You’re a great close catcher. You’re always smiling. I’ve seen you take selfies with kids on the boundary at The Oval, and even get a 50 for Lancashire at Finals Day. And yes, I think you look like Hollywood actor Matthew Lillard (see ‘Scream’ for details).
But my God, you’ve been the most frustrating opening batsman to watch.
The problem is not that you’ve looked terrible at the crease. Often you haven’t. It’s just been the terrible decisions – over and over again – that have walked you back to the pavilion.
You left balls on a swinging pitch against India this summer, and were bowled consistently.
Your stupid wafts, or leaving your gates more open than a lady in a bordello in Chinatown, have driven us mad.
And your attempt at inventiveness – the cheeky reverse sweep in the first innings against India at The Oval – just didn’t work.
You were such an aberration to a good summer that my friends and I used the words: “Oh Jennings, really?” as we watched you repeatedly shoot your toes. You’ve shot them so much that we’re shocked you can still walk, let alone bat or field.
It got so bad that you were not longer Keaton Kent Jennings, but Keaton “For ****’s sake” Jennings”.
We tried to give you a chance on Sri Lanka’s turning pitches. You had an outstanding first Test, scoring 46 and 146, and we thought: “Yes, there’s a player here”. But the cracks then reappeared with 1, 26, 13 and 1 in the following two tests.
We had our fingers crossed for the West Indies (or is it ‘Windies?’) and you were dreadful against the cricket board teams, let alone the Test teams.
And finally, the patience ran out and you were dropped for Joe Denly.
Because England seem to have an opening bat tombola, you still have hope. You’ll probably be back sooner than we anticipate – especially if Joe Denly gets a pair of pairs or Rory Burns doesn’t perform. Or the short leg drops some sitters.
But you could disappear like your fellow Lancashire player, Haseeb Hamed, who lost confidence and has never got it back. We hope that it doesn’t happen to you. We really do. But perhaps it’s best if you go back to county cricket for a while. Our frayed nerves just can’t take anymore.