Cook

He might be the leader of the most ineffectual England ODI team for some time, but good old chef has plans. We’re going to win the World Cup you know. And we’re going to do it in Australia! That’s the plan anyway.

The problem, of course, is that we’re crap. Our batting is about as convincing as Alastair Darling’s recent performance in the Scottish independence debate, and the bowling looks almost as bad (which is just as damning as any other simile I might concoct). If Alastair’s cooking up anything, it’s a recipe for disaster.

The good news for the ECB is that the greatest living Englishman – the most handsome, honest, family orientated blocker in world cricket – top scored in our pitiful innings. Consequently he must be absolved from any blame whatsoever. I’m sure you’ll all agree (wink, wink).

The good thing about the Cook dilemma is that we all know how to solve it: drop the bloke. England’s other issues are a little harder to figure out.

We’ve been rubbish at playing spin for as long as I can remember. And as someone who can remember quite a lot – when he’s not downing bottles of vodka in an attempt to forget another pitiful performance of course – that’s a bit of a worry.

What on earth are we going to do? We sweep badly. We use our feet badly. We can’t pick the right ball to attack. We can’t rotate the strike. It’s a tale of misery, doom and err, horse faeces.

Meanwhile, our seam bowling has less teeth than Alf Garnet – or for those of you who can’t remember the world’s most miserable West Ham fan, Man United’s attack. Tee hee.

I’m also extremely worried about the future of Steve Finn. If a bowler isn’t incredibly accurate, incredibly cunning, or able to move the ball sideways, he must be incredibly quick to thrive in international cricket.

We all love Finn to bits, but the same rules apply to him as everyone else. He used to have pace, but now he’s operating at 82-86 mph. If he’s not quick anymore, he offers very little.

If Finn isn’t back to his best – and I think it’s pretty apparent that he aint – then he shouldn’t be in the squad.

James Morgan