Graeme Swann and some Christmas ‘facts’

Graeme Swann Facts

We’ve had a bit of a traumatic time here at TFT during the last few weeks. We’ve had a bit of fun too – Maxie’s article responding to abusive Aussie fans was particularly amusing (even if some seemed to take it too seriously) – but overall, the misery of the Ashes has somewhat overshadowed the festive build-up. Therefore, it’s time to forget our woes and get into the spirit of things.

As it’s Christmas – the season of giving – we thought we’d give you a few ‘facts’ to lighten up your day. And when we say ‘facts’, we mean ‘facts’ Derek Pringle style …

1. The person Graeme Swann thinks is ‘up his own posterior’ (or words to that effect) is indisputably, without question, Kevin Pietersen.

2. The moon is made of cheese (I think it’s brie, but I’ll double check later).

3. Santa Claus isn’t a myth. He’s alive and well and living in a bachelor pad in Woolloomooloo.

Anyone who disagrees with these three statements is obviously a complete jackass. Why? Because they make great stories of course.

Not a lot of people know this, but when Neil Armstrong landed on the moon he cracked open a packet of Jacobs and tucked in. To deny this defines all logic. Or is it ‘doesn’t sell newspapers’? I forget.

So let’s just look at the facts again. David Warner behaves like a total tool while celebrating a century. A couple of weeks before this he’d mouthed off about Jonathan Trott at a press conference. Despite these faux pas, life is pretty good for Warner at the moment; he’s in the form of his life.

Enter Graeme Swann – fresh from making controversial comments on twitter and presumably determined not to ruffle too many more feathers.

When announcing his retirement, Swann criticises cricketers for whom ‘things are going well at the moment’. He mentions one particular cricketer who has been ‘saying too much at press conferences’, and claims said player is ‘up his own backside’ and ‘due a fall’.


Given that things have been going so well for England recently, it MUST be someone from the England dressing room. What’s more, because Pietersen in particular has been in awesome form, and hasn’t suffered any setbacks in his career to date, of the seventeen players in the touring party it MUST be him!

And it definitely, definitely isn’t David Warner (the man England players love to hate).

They say that Christmas is the time for imagination and goodwill. In the case of the English media, the former is certainly true and the latter plainly not.

Happy Christmas everyone!

James Morgan


  • Mmmm. He’s reported as saying “some cricketers playing the game at the moment”. Couldn’t see any written “going well” comment. Couldn’t find him saying those words at the interview either. But revisionism is the balm for the injured and vanquished as they say. It has to be Warner doesn’t it? I mean he’s such a loathsome chap isn’t he and if Swanny is being disparaging, who else could he be speaking of. Nina the Nan knows something nasty must have happened too and the nastiest is Warner so it must be him. OK, now that’s settled we can all go beddy-byes and wait for Santa. He’s using his “small sack” for the English players this year but nothing for Warner at all apparently as we all know where he is on the naughty and nice list. Ignore that distant reversing siren as you nod off, that would be Swanny.
    In all seriousness, congrats to Graeme on a great career and his contribution to English cricket. Easy to like and an asset to the game. Well played sir.

    • I think you need to watch the second interview Swann did today. It’s pretty obvious. He says ‘it’s nobody from the England camp, it’s a particular player who is on a high at the moment, and he’s had a lot to say, and said a few things in press conferences he shouldn’t have … But this game has a habit of biting you in the bum, so his behaviour will come back to haunt him when things aren’t going so well’. That is NOT Pietersen.

      • Ahh, the “second” interview, of course, of course. All very clear and tickittyboo now thank heaven. Can you guys hear that god awful reversing siren from over there?
        Horribly annoying I have to say. Beep beep beep beep, nothing to see here folks, move on.

  • obviously Peterson any suggestion otherwise is just trolling which is pretty much all this blog does.


copywriter copywriting