Thanks to Colin Graves at the ECB strategically leaking it good journalism, I recently found a document outlining some covert ECB strategies to make the sure-fire success that is The Hundred™ even more of a sure-fire success. It was a groundbreaking plan to attract crowds of people with no interest in cricket to come and watch cricket whilst driving away those annoying die-hard Cricket Fans With Actual Standards.
As many know the likes of current England Superstars™ Joe Root™, Ben Stokes™, Jos Buttler™ and Latest Opening Batsman™ will be provided to the tournament for promotional reasons but will not have to sully themselves by playing in the new sure-fire success Cricketing Form Of The Gods™.
Instead England’s most marketable stars will be loaning their talents to a range of hitherto-undisclosed film, television and online streaming service projects devised by the people who brought you such sure-fire successes as The Hundred™ and Peter Moores.
The list below includes, but is not restricted to, the following gems :
American Hustle – Laugh-an-hour bawdy completely fictional comedy, as a group of know-nothing greedy dullards running a cricket board drop their drawers for a crooked American financier at the first sniff of cash.
Shiny Toy Story – It’s a tough time to be Sheriff Vaughan as his place as a National Treasure is threatened by the arrival of lantern-jawed New National Treasure Cookie Lightyear. Thrill as these one-dimensional cartoon characters face off in the toy commentary box to be the leader of a bunch of cast-offs!
Ten Things I Hate About You – Mike Selvey talks about Adil Rashid
Twelve Angry Men – The ex-opening partners of Alastair Cook in a round-table discussion. Yes, I know there was thirteen of the buggers but we’re not inviting Compo as he talks too slowly or looks weird or something, according to Swanny.
The Hunt For Red October – docu-drama as the ECB trial a new month for championship cricket to be played. Starring Darren Stevens.
I Know What You Did Last (Ashes) Summer – KP has done something bad. Pringle, Newman, Selvey et al know what it is but they’re not saying. 412-part Netflix drama.
The Fast and the Furious – buddy movie as tearaway speedster Mark Wood and grumpy curmudgeon Jimmy Anderson go on a Gatorade-fuelled adventure in Burnley.
Inherit The Wind – Graham ‘son of Bumble’ Lloyd enters a Sky commentary box and can’t shut the f**k up. Ever.
The Invisible Man – highlights package of Chris Woakes’ sterling efforts during the winter tours of West Indies and Sri Lanka.
Drive – Exceptionally stylish but ultimately vacuous and frustratingly under-delivering heist movie starring James Vince on the front foot.
The Lyin’ King – Heartwarming animated tale of how David Warner really turned his life around and became a saint-like figure to all the little children of Australia, no honestly he did, he’s nice as pie now. A lovely pie made of smiles and new car smell.
La-la-land – Mitchell Starc and Josh Hazlewood painstakingly explain how the recent rise in their bowling average has nothing to do with Sandpapergate.
Downsizing – Epic fantasy as a group of intrepid scientists volunteer to be shrunk to sub-atomic size in search of the smallest theoretical particle ever hypothesised – The Middle Of Keaton Jennings’ Bat.
Seven – Chilling horror as someone is murdering English cricketers according to their perceived sins. Starring Mike Gatting (gluttony) Ben Stokes (Wrath) Chris Lewis (Greed) Geoff Boycott (Pride) Gus Fraser (Sloth) Ian Botham (Lust) and Graeme Swann (Twat). Dominic Cork is on standby if Swanny cant make it.
The Good The Bad and The Ugly – Round-table discussion on wicketkeeping in the 2000s. Starring Chris Read, Geraint Jones and Tim Ambrose.
Unforgiven – I reminisce about the decision to drop David Gower for the 92-93 tour of India. It still hurts.
The Crow – Up and coming star Mark Ramprakash had his career murdered in 1994. Now he is back as an ominous spectre haunting the England dressing room, and surreptitiously dooming all who bat three to failure.
Death Wish – Chris Woakes offers to break it to Broady that “we’re going with Sam opening the bowling at Trent Bridge against the Aussies this time. Ed reckons it’ll work.”
Dumb and Dumber – “We’ll hand you over now in the commentary box to Ian Botham, and joining him is David Lloyd.”
Invictus – Phil Tufnell is given 90 minutes to spell the word “Invite”.
The Cider House Rules – Fly-on-the-Wall documentary following Ben Duckett for a week. Sequel plans include This Boozer is Not Bad Either, Who’s For A Kebab? and Do You Want Some, Anderson You Twat?