England’s new year’s resolutions

Surely Ian Bell can do better?

Alastair Cook: Start planning for life after cricket by taking a degree in politics at Cambridge. Contact David Cameron to arrange work experience at No.10 and gets tips on becoming PM by age of forty.

Andrew Strauss: Start planning for life after cricket by taking up a sport he can play into his dotage. Suggest bowls … Andrew loves sports with a limit of four bowlers.

Jonathan Trott: Start planning for life after cricket by kidnapping Vince Vaughan and then nicking all his film roles. Nobody will notice the difference.

Kevin Pietersen: Try to play at least one match for Surrey, maybe.

Ian Bell: Find an even more attractive other half. Check with former Warwickshire teammate, Alex Loudon, whether it’s ok to pursue Pippa Middleton (dating a mate’s ex is allowed if permission is granted)

Eoin Morgan: Try not to look constipated when crouching at the crease

Matt Prior: Retire from ODIs to prevent the selectors from giving him a fifteenth chance at the top of the order

Stuart Broad: Wind up Dad by scoring more test centuries than him … with infinitely more grace.

Graeme Swann: Do something no off-spinner in the history of cricket has done before: learn to bowl a doosra without chucking it.

James Anderson: Arrange elocution lessons with David Gower – and then surprise public by giving articulate and insightful post-match interviews (for once).

Steve Finn: Take far fewer wickets … it’s the only way he’ll stay in the side

James Morgan


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