well-wishers to line the streets of Southampton for Friday’s victory parade.
Amid unprecedented scenes of mass public hysteria, Chris Woakes MBE will lead the team aboard the open-topped bus, at which point the newly-knighted Sir Alastair Cook will begin festivities by lighting an effigy of Kevin Pietersen.
An emotional and euphoric day will climax with a spectacular overhead fly past by Giles Clarke and Mike Selvey, who will pilot a Tiger Moth trailing a banner with the words “I told you so” through the azure Hampshire skies.
Mournfully watching the coverage on television in Sydney, a rueful Michael Clarke and Darren Lehmann will then telephone Lord’s to formally concede the 2015 Ashes series in advance.
And in other news, only 4,784 people turned up yesterday.