I sat down last night to watch England waltz into the quarterfinals of Euro 2016. We were playing against Iceland, a country populated by 300,000 humans, half a dozen walruses, and zero professional football clubs. It should have been a walk in the park.
What I witnessed, however, was probably the worst performance I’ve ever seen by an England team at any sport. It was laughably bad. Wayne Rooney, the country’s leading goal-scorer of all time, looked like some bloke Roy Hodgson had spotted playing in a park half an hour before kick off. He couldn’t complete elementary passes … except to the opposition of course.
It struck me that I’ve never seen a team look so disorganised and bereft of ideas. And I’m an Aston Villa fan! What’s more, I’ve never seen a team panic so much … which got me thinking.
We’ve all seen the England cricket team completely lose their heads over the years. You know the routine: we lose a couple of early wickets, the dressing room gets nervous, and each successive batsman arrives at the crease completely flustered – probably because they only padded up a few seconds ago and realised as the bowler’s running in that they forgot their box.
However, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an England cricket team perform so ineptly – if only because we generally don’t get to play teams ranked 34 in the world. Bad as we’ve been over the years, I doubt we’d lose to someone like Vanuatu (although I wouldn’t put it past us).
I’m not claiming that the England cricket team has avoided abject humiliations – those Ashes whitewashes (plural!) bloody hurt, not to mention those defeats against Ireland and Holland – but we’ve always been somewhat sheltered from international ridicule because most of the world ignores cricket.
Our footballers’ dismal capitulation last night, on the other hand, was a very public embarrassment – especially in the current political climate. The likes of Rooney and Joe Hart should be thoroughly ashamed. Hart’s blunder was a bit like Jonny Bairstow shouldering arms to a Namibian change bowler and having his middle-peg knocked out. And as for Rooney, his performance was worse than that ridiculous hair transplant he’s had.
Since last week’s Brexit vote, our cricketers have won by 10 wickets (with a record opening partnership) and our rugby union team have whitewashed Australia down under (again a record). Our footballers, however, continue to linger in the lowest and smelliest sporting gutter imaginable. Our cricket team has had plenty of ups and downs over the years, but our footballers only know down. Maybe it’s best if we simply don’t bother next time.
James Morgan
This loss to Iceland has few parallels. Only the 1974 defeat by Kwiksave, and the 1980 humiliation at the hands of Costcutters, come anywhere close…
Seriously, we were probably saying similar things about the ODI team after last year’s World Cup. However it was quickly demonstrated how a change of management, approach and mental attitude can turn things around dramatically. So let’s hope last night was the absolute nadir for the football team and that the only way now is up.
Oh, and despite my flippancy above our opponents last night deserve every credit. England (both players and management) were atrocious but Iceland played a blinder – marshaling brilliantly what resources they had – and thoroughly deserve their quarter final place.
I suppose in my lifetime it’s the summer of 99.
A hapless World cup exit followed by a series defeat against a pretty ordinary New Zealand.
The core of that NZ side was able to draw a series against McGrath-Warne era Australia in 2001/02. That’s the only home series Australia didn’t win between 1993/94 (when SA drew 1-1) and 2002/03 (when India drew 1-1 but Warne and McGrath were both out injured).
I’m not quite sure how you can rate them “pretty ordinary”.
They were able to draw with a great deal of help from rain in the first 2 tests – on the other hand they were a couple of hits away from winning the first test, thanks to an idiotic declaration, and could claim to have been unlucky not to win the third, so there have been worse sides.
Hello JohnB, yes they were helped by rain – especially in the Second Test. Australia got nearly 150 overs to bowl at them in the First Test and McGrath-Warne won 18 home Tests in fewer overs.
NZ’s 534/9d in the Third Test was the second highest score in Australia against Warne-McGrath. Only England’s 551 in Adelaide was higher – and we all know what followed! NZ’s innings also had one of the most bizarre (unique?) cards in Test history with four centurions and no-one else in double figures.
