The Hundred is a veritable banquet of absurdity. It’s the Santa Claus of cricketing farce which just keeps giving. So in the spirit of The Hundred ‘draft’ – which I assume is the gentle wind emanating from Tom Harrison’s bottom every time he speaks – here’s a new idea which I’m sure will catch on.
Thus far we’ve heard that every franchise will boast one England contracted player, two local icons, and also the infamous ‘non-playing players’. The latter refers to esteemed cricketers like Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad who are simply too good and too discerning to get involved in the playing side of all this bollocks. They are, after all, serious cricketers with a certain reputation to uphold.
However, rather than asking Stu and Jimmy to wave at crowds, kiss babies, kiss their employer’s arses, and conduct the occasional inane and insincere promotional interview, why not get some real media personalities involved?
And that is why, ladies and gentlemen, the time is right for Harrison’s Harebrained Have A Hit to introduce a new concept that 100% of the literally millions of respondents that I haven’t researched reckon is a superb idea: ‘non-playing non-players’.
“But who should these non-playing non-players be?” I hear you ask. Do not fear. The Full Toss is here. We’ve got some great suggestions that are bound to entice Brenda from Bristol, Gillian ‘the bigoted woman’ from Rochdale, and all the other fine English mothers who have no interest in cricket whatsoever to switch off Coronation Street and begin a tedious odyssey to their nearest metropolitan centre to catch a game.
Trent Rockets: Elton John
This one makes too much sense. It’s been a long, long time since Elton got as high as a kite with Watford FC, so why not bring him round again to cricket? They might not find cricket the sport they think it is at home, oh no no no, so let’s get Elton up on a stage to burn the Hundred fuse alone.
Oval Invincibles: Boris from Goldeneye
The original Boris, who came to prominence long before our PM, has long been a global icon of overconfidence. He’s therefore perfect for this role. Whenever Tom Moody’s boys are about to lose a game, Boris can run onto the pitch and shout ‘we are invincible’, before being frozen in liquid nitrogen. This promises to be a lot more entertaining than the actual cricket.
Manchester Originals: Chesney Hawkes
They’re called ‘the originals’. They’re sponsored by (the real) McCoys. So why not get the one and only Chesney Hawkes to non-playing play his greatest hits, or should that be ‘hit (singular), at Old Trafford before the start of every game? I love the fit here. After all, the story of The Hundred is bound to follow Cheesy Chesney’s career trajectory: it will emerge in a blaze of publicity, piss everyone off, and then be long forgotten.
Southern Brave: C3PO from Star Wars
Because they’re sponsored by Pom Bears, one assumes the name ‘Brave’ was meant to be ironic. Consequently, the perfect mascot for this team surely has to be infamous interstellar coward C3P0. Having a droid who’s fluent in 6 million forms of communication on hand throughout The Hundred will be a massive advantage for the Ageas Bowl crowd. As a professional interpreter he can explain to everyone what the hell is going on.
Welsh Fire: Daenerys Targaryen
Who better than the Daenerys Stormborn, The First Of Her Name, Queen Of The Andals, Rhyonar and The First Men, The Rightful Queen Of The Seven Kingdoms, Protector Of The Realm, and more pertinently The Mother Of Dragons to breathe fire into the Welsh franchise? With her three dragons Drogon, Rhaegal, and Viserion by her side, she’ll eat the other franchises for breakfast. And if the unthinkable does happen, and the Welsh Fire crash and burn (or Jonny Bairstow refuses to bend the knee), she can simply raze the whole of Southampton to the ground.
London Spirit: The Ghost of WG Grace
The ghost of WG has been turning in his grave since The Hundred was announced, so it’s time he came back to haunt the ECB for ruining the game he loves. Although Shane Warne is technically in charge of coaching the team, it won’t be long before cricket’s favourite ghost moves Warne aside and starts ordering the players to read his two books Cricket (1891) and Reminiscences (1899) which, ironically enough, were both ghostwritten.
Northern Superchargers: Michael O’Leary
You poor deluded Leeds residents. I bet you thought the name ‘Superchargers’ referred to electricity or bulls – a bit like the Los Angeles Chargers or Deccan Chargers. Wrong! The franchise’s name is actually a reference to the stadium experience, where entry is cheap as chips but added charges soon begin to add up. Want to make your way to your seat? That’ll be £10 to use the walkways. Want to actually sit down? That’ll be £20 to rent your seat. And if you want a beer don’t expect to get your plastic glass for free. That’ll be an extra £5 on top of the outrageous £10 per pint. I can almost hear Fred Boycott’s words now “HOW MUCH”?
Birmingham Phoenix – Frank Skinner (with David Baddiel)
When I was a teenager there was a great TV show called Fantasy Football League. The best section was titled ‘Phoenix From The Flames’ when Skinner and Baddiel would recreate seminal moments in football history. As the entertainment at The Hundred is likely to be, how can we say, a bit dull, why not get Frank and David to recreate iconic cricketing moments during the tedious strategic timeouts?
The Headingley test match this year, when Ben Stokes dragged England over the line singlehandedly, might be one example. Skinner could play the part of Tim Paine burning his reviews, and Baddiel could do an impression of Nathan Lyon’s butterfingers. Reminding unenthusiastic crowds that proper cricket still exists might cheer them up a bit and reduce the chances of a mass suicide event.
