Who else will Australia pick?

Shane Warne’s apparent decision not to make a comeback for the WACA test has left a sense of anti-climax. Meanwhile, Australia surprise selection of Michael Beer has revealed their desperation to identify the wildcard individual who can restore their Ashes fortunes. If they can pick him, maybe they can pick anyone. So who else might Andrew Hilditch turn to?

In Warne’s absence, they probably still crave a marquee Australian name, a national icon, a proven performer – who can sprinkle some stardust over Ponting’s side and bring a new dimension to the series. At this very moment, the selectors may be scouring the nation in their quest for this elusive hero. And as the speculation continues to intensify, The Full Toss runs the rule over the most likely contenders.

1. Matt Hayden


Friends say the lantern-jawed former flat-track-bully is struggling to adapt to retirement, and has been reduced to wandering the streets of Brisbane, telling anyone who’ll listen that he once held the world test batting record – and Zimbabwe were a pretty decent bowling side in those days. So it appears he’s keen to return to the fray. Undoubtedly brings strength to the side in both the incessant gum-chewing and Christian cookery departments. One obvious downside is his weakness against swing bowling – Hayden’s selection would most likely trigger a recall for Matthew Hoggard.

2. Kepler Wessels


As Darth Vader might say, “the circle is complete”. Wessels played 24 tests for Australia in the 1980s before deciding to have another go with South Africa. So why not third time lucky? And as a member of the last Australian side to lose to England by an innings, at least he’ll have something in common with his new team-mates. Not known for his sense of humour, however, he may take umbrage at Michael Clarke’s new disposition for pissing himself laughing whenever Australia concede a boundary. Plus, as Wessels was born in South Africa, he may actually find himself more at home in the England dressing-room.

3. Mark Nicholas

Having defected down under to become the host of Channel 9’s cricket coverage, the former Hampshire captain is technically eligible to play for Australia – and at 53, may now finally make his long-awaited international debut. His stylishly ruffled hair and elegant use of the exclamation “Glenn McGrath!” are believed to have caught the selectors’ eye, while Nicholas can also draw on the valuable experience of his two Benson and Hedges Cup finals.

The main drawback concerns the ‘rider’ Nicholas insists upon for all his television appearances. It’s feared his demands for a private dressing room supplied with two dozen lillies, freshly-squeezed guava juice and a jacuzzi filled with champagne, plus an entourage of twenty seven assistants, including personal pedicurist, masseur, colour therapist and eyebrow-waxer, may cause divisions within the squad.

4. Clive James

Andrew Hilditch is thought to have listed the following key criteria for selection: (1) strokeplay and technique; (2) wicket-taking ability; and (3) experience of showing humorous clips of Japanese gameshows. It’s the last of these factors which have reportedly brought James firmly into contention, as has his Steve Waugh-esque tendency to squint through half-closed eyes. And in what promises to be a gruelling sequence of three back-to-back tests, the broadcaster and TV critic certainly has form when it comes to Endurance. The only sticking point may be simple availability; like all Australians famous for something other than sport, Clive James lives in London.

5. Dannii Minogue

Appearing before a live weekly television audience of eighteen million viewers, Minogue Junior has a proven big-match temperament. And having coached Matt Cardle to this year’s final, she is clearly in the form of her life. Plus, after Mitchell Johnson spectacularly failed to live up to the tag, Dannii may be the only Australian likely to provide any kind of X Factor. Unfortunately, the pint-sized chantreuse will leave herself open to the same charge always levelled against Mark Waugh: Dannii is not even the most talented popstar in her family.

6. Rolf Harris

With several rookies likely to play at Perth, Australia will also need experience – something which, at 80, Rolf supplies in spades. He would also breathe new life into the Baggy Greens’ team song – and with a patriotic repetoire including Waltzing Matilda and Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport to choose from, there’s surely no more chance of Michael Clarke absconding to see his girlfriend. Having opened this year’s Glastonbury festival, Rolf is match-fit and unlikely to be fazed by the large, drunken crowds expected at the WACA and MCG. However, should Rolf choose to bat in his Jake The Peg costume, confusion still surrounds Hawkeye’s definition of LBW in the event of the ball striking his fake third leg.

7. Andrew Symonds

Can immediately be discounted. Not even Australia are that desperate.

Maxie Allen

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