The Commentators’ Ashes

At 11pm GMT tomorrow, England and Australia’s cricketers will be stretching their limbs, applying their war paint, and counting their jelly beans in preparation for the first Ashes test. But what about the battle of the commentators? The rivalry inside the Gabba media centre will be equally intense as the likes of David Lloyd and Richie Benaud dust off their microphones, clear their throats, and practice their pronouncement of Usman Khawaja.

Since Channel Four died long ago and ITV have only got brief highlights, England’s representatives in the commentators’ Ashes are Team Sky. We did think about the lads on BBC TMS, but frankly they’re far too good. We wanted a balanced contest, not a 5-0 thrashing.

Bumble and Co are up against that motley crew from Australia’s Channel Nine, led by the irrepressible and ageless Richie Benaud – a man wiser than father time himself, and considerably wiser than the rest of his co-commentators.

 

Team Sky

David Gower: Well on his way to becoming the new Des Lynam, Gower is the master of the understatement. He’s as smooth as a single malt and rarely gets excited. Whether England are winning or losing, ‘Lubo’ as Sticky Wicket Magazine used to call him, always keeps his feet on the ground – which is a tad ironic considering his penchant for Tiger Moth aeroplanes.

Catchphrase – Anything that winds up Botham.

Score 7/10

David Lloyd: Good old Bumble. The jewel in England’s crown. He’s lively, entertaining … and daft as a brush. His colleagues might extract the Michael about his advancing years, and his inability to spot something useful in the third man chair, but he’s still the best commentator Sky have got. Almost cried on air when stewards refused to let his dog into a county match. Priceless.

Catchphrase – “Start the Car!”

Score 9/10

Sir Ian Botham: Some people don’t like Beefy because his commentary is a bit, err … dry. But I like him. Being a pessimistic sod, I love to hear Botham’s constant optimism about England’s chances. We could be 35-8 and Sir Ian would still be advocating a prompt declaration to set up victory. My suspicion is, however, that it’s all a cunning ploy to get the game over quickly so he can disappear to the golf course or the nearest pub.

Catchphrase – “Start the Bar!” or words to that effect

Score 6/10

Mickey Holding: Once suggested that Geraint Jones could bat three in any test side in the world. He also predicted Stuart Broad would never bowl above medium pace because his body was too spindly. I forgive you Michael – firstly because you’re bigger than me, and secondly because you’re still ‘cool, man’. In all seriousness, Holding is a reliable commentator and often comes up with a different perspective from the norm. A good man to have on your commentary team. Not bad in the ‘Turd Man’ chair either.

Catchphrase – “That was a good delivery. Plenty of pace and booouuunce”

Score 7/10

Mike Atherton: Such a natural commentator that he should have been christened ‘Mic’ Atherton. Eloquent, insightful, succinct, brilliant. I once knew a girl who claimed her friend dumped Athers because he was too dull. Shame on her! Does she not appreciate the value of a good cover-drive?

Catchphrase – Far too sophisticated and articulate for anything clichéd I’m afraid.

Score 9/10

Nasser Hussain: After a shaky debut, Nasser has taken to commentary like a duck to an Essex scorecard. Still seems close to the players and his insights are often passionate without becoming unreasonable (Beefy take note).

Catchphrase – “what do you think about that, Shane?!” you’ve got to know Sky’s Ashes ads to get this one

Score 7/10

That gives Team Sky an overall rating of 45. A pretty good effort that. But will the Aussies mount a successful chase?

 

Team Channel Nine

Richie Benaud: ‘Legend’, ‘doyen’, ‘pair of old jeans’. Observers have run out of superlatives to describe the godfather of cricket coverage. Benaud almost wins the commentators’ Ashes on his own, but unfortunately it’s a team game and his colleagues are mixed at best – unless of course, you’re a partisan Aussie redneck (in which case Benaud’s colleagues call it as it is, mate).

Catchphrase – ‘Chew’ many to mention, but probably “marvellous effort that”

Score 10/10

Tony Grieg: Working at Channel Nine for several years has finally got to Tony. He used to disguise his dislike for the Australian cricket team – but now it seems he can’t be bothered. In fact, every word seems to scream ‘will somebody please beat the bloody Australians and wipe that inane grin off Lawry’s face’.

Catchphrase – Are you going to get the lion on the line or not?

