Here’s more from the excellent Jeremy Pooley and the folks at The 17th Man Diary. Looks like we’re not the only ones who enjoy extracting the Michael out of David Warner. Enjoy …
“They called him little ‘Puff’ Warner at primary school.” Christmas said. She is the team’s psychologist. “The big kids always stood in the front at Monday morning assemblies.”
“Poor bugger. Imagine being at the bottom of the English class and at the back of assembly. I guess he never saw the Headmaster read out the weekend cricket results. I didn’t realise…”
“Yes, one of the worst cases I’ve seen”, she replied sadly.
“What’s the prognosis?” I asked, squinting at Puff’s brain scan. The damage to the parts of the super temporal gyrus that interprets speech and Brachia’s area which deals with the understanding of grammar was heavily circled. Both looked like shrivelled dates a cat had ingested by mistake.
“Degenerative, typified by random misreading of events and witless sledging.”
“Can it be treated?”
“He can learn Hindi, but languages aren’t his thing… except French, perhaps.”
When I responded, it was with a heavy sigh “Yes, I guess Chaucer was not his thing.” She flicked through his school reports.
“Here it is. He wrote ‘Theoretically this should have been written in English. If Chaucer wanted to [expletive deleted] the Wife of Bath he should have done it.’ His English teacher gave him a D+. Apparently he had a point, but she wanted more.” Christmas lit up at the thought, and winked again.
I held my peace. For what it’s worth I would have marked his paper A.
The insurance assessor was happy. He ticked off the form, stamped it ‘FUTURE CLAIM NEVER TO BE PAID’ in big red letters and closed the file. “Nothing caused by playing professional cricket” , he said. He was off to see Mr. Benaud who had filed a back claim with Cricket Australia for the cost to repair his Sunbeam Alpine which he drove into a brick wall as a direct result of the mental anguish he suffered in 1952-3 when he was sledged during the second test against the West Indies in 1952-53.
Christmas explained. She had traced Puff’s behavioural slips all the way back to feelings of neglect in the back row. Apparently Puff had never forgotten the Monday morning assembly at school. The Headmaster was a useless git who thought cricket was an unwarranted distraction from Latin verbs. He never read out the scores from the weekend games in which Puff was an occasional highlight. Puff spent his time in the back row holding his breath to avoid retching on the stale air of the older boys in front. It was not unusual for one or two boys in his row to crumple in a heap during assembly from lack of oxygen. Puff never fainted; he just went red, like a toddler sometimes. Holding his breath had caused all the damage.
It wasn’t until later that I learned what Rohit Sharma had said to Puff during the game at the MCG.
Rohit: “Yahām̐ vasā gappī ātā hai”
(Here comes the fat peddler)
His partner said: “Yā usē pushbike para snāna kī patnī”
(or the Wife of Bath on her pushbike)
Puff: “Theoretically, I can’t speak Hindi. Speak English (please)?”
Rohit: “Bakavāsa banda”
Rohit: “Get lost. Chaucer lover. You are so English, just like Trotty.”
The Umpires stepped in. This exchange was holding up the game. George Bailey was already behind the over rate. In their report to the match referee, the Umpires made it clear that Rohit was holding a private conversation in his native tongue. Puff was fined 36% of his match fee for unnecessary thuggery, 10% for misinterpreting Hindi, and another 4% for abuse of Chaucer.
Silly attempt at satire and as an essay, about a C,
Missing the point really, i.e., Warner is a brilliant cricketer & as long as he keeps whacking the ball & providing entertainment & winning matches, I any anyone else who loves the gladiatorial nature of top-level cricket, couldn’t give a fig about his background, his personal life, his linguistic & verbal dexterity & or whom he mouths off at or buffs.
The bleatings of the pink gin & cucumber sandwiches brigade are miles off the mark.
When did mouthing off become “gladiatorial” rather than just being a bit of a dick?
When it’s Anderson doing it and winning Ashes series in the process.
Another thick-headed anti-Warne, anti-spectacle comment. The England Team would love a few dickies in their team.
Talk about a Freudian slip, but the point remains unsullied.
“think headed anti-Warne, anti-spectacle”
“would love a few dickies”
“the point remains unsullied”
What the fuck are you smoking? (or did you and Mister Warner have the same English teacher?)
No one is denying that Warner is an amazing cricketer and I would travel a long way to watch him bat. I would also love to have him in the England side. However, none of that changes the fact that he is a bit of a dick (which may be the real reason he is not playing today.)
Your latest response is even sillier than your first one. For the record, you ponderous cricketing flat-earther, I’ll put my tertiary qualifications, and expressive abilities in English, up against yours any time. Your point about why Warner might not be playing today is cretinous.
Please it’s supposed to be humorous. I personally don’t think that it is and I feel that Warner (bit of a prat that he may be) has been vilified by the English press far worse than Anderson for example with his Fat FC comment was. Whatever you believe or feel I am not particularly interested in reading abuse between contributors to this site. I see enough of it in the puerile childish nonsense that is thrown around in the main stream media. If you are not adult enough to disagree with some one on this site in a civilised manner please keep your comments off this site and go somewhere else.
I believe the appropriate childish response would be “he started it”. Anyway, I haven’t been abused, I’ve been entertained by a gentleman with strong opinions. (2 in an over – maybe Finn is back)
I agree than Anderson (and Broad for that matter) have got off easy over the years for their on-field behaviour. However, I am not aware that either of them has abused journalists on twitter or thrown a punch at an opposition player (though Jimmy may well have pushed Jadeja). The bottom line is, if the ICC does get serious about cracking down on player behaviour, Warner will need to pull his head in.
I have no doubts that Warner will have to wind his neck in if they crack down. Would be nice if it was just banter on the field instead of abuse.
Had I been quick witted, I would have used the line “not abuse but banter” in my comment above. Curses!