There’s no point analysing on-field matters too much today. The Ashes have been retained! The important thing to do now is go and get drunk. I don’t care if you’re at work – you shouldn’t have gone in today. Make an excuse and find your nearest boozer.
If there’s a Walkabout pub nearby, we recommend going there. You might not like the beer particularly, but you’ll get to poke a few Aussies in the ribs while you drink it.
You’re also guaranteed a seat. If the bar is busy when you arrive, put the cricket highlights on the TV – you’ll soon empty the place. The Aussies tend to leave whenever their team is losing (even if they’ve paid good money to watch them).
Once you’re safely ensconced, it’s time to get down to some serious gloating. But first of all, you’ll need some tips to blend in. That way you can pretend you want to be their friend, only to turn into a heartless gloater when they least expect it.
Don’t worry about the moral implications of this dishonest behaviour – Australians have been using this trick themselves for years.
Whatever your name is, add an ‘O’ to it when you introduce yourself. This is guaranteed to make any Aussie think you’re a good bloke. So if you’re called Stephen, call yourself ‘Steve-o’. If your name is Rob, say you’re ‘Robbo’. Some Aussies take this a bit far though. Phil Hughes and Michael Clarke are so desperate to be loved that big fat ‘O’s usually follow their names in the scorebook.
Start all sentences with the expression ‘Aww look’. You might sound as dumb as Ricky Ponting when he’s interviewed by Mike Atherton, but when engaging with Australians it’s important to talk as though the person you’re speaking to has no grasp whatsoever of the subject you’re discussing (even if you’re making a really obvious point to someone who has a much better grasp of the subject than you – as happens, incidentally, when Punter talks to Athers).
Don’t use similes in conversation. Aussies don’t know what they are. Just say England’s victory was ‘as sweet as …’ but don’t complete the sentence. Australian men can only think of one thing at the same time, so trying to compare one object, event or emotion to another one is futile.
Now you’ve lulled your Aussie ‘friends’ into a false sense of security, it’s time to stick the knife in. Remind them that we’ve won three of the last four Ashes series, and that we’ve beaten them at rugby (the proper code) twice in a row too. Also feel free to use the phrase ‘can anyone in Australia play cricket’ liberally.
This bit might be a bit tough, but after this initial gloat try be as magnanimous as possible. You’ll keep the moral high ground (thus annoying them even more) and with a bit of luck they’ll feel patronised too; adding a few ‘aww look’s into the conversation will have the same effect – and hopefully they’ll see how bloody annoying their staple expressions are in the process.
If they have the temerity to argue they’re going to win the Ashes back in 2013, remind them that all their best batsmen will be over the hill by then (if they aren’t over it already). Hussey and Ponting will be at least thirty seven when the urn’s next up for grabs, and Shane Watson still won’t know how to score a hundred.
As for their next generation, remind them that Steve Smith is allegedly the best young batsman in Australia (he isn’t, but there’s nothing to gain by extolling the virtues of Usman Khawaja or Callum Ferguson and proving you know more about cricket than the Aussie selectors).
If you want to get really cocky, you might fancy predicting that England are going to win at least the next two Ashes series. With the exception of Paul Collingwood, all of our players will be raring to go in 2013. Will the Aussies even be able to find XI cricketers of test quality?
What’s more, most of our bowlers are going to be in their prime in the next Ashes series. Australia will still have Siddle (and Johnson – tee hee!), but England will be able to choose from Anderson, Broad, Tremlett, Finn, Bresnan, Shahzad and Onions. Need I go on? Probably not. But we suggest you do – preferably ad nauseum.
Thats a great point about the Walkabout pubs.
Taking the analogy beyond cricket, the pubs must empty at the first sign of a fight, the first sign of a TV picture becoming distorted, Simon ‘the wizard’ Whitlock when he plays Phil Taylor, everytime Everton and Tim Cahill go behind, every time there is any cycling on the TV -particularly the Olympics, every time Rolf has the piss taken out of him (which I must admit is a crime), every time there is a British soap on TV – as they are far superior to Neighbours and Home and Away (particularly the cheap nasty sets they use) etc, etc.
At the moment the only parity Australia have with us, is we both got badly stitched up by those fair minded, open and transparent, reputable characters at FIFA!
The Walkabout point reminds me of the time I visited their fine Temple establishment following the Oval victory in 2009. Rumour has it that the Aussie bar manager walked out amid an influx of joyous English fans.
Wish I’d found The Full Toss earlier! Funny stuff mate and if the Walkabout in Brighton hadn’t gone bust earlier in the year – we’d be there. We will be settling for a pint of decent beer in an Australian free village pub!
Thanks James. It’s nice to be appreciated. Spread the word about us!
If we win at Sydney and the 50 over world cup next year, I will give up watching cricket as we will hold the 20 and 50 over crowns as well as consecutive Ashes wins – there is no way we can sustain this level of success and the only way is down!
Few of my Aussie mates are now turning to Simon Whitlock (I’ve only just found out who he is!). Seems that getting beaten by a fat, old, beer swilling darts player (the LEGEND that he is) is better than getting beaten by 13 fine English cricketers.
Just waiting for them to tell me that they are the best in the world at football – Aussie rules…
It’s always best to have a contingency plan, too. Many Aussies will now be so bitter and angry they’ll be resorting to tactics such as the economy and unemployment in order to fight back.
I suggest taking the route of our creative industries. Movements such as punk and the Madchester scene came about during these times, so move the discussion round to what bands have come out of Oz that can compare to the likes of the Clash or Stone Roses (Inxs doesn’t count).
MHA: Simon Whitlock is a very over-rated darts player – with a terrible action! I’ve always been surprised at how far he managed to progress every year. There’s something really annoying about Aussie darts players – doesn’t quite seem right, somehow.
I love the idea of Aussies walking out of pubs when their representatives have failed – in non-sporting contexts. Shame the Walkabout doesn’t show the award of literary prizes – would be fun to see the fans leave when Germaine Greer doesn’t win.
Australians are rubbish at pop and rock music, and in that I include INXS. They haven’t produced a single quality act ever – all they can usually manage is novelty songs by swarthy guys in mullets, eg Midnight Oil.
(Sigh)… OK, I’ll take the bait…
“They haven’t produced a single quality act ever”???
Aww look, I’ve got 4 letters for you: A, C, D and C
[…] The Full Toss has come up with this: Englishman’s guide to gloating. […]
I rest my case.
You’re absolutely right. Here’s my apology message via another quality British act.
OK – I’ll give you Rick Astley.