Oh Joe. What have you done? You’ve only gone and given us hope. You should know better than encouraging us. Now we all have to put up with blog posts like this one, which naively assume England are going to get close on day five … when in reality we’re going to lose our last six wickets in a flurry half an hour before lunch.
At least we’ll have the memories though: the recollections of actually winning a day’s play down under for the first time since 2011. I can remember days in the late 1980s when we didn’t win a single day of an Ashes series at home, let alone abroad.
I guess the important thing is that we’ve finally showed some fight – even if we do go on to lose this game. The bowlers were magnificent yesterday evening and they were very good today too. Jimmy Anderson picked up his first five-fer in Australia, and Chris Woakes rediscovered his radar too. Let’s hope he can make a few runs tomorrow … and then everyone will be asking “Ben who?”
No doubt the positive thinkers amongst us – and I’m guessing one or two naive fools (!) still read this blog – might argue that England have done well even if we go 0-2 down tomorrow. We’ve shown that Australia are vulnerable, and that things are consequently looking up for the rest of the series.
Don’t listen to this nonsense! England simply must win this test. We need this desperately. Remember this is where England’s bowlers were fancied to do well. And neither Smith or Warner have contributed much at all. How many times is that likely to happen again? I’ll tell you how many … none!
If England lose tomorrow then an Ashes series shellacking is very much on the cards. England’s record in Perth is abominable. We’re never going to win there … we’ve got less hope than C3PO in a fist fight with a Wampa. The Ashes could all be over before Christmas again.
So, my fellow England supporters, get down on your knees and pray. We’re going to need the odd slice of luck, and every batsman playing their very best, to pull this off. Losing isn’t an option so I’m not even going to contemplate it.
It’s up to you Joe. Now you’ve given us hope you simply have to come good. Because, well, I’m not sure I can stand the look on Nathan Lyon’s ugly mug if we lose. And besides, all I’m asking for is a miracle.