Speculation is mounting that Ben Langley, England’s new physiotherapist, is struggling with acute fatigue syndrome. The news comes as the squad’s injury list is mounting by the second. Since you’ve started reading this, Ajmal Shahzad has strained his jaw from sledging and Michael Yardy has sprained his wrist playing (bowling?) darts. The camp is also struggling with illness. Our number three batsman has got the Trotts and Jimmy Anderson has gone down with DVT (probably).
Langley should be used to this having joined England from Worcestershire, where he acted on more injuries than the cast of M*A*S*H. However, he’s seen nothing like the problems that have afflicted the England squad.
His predecessor, Kirk Russell, was well aware of the potential for disaster and got out at the right time – just after the Ashes. He himself had had several problems keeping up with the pace. In fact, some say he hasn’t been the same since Big Trouble in Little China and his marriage to Goldie Hawn (or was that Kurt Russell?).
The Aussies are also suffering from the intense international schedule. Ponting is still out with a broken finger nail, Mitchell Johnson has a bruised ego, and Doug the Rug is suffering from split ends. Meanwhile the rest of the squad has a broken spirit after surrendering the urn so meekly.
The problems don’t end there either. Nathan Hauritz has left the squad to present a new television programme called dislocation, dislocation, dislocation, and it has been alleged (not by us) that Shaun Tait is suffering from pitcher’s elbow – an injury that normally affects baseball players. There are unconfirmed reports that Muttiah Muralitharan and Johan Botha are suffering from the same injury.
Therefore, although England’s problems are severe, the Aussies are really suffering. In fact, the fire has completely gone from their bellies. It’s such as shame. They’re all burned out and they don’t even have the Ashes to show for it.