Score 6/10

Bill Lawry: Who said Pinocchio was a fairytale? Bill’s commentary is so biased it borders on fiction. Calling him a liar is a little harsh, but it could explain why he’s the Snozzer Warehouse’s best customer. In all seriousness though, Bill is a very entertaining commentator and we’d miss him if he wasn’t there. Probably the Australia’s answer to David Lloyd.

Catchphrase – “Got him Yeeessss” is most people’s favourite

Score 8/10

Mark Nicholas: A true gent. Well dressed, well groomed, intelligent, and attractive to females. So what’s he doing in the Channel 9 commentary box?! Nicholas was a popular presenter of Channel Four’s cricket in England, but he was always a bit too ‘wacko, wizard’ for my taste. Still, people seem to like him down under, which is rare for a Pom. Probably got his eye on Richie’s job.

Catchphrase: Sorry Billy Birmingham, “smashing baby” is too Austin Powers for Mr Nicholas. “Exemplary darling” is more like it.

Score 6/10

Ian Chappell: An unusual one this. Chappell seems to polarise cricket fans. Some see him as knowledgeable, whereas others think he needs a charisma transplant. Personally, I quite like his commentary, although I can’t get that classic Twelfth Man scene out of my head – you know, the one where he recites Hamlet to impress Benaud.

Catchphrase: “Tubby or not Tubby, fat is the question” (can’t believe the Twelfth Man never thought of this one)

Score 7/10

Mark Taylor: And on to Tubby himself. Mark Taylor is a likeable chap who once retired on 334 so that he didn’t beat Don Bradman’s record score. What dignity. A few years later, Matt Hayden reached the same total and thought ‘sod it, I’m in this for myself’ and went on to make 380. Tubby is a real gentleman and makes plenty of interesting observations. The problem is, he talks so fast we can’t understand anything he says … even though he’s finally disposed of that piece of gum he chewed for a decade.

Catchphrase: “WelcomebacktotheSydneyCricketGroundAustraliaontopintheearlyovers”

Score 5/10

Final total 42. It was close, but unfortunately no doughnut for Tubby and his team. England are the winners (not exactly a surprise given that this is an England fans’ website!)

 

The Verdict

Like the real Ashes, the battle of the commentators was too close to call. Benaud gave the Aussies the edge in experience, but Atherton’s diction, Bumble’s humour, and Gower’s ability to raise an eyebrow and make elderly women swoon put Team Sky firmly in the driving seat.

Channel Nine were also let down somewhat by Shane Warne – who is probably the best commentator in the world right now. Shane didn’t qualify for the Aussie team because he’s batting for both sides this winter. And yes, we are aware how that sounds. Just joking, Warney.

The selection of Xavier Doherty and Steve Smith also put the Aussies at a disadvantage. Had Nathan Hauritz been retained, Bill Lawry might have scored a bit higher. Steve Smith has two too many ‘S’s in his name for Lawry to handle, whilst Bill’s pronunciation of ‘Xavier’ has the potential to drown the rest of the media centre in phlegm. Even if it doesn’t rain during the Ashes, spectators below the Channel Nine commentary box should take an umbrella.

James Morgan

4 comments

  • Chappell and Grieg are just awful. Lawry is so biased and one eyed it makes for boring viewing. Healey, Taylor, Slater, Blewett and Gilchrist are interchangeable due to their terrible, repetitive, matey delivery. Even with the dead weight of Botham, England comfortably win this battle. I have always thought that behind the jokey delivery, David Lloyd is perceptive and reads the game very well.

  • I was lucky enough to be in the media centre during an Ashes Test. Michael Holding spent the whole day watching C4 racing, or reading the Racing Post. However, when called into the commentary box he managed to perfectly sum up the situation, and predict the course of play. Something Jack Bannister didn’t get close to despite watching the game non-stop.

    (thank goodness he’s gone, by the way)

    • Jack Bannister now features on TalkSport, so he hasn’t completely disappeared. Always thought he was an odd fit for that station.

      • Is he still there?? Bloody hell.

        He’s never got the grip of radio. He came out with the brilliant line “He bowls, he plays, HE’S OUT!!”, and managed not to mention who bowled, who was batting, and how he was out. Inspired.

        Also, his “Dr Bacher, would you be gracious enough to tell us why you’re such a great man” interviews of South Africans got pretty tiresome.

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