England’s worst ever test XI

Brace yourself. The following England team is a collection of the not-so-good, the bad, and in the case of Martin McCague, the ugly. It’s a compilation of misfits, one-cap-wonders, has-beens, and honest county pros that should never have played for England. In fact, you’ll barely remember some of them. So let’s take a trip down memory lane, and thank Misters Illingworth, Graveney, Miller, and Ted ‘that Martin McCaddick is a good bowler’ Dexter for giving us a few laughs over the years.

1. Tim Curtis Used to teach English at Worcester Grammar School. He was certainly taught a lesson or two by the West Indies in 1988 (5 caps, batting average 16)

2. Martin Moxon Now a career coach at Yorkshire and Durham, it’s hard to believe that Moxon once made 99 in a test against New Zealand. In the next match, he was 81no overnight at the end of the third day. Days four and five were washed out. It just wasn’t meant to be. (10 caps, batting average 28)

3. Ed Smith Good old Ed is a prolific writer and journalist. Just a shame he wasn’t so productive with the bat for England. Scored 64 in his first ever test knock, but just 23 in his next four innings. International oblivion followed. Oh dear. (3 caps, batting average 17.4)

4. Darren Maddy Not the prettiest batsman to have played the game. Missed the entire 2009 season with injury. The result? Warwickshire got promoted. (3 caps, batting average 11.5)

5. Usman Afzaal After thrashing England in the 2001 Ashes, a leading Australian player commented that English players were soft because they earned fat county contracts at a young age and thought they were the dog’s b****cks despite achieving nothing. He highlighted a recent England debutant, who had turned up to the first test with a cocky relaxed attitude and an ego the size of his flashy convertible car. The cricketer in question was Usman Afzaal. Not surprisingly the fired up Aussies sent Afzaal packing. (3 caps, batting average 16.6)

6. Aftab Habib We’ve never heard of him either, but we vaguely remember a lost looking Asian guy representing England in two tests against the Kiwis in 1999. That must have been Habib. (2 caps, batting average 8.6)

7. Richard Blakey There were quite a few candidates here, but we found the former Yorkshire keeper’s record (two tests, 4 innings, seven runs, an average of 1.75 and just two catches) impossible to resist.  Indeed he’s more famous for the name of his autobiography, controversially named Taking It From Behind, than his keeping. Stop sniggering at the back please.

8. Min Patel No, you’re probably thinking of the pie eater, this is a different Patel. Min Patel played two tests for England in 1996. He took just the one wicket. Remember who it was? Neither do we. (caps 2, bowling average 180)

 

9. Alan Igglesden When Igglesden walked into the England dressing room before his debut in 1989, England captain David Gower asked him who he was. Later that summer, Ted Dexter enthused about his latest new recruit, the little known ‘Malcolm Devon’. Not surprisingly, Gower had never heard of him either. (3 caps, bowling average 55)

10. Mike Smith Gloucestershire fans claim that Mike Smith’s England career would have been very different had Graham Thorpe held a simple chance to dismiss Matthew Elliott in just the third over of his solitary test appearance. Err … no it wouldn’t. (1 cap, bowling average n/a he didn’t take a wicket)

 

11. Darren Pattinson Miller’s folly. Former Australian grade cricketer Darren Pattinson was plucked from obscurity to play one test against South Africa at Headingly 2008. It was the archetypal ‘horses-for-courses’ selection; although the selectors failed to see that he was more of a donkey. (1 cap, bowling average 48).

Twelfth Man: Martin McCague Good old ‘Martin McCaddick’, as Ted Dexter liked to call him, was originally going to open the bowling in our starting XI. Unfortunately however, he predictably picked up an injury in the warm up.

So there you have it – England’s worst ever test XI (well, the worst since we’ve been watching cricket, anyway). Can you think of anybody we’ve missed?

James Morgan

15 comments

  • Thats harsh on Geraint Jones but I am struggling to think of a suitable replacement. Richard Blakey was poor (ave 1.75). Martin McCague could have been a good player for England and would have probably been better treated in the current set up. John Stephenson also was a 1 test wonder and it was probably one test too many.

  • Stephenson and Blakey! Really good ones there. I think Blakey should replace Geraint in the above XI …. it was very harsh on Geraint Jones, esp as he’s such a good guy. However, England have had some pretty good wicket keepers over the years, so no real duffers.

  • How about Chris Cowdrey as the skipper? He amazingly played 6 times (8 innings – average 14.42).

  • Cowdrey is a great call. We also forgot about Gavin Hamilton! Along with Richard Blakey, we are developing a rather good squad … or should that be a rather crap squad?

  • As this is a Test team, Neil Fairbrother (10 tests, ave 15.6) could be knocking on the door.

    Of course, if you were selecting England’s BEST ever one day team , he would be an automatic selection.

  • Mark Lathwell to open for my money, played against him in Devon League Cricket and he looked a bit out of his depth there

    • What made the selection of Lathwell even sillier was that they played him as an opener, and dropped Gooch – not only our best opener but at the time one of the best batsmen in the world – down to seven in the batting order.

  • I know this is a mega old thread but I saw this on the sidebar and had to comment. Many of the selectees are a fair shout, but one of my pet hates was Bill Athey, played quite a lot of games to little effect. Indeed 23 tests and averaged 22.97. It was always acknowledged that Mike Brearley was not test class but he has a record worse than him

  • Hardly fair to pick a worst XI of people who’ve only played 2 or 3 Tests. Far more interesting to pick an XI of players with 10 or more Tests.

    Pringle, surely?

    • I always hated the fact that Pringle played as often as he did, completely useless, the worst sort of bits and pieces cricketer.

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