By Our Local Cricket Correspondent, Pies Morgan … (aka Dan Flanagan).
SOMEWHERE IN THE HOME COUNTIES, ENGLAND – An amateur cricketer was left wondering whether he could possibly meet the high standards he sets for himself as a batsman this morning, after the rule of six allowed cricket training to resume in England.
The villager, David Hughes, 57, angrily declared that a month’s practice before the start of the season was nowhere near enough for him to keep his average at its almighty 13.45. He went on to berate the government for waiting until the very end of March before allowing recreational sport to recommence. This, he argued, gave him no chance to enter into the peak physical condition required to maintain his proud record of notching two scores above thirty in a twenty-five game season.
“I am the real victim of this pandemic,” said a red-faced Mr Hughes, his impressive beer gut protruding from his training top. “I’ve been raring to go for months. My normal regime of netting twice a week, and being cleaned up five times in ten minutes, has been thrown into disarray by this authoritarian government. Brocklethorpe 4th XI will have me on toast if I don’t get to rehearse at least one scoop before the opening game.”
Mr Hughes also complained that the ‘rule of six’ unfairly targeted him, considering that he had never hit one in his life. Others were equally concerned about the roadmap out of lockdown.
“We have our first friendly in a little under two weeks, and haven’t trained yet,” said a concerned skipper, one Finn Legg. “How on earth can I expect the lads to serve up their usual batch of pies when they haven’t had the opportunity to send a single ball into the side of the net? Or, indeed, without the potential to beat the bat of the number eleven and then spend the rest of the session boasting about the ‘extra yard of pace’ they’ve put on. Think it through, please, Boris.”
At press time, Mr Hughes reportedly did not fancy a net, as he didn’t think it made much difference anyway.