Feel free to add your own suggestions for non-playing non-players in the comments below. The more absurd the better.
James Morgan
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You’ve slightly misjudged WG – he’d be gutted not to have been involved precisely because he’d do anything for a bit more cash (Grace was obsessed with money). Anyone shameless enough to pay himself many times what any professional earned, demand a cut of the gate money, double cross exclusivity agreements and refuse to walk when given out would have been all over the hundred like a cheap suit.
I think you’re probably right on reflection. Unless death changed him ;-)
I think you’ve misjudged any living sole in the entertainment business, whose agents would relish getting them a booking to perform whatever inane tasks are required of them at the launch of this competition, being televised on terrestrial telly.
It’s doesn’t matter what the publicity is as long as they keep their faces in the public eye. Look at the ‘Dave’ channel, which has become a vehicle for a bunch of second rate comedians to make programs for themselves and their mates. The same faces crop up from QI to Mock the Week with a welter of forgettable garbage in between. It’s almost like an extension of You Tube. This is how ‘entertainment’ for want of a better word, is marketed these days, so The Hundred should fit in perfectly with the mentality of the time.
I’m looking forward for the ECB/BBC’s prompt publishing of the independently vetted viewing figures for the player draft…
This is the kind of insanity you get from a managerial class who’ve become divorced from all reality and all accountability. They think their wheeling-and-dealing is so thrilling and important everyone is just dying to observe it. Who exactly is the target audience for this?
BTW I wonder if fantasy leagues were created to pave the way for this sort of thing?
Simon I understand the target audience is young mums and kids who are going to rush to join the Friday night drinkers at 6pm. Yeah right. I don’t really pay much attention to this but the BBC cricket site is full of news on this auction whatever that is. I suppose they have to try and get people interested to justify wasting licence payers money on showing garbage on terrestrial TV. Why though are there players in it who won’t actually play? Oh don’t worry, I don’t really csre.
Maybe we should have a mum’s and tots tournament with nappy breaks and special breast feeding areas. That should get the lads in. We could have a load of baby related songs over the tannoy and special Bonny baby fancy dress competitions. Mums could join together for a bottle snake and the whole thing could be sponsored by the milk marketing board, if that still exists, so bringing the tax payer into the mix.
I’m sure the above is just the tip of the marketing iceberg. The potential would be huge.
To add, for entertainment in the break between innings the whole of the ECB board could be put in the stocks and the Great Unwashed can pelt them with rotten fruit, or worse. I would also have Great Dictators raving and ranting on the giant screens and Sumu wrestlers spraying the crowd with hot chocolate prior to the start. Bet the Marketing guru’s haven’t thought of that!
I think the non playing players should volunteer for your stocks where mums could pelt them with used nappies. How’s that for recycling? Much better than just kissing the ugly little buggers.
Sumo wrestlers spraying hot chocolate? Sounds like great fantasy league stuff to me.
Of course with babies in the crowd you’d have to use a soft ball. Try to swing and seam that. One more artificial advantage for the pampered batsmen.
I’m interested to know how they researched that “mums and kids” line – did they go to the average mums’ coffee morning and explain that mums struggle with counting to six? I’m guessing not as they wouldn’t have come away with the conclusion that it was a good idea.
I have the vaguest recollection that some quiz or game show in the past included the ability to ‘play a joker” which could improve the score. Can’t remember what it was.
It occurs to me that there would be no shortage of jokers available on the cricket circuit. Lead candidate would be fake Yorkshireman Michael Vaughan who surely must be desperate for a piece of the action. Then there’s Lloyd and Flintoff and possibly Rob Key – another who thinks he’s funny but isn’t. For me the advantage is that they would not appear on any cricket programmes that I wanted to watch.
That’ll be playing on my mind for ages now. I remember you played the joker to double your points score on that round, but I can’t remember the show either.
Just thought this blog may be interested in a competition run in this week’s Cricketer magazine for tickets to the Edgbaston test against the Windies next year.
Now presumably the readers of this esteemed publication could be assumed to be traditional cricket lovers, yet the prize is, wait for it…… 2 tickets for seats next to ‘Billy The Trumpet’ of Barmy Army fame. Needless to say the co-sponsors of the competition are the aforementioned Barmies. Incidentally you also get one of their t-shits signed by the England team.
What does this tell us about the state of the game today. Is it the destiny of all entertainment to be dumbed down the the lowest common denominator where we are deemed incapable of enjoying anything without formulaic extraneous noise and liquor to hold our interest.
Symptomatic of today’s haven’t got the time, got to have everything now, instant society I’m afraid. Those that promote such rubbish don’t like people like us who just want to sit quietly much of the time and savour the product without idiots in silly costumes branching about and blaring music.
Sorry though this is about coaching, the standard of which certainty in 1st Class cricket, and in other sports is not very good in my opinion. To the extent that England now feel they need a “spin consultant”. What is that? Please it sounds like Alistair Campbell.
It’s a Knockout
ECB due to appear before the Culture, Media and Sport select committee on Wednesday (although the parliamentary timetable for the week ahead has some potential for alterations because of Brexit).