Sorry Invictus fans, but I’ve got a better idea for a sports docudrama. We enjoyed watching Steve Bucknor fulfil his lifelong ambition of playing Nelson Mandela in Clint Eastwood’s recent film about the 1995 rugby world cup, but overall the film didn’t cut it. We wanted to see Brad Pitt play the chef who famously – sorry, I mean allegedly – poisoned the All Blacks on the eve of the final. Corruption and intrigue makes great viewing. That’s why I’m currently in discussions with a top Hollywood director about my idea for a new programme about possible corruption in cricket. It’s called Majeed with Children – a speculative look at how Mahzar Majeed, the reported middle-man in the recent spot-fixing scandal, has allegedly led young Pakistani cricketers astray. Oliver Stone already has some ideas about the makeup of the cast. For example, on the advice of Shane Warne, Vince Vaughan has been lined up to play Jonathan Trott.
I apologise if my jesting seems a little inappropriate, but the truth is I don’t know what else to do. After the events of the past few days I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. For the moment I’ve chosen the former. It is just so incredibly sad that allegations of match-fixing and spot-fixing have resurfaced. It’s even more tragic that one of the stars of the summer, Pakistan’s brilliant young bowler, Mohammad Amir, is at the centre of the allegations. If you were to cast Amir in my film, an Asian Leo DiCaprio would have to be found. After all, Amir is the pin-up boy of Pakistan cricket. Whilst English cricket fans would probably not be sorry to see the back of Kamran Akmal (who would surely be played by Jim Carey, as Akmal’s resemblance to Carey’s character in Dumb and Dumber is uncanny) it would be a sad loss to cricket if Amir was banned for any length of time.
As the investigations into spot-fixing continue, we’ve inevitably heard various ‘experts’ over reacting and casting doubt on Pakistan’s future in international cricket. The problem is we don’t know exactly what has transpired yet. If spot-fixing has been taking place, maybe this is a sign that the ICC’s efforts to curb actual match-fixing have been successful. Maybe players have given up fixing results and have resorted to the more innocuous (albeit still sinister) practice of fixing tiny elements of the game? Similarly, many journalists have condemned the alleged actions of Amir and company without considering all the potential circumstances. We’ve heard the argument that Pakistan’s players are underpaid – a PCB central contract is worth approximately £25,000, which is similar to the minimum wage requested by young country cricketers in England – but what about the other obvious incentive to comply with mobsters’ demands i.e. the threat of violence. Everyone assumes that cricketers participate in spot-fixing voluntarily, but surely there is a chance that players can be coerced.
I’ve also heard various people calling for Pakistan to be banned from international cricket. Again, this seems incredibly premature. Did we ban South Africa after the Hansie Cronje affair? Of course not. A few rotten apples do not make the entire team corrupt. We agree that action needs to be taken, but complicated problems often require complex solutions. It is conceivable that Pakistan may have to bow out of international cricket for a short period of time while the PCB works out its issues, but talk of an enforced ban seems harsh at this stage.
Furthermore, I’d like to stick up for the ICC, who have come under fire for failing to root out corruption after previous scandals. We admit that the ICC have never been the most dynamic of organisations (Leslie Nielsen is probably the best candidate to play their chief executive, Haroon Lorgat) but how exactly are the ICC supposed to monitor the activities of every player in the world? Furthermore, I cannot see the mob paying much attention to the actions of a sport’s governing body. Rumour has it that the black market in sports betting is worth several billion pounds per year. When this amount of money is involved, criminals will always find a way. Although my movie will probably involve Nielsen storming a mafia mansion, beating up members of illegal business syndicates (and undoubtedly whipping Osama Bin Laden’s backside in the process), the idea of suited ICC representatives doing the same is unlikely methinks.
James Morgan
If Jim Carey is to play Kamran Akmal, will he also play Umal too?
It’s an interesting point. We will have to see if Jeff Daniels is available. Or perhaps Dracula?