I’d say a fair bit of help in the 1st test too – 5 sessions lost over the first 3 days and NZ got past the follow on mark 8 down. Nevertheless, it was a draw, and they could have won (without any resort to luck) in Perth. Reading the team sheet, far from a bad side. Seriously good Australian side it has to be said.
It’s from memory Simon. Cut me some slack it was 17 years ago.
The report from the 4th test http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sport/cricket/england_v_new_zealand/427262.stm
The team;
MJ Horne
MD Bell
SP Fleming
NJ Astle
RG Twose
CD McMillan
AC Parore –
CL Cairns
DJ Nash
DL Vettori
SB O’Connor
The batting line-up has perhaps more depth than class – although their career records reflect the fact they played in a very strong bowling era and I suspect Fleming and Astle would have averaged well into the 40s if they had played a decade later.
The bowling attack, I’d argue, was very good indeed. The four main bowlers had career Test averages of 28 (Nash), 29 (Cairns), 32 (O’Connor) and 34 (Vettori). There aren’t many modern attacks boasting four bowlers averaging under 35. It was a great shame Nash and O’Connor had their careers blighted by injury which might obscure memories of what good cricketers they were.
There was a very good Indian Express article on Dion Nash last year. He dismissed Sachin Tendulkar six times in international cricket, he now sells cosmetics. (I won’t post a direct link as WordPress doesn’t seem to accept them but I recommend looking it up).
The 1993 ashes for me if you want Cricketing low. Gooch and Atherton aside we were worse than horrible, the bowling and leadership both on and off the field was just terrible
Cricket…? The whole of the 90s against the mighty baggy caps James
Ah but Australia were a good team. No1 in the world.
Iceland have a population of just over 300k! That’s about the same as Coventry. The Aussies have 23 million … although I accept that the majority are drongos, which puts them at some disadvantage ;-)
Under 20 mill back then,will accept the rest of your point. Cricket is more of a spectator sport after childhood in Aus,bit like your lot I suppose
I like it! ?
Don’t tell Dean Headley :-)
At Test level, the 1992/93 tour of India would be my pinnacle of ineptitude. Other defeats in the ’90s were against great teams – India were a good side with Tendulkar, Azharruddin, Kumble and an aging Kapil Dev but not so good England should have lost 3-0 with two of those defeats by an innings. I’m not sure what was my crowning glory of that tour – leaving Gower at home or, when you have Alec Stewart or Jack Russell as keeping options, picking…. Richard Blakey.
The 2014 WC has some strong parallels with the football – in fact it could be argued to be worse as England didn’t get out of the Group stage.
Then there’s the 2013/14 Ashes – at least the FA haven’t scapegoated the best player, deified the captain, made Roy Hodgson ‘technical director of elite managers’, rehired Steve McClaren and told fans we’re “not at a low ebb” and that anyone who disagrees is “outside football”. Not yet, anyway.
That will surely come mate. I’m waiting for Peter Moores to replace Hodgson.
Very good. Nice analogy.
Careful who you call drongos James. on the front page of the Sydney Herald was a British girl who “didn’t think my vote would count”.
Original thinking for sure……NOT.
Next morning was a picture of a young man sitting in London with a placard saying “I’m not leaving”.
the world is flooded with the drongos who don’t think or fit.
Mark Bosnich was almost in tears describing how bad he thought England played. He felt it was betrayal to country, to fans and to their own players.
Maybe match fixing was involved???
Cheer up, chin up, it can only get better.
Ruth in Sydney
Cheers Ruth. I actually love Aussies and have second cousins down under :-) both our countries have their fair share of drongos!
England losing to Afghanistan would be similar ….in terms of contrast between resources and experience. But we didn’t. However West Indies did in the t20 WC before winning the tournament. But t20 gives more chance to the underdogs.
