There’s no point analysing on-field matters too much today. The Ashes have been retained! The important thing to do now is go and get drunk. I don’t care if you’re at work – you shouldn’t have gone in today. Make an excuse and find your nearest boozer.
If there’s a Walkabout pub nearby, we recommend going there. You might not like the beer particularly, but you’ll get to poke a few Aussies in the ribs while you drink it.
You’re also guaranteed a seat. If the bar is busy when you arrive, put the cricket highlights on the TV – you’ll soon empty the place. The Aussies tend to leave whenever their team is losing (even if they’ve paid good money to watch them).
Once you’re safely ensconced, it’s time to get down to some serious gloating. But first of all, you’ll need some tips to blend in. That way you can pretend you want to be their friend, only to turn into a heartless gloater when they least expect it.
Don’t worry about the moral implications of this dishonest behaviour – Australians have been using this trick themselves for years.
Whatever your name is, add an ‘O’ to it when you introduce yourself. This is guaranteed to make any Aussie think you’re a good bloke. So if you’re called Stephen, call yourself ‘Steve-o’. If your name is Rob, say you’re ‘Robbo’. Some Aussies take this a bit far though. Phil Hughes and Michael Clarke are so desperate to be loved that big fat ‘O’s usually follow their names in the scorebook.
Start all sentences with the expression ‘Aww look’. You might sound as dumb as Ricky Ponting when he’s interviewed by Mike Atherton, but when engaging with Australians it’s important to talk as though the person you’re speaking to has no grasp whatsoever of the subject you’re discussing (even if you’re making a really obvious point to someone who has a much better grasp of the subject than you – as happens, incidentally, when Punter talks to Athers).
Don’t use similes in conversation. Aussies don’t know what they are. Just say England’s victory was ‘as sweet as …’ but don’t complete the sentence. Australian men can only think of one thing at the same time, so trying to compare one object, event or emotion to another one is futile.
Now you’ve lulled your Aussie ‘friends’ into a false sense of security, it’s time to stick the knife in. Remind them that we’ve won three of the last four Ashes series, and that we’ve beaten them at rugby (the proper code) twice in a row too. Also feel free to use the phrase ‘can anyone in Australia play cricket’ liberally.
This bit might be a bit tough, but after this initial gloat try be as magnanimous as possible. You’ll keep the moral high ground (thus annoying them even more) and with a bit of luck they’ll feel patronised too; adding a few ‘aww look’s into the conversation will have the same effect – and hopefully they’ll see how bloody annoying their staple expressions are in the process.
If they have the temerity to argue they’re going to win the Ashes back in 2013, remind them that all their best batsmen will be over the hill by then (if they aren’t over it already). Hussey and Ponting will be at least thirty seven when the urn’s next up for grabs, and Shane Watson still won’t know how to score a hundred.
As for their next generation, remind them that Steve Smith is allegedly the best young batsman in Australia (he isn’t, but there’s nothing to gain by extolling the virtues of Usman Khawaja or Callum Ferguson and proving you know more about cricket than the Aussie selectors).
If you want to get really cocky, you might fancy predicting that England are going to win at least the next two Ashes series. With the exception of Paul Collingwood, all of our players will be raring to go in 2013. Will the Aussies even be able to find XI cricketers of test quality?
What’s more, most of our bowlers are going to be in their prime in the next Ashes series. Australia will still have Siddle (and Johnson – tee hee!), but England will be able to choose from Anderson, Broad, Tremlett, Finn, Bresnan, Shahzad and Onions. Need I go on? Probably not. But we suggest you do – preferably ad nauseum.