Personally I don’t think our football team will ever have a chance of winning in a major tournament while the Sporting media rubbishes the players when they lose a fixture. Add to that social media abuse from fans. Abuse from every Tom, Dick and Harry with an opinion seems the last thing that would encourage a player to excel.
The other factor is exhaustion following a domestic football season which has grown enormously due to simple greed.
I imagine Iceland supports their side in the way that Leicester supported its side.
When does Wayne Rooney ever turn up at big tournaments? It’s a big mark against him for all the top goal scorer for England PR.
Firstly, Iceland were excellent. Marshalled their resources brilliantly, and thoroughly deserved the win. Were England awful? Yes. They totally failed to execute basic aspects of the game. Are you telling me that England cricket have never managed to do the same (fail to execute basic skills)? What about the last world cup? Or the 1999 loss to New Zealand, which left us bottom of the test rankings? Or the T20 loss to Holland? Sure, football is a more high profile sport than cricket, globally, but England cricket and serious embarrassment have gone together pretty well over the years.
I don’t know how much you analysed the cricket WC but the general consensus among experts, including foreign commentators, is that coach Peter Moores lost his nerve and changed the side before the first match to the detriment of the team. It may not have changed the final outcome, I think the England team were particularly unprepared – having sacked the captain and the strategy that went with him only weeks before. Morgan who was handed the poisoned chalice did spectacularly badly and hardly scored a run. It was a completely bungled operation. The details of management are even worse – Taylor was moved from 3 to accommodate Ballance who had barely recovered from injury and had little match practice. Ali had only recently been tried as an opener. If management dramatically fails then any side will find performing basic skills a problem, never mind a very inexperienced and raw one.
Fair points. It’s worth pointing out here that Hodgson made 6 changes for the Slovakia game, and changed most of them back for the Iceland game, which points to a similar loss of nerve. My point was more that English cricket had managed to embarrass the nation on several occasions, rather than seeking to apportion blame for the world cup fiasco.
I’m not sure the cricketers have ever have been quite as bad as the footballers were on Monday. Reminded me more of some of the West Indies’ capitulations in recent years.
Iceland played at their level, which is about League 1 quality.
England are not at that level of quality and were simply outclassed by the better footballers. Rooney couldn’t pass a ball through a barn door if he was standing in it. He wouldn’t get in a pub team with that performance.
I don’t see what else Hodgson could have done – you’re not going to win many football games with a team full of complete donkeys.
He could have had the balls to drop Rooney when it became clear his legs had gone and he was nowhere near good enough to play as a striker. Instead he wedged him into the side in midfield and dismantled the system he’d been working on in the process. Remember it’s only 3 months since England came from 2-0 down to win 3-2 in Germany, and more importantly pressed the Germans and forced them back for the entire match. Rooney, tellingly, was injured.
The parallels between England’s ODI and rugby union teams are pretty striking… both put in an abysmal showing in the 2015 World Cups, crashing out early in ignominy, after which their coaches (both affable, pragmatic Englishmen) are dismissed, each replaced by a hard-nosed, well-travelled Aussie. Both sides then start playing out of their skins, finding an almost unprecedented streak of good form, leaving pundits to wonder why they have ‘peaked’ in 2016, and us supporters to bemoan what could have been!
Why have we peaked in 2016? Why are we racking up 40+ points every week in Australia.
One might suggest that the other teams were primed to peak in 2015 (when it mattered) and are now on the decline…
The Fletcher/Flintoff tour of Australia was almost precisely analogous to Hodgson at the Euros. A team that had a lot of good players in it (and had, after all, won the Ashes at home) couldn’t do anything right, from Harmison’s opening delivery at the Gabbatoir to the end. The key parallel is the ineptitude of every move they made. It wasn’t that they had all become bad players, although quite often the wrong players were being picked, but that Flintoff was drunk and Fletcher was incapable, or at any rate had lost the plot. Under that management, they all played as if wading through treacle.