The Queen (with Beefeaters)
Queenie will start off her day in dignified enough fashion – rising to her feet as the players run out to Jerusalem and accepting the cheers of her subjects as the crowd sings her anthem. Don’t be fooled though. This is only ever going to go one way as the day wears on.
The fancy dress Queen and her Beefeaters will take a number of laps of the stand throughout the day – watch as she becomes increasingly unsteady on her feet as the day wears on and the pints rack up.
By 4pm you’ll find the whole stand rising to chant “Have you ever seen the Queen down a pint?” as she puts it away in royal style.
As the opening bowlers return for one last spell in the day, and the night-watchman nervously pads up, you’ll find Queenie orchestrating the beer snakes.
And, if it’s an Ashes test, leading the chants of “Your Next Queen is Camilla Parker-Bowles” to those wearing canary yellow.
Cookie Monster
A true crowd-pleaser, the Cookie Monster always seems like a great idea – on paper.
Although it’s the English summer (so there’s probably more danger of a freak snowstorm than there is of temperatures hitting double figures) the Cookie Monster will tune in to the weather forecast in the days leading up to the game and realise he’s got this horribly, dreadfully wrong.
It’s going to be unseasonably warm and pleasant – hot and sunny to the point that Michael Holding has packed just the one sweater, and most of the crowd are delighted. The Cookie Monster is not.
It’s too late to back out now – he’s already put down his deposit for the costume – and a sweltering day spent beside The Point is now in store. Broad will bowl one of his devastating spells but the Cookie Monster won’t see it, he’ll be sat with the Paramedics getting some treatment for heat exhaustion.
The Bloke Who Comes Fully Padded Up
Picture the scene – a jam-packed tube carriage full of commuters, smartly turned out, headphones in, avoiding eye contact at all costs – and somewhere in amongst the carnage is a bloke fully padded up and seemingly ready for a net.
At no other sport in the world would somebody turn up in full kit – complete with immaculate whites, box and a thigh-pad – simply to spectate. And this is why cricket is the greatest game in the world.
Thigh-Pad will hold you up at the gate of The Oval test as you queue to get through the turnstiles. It’s because he’s brought an actual bat along with him to complete the look, and this is proving a slight security concern. England will be 20 for 6 by the time you’ve actually found your seat.
It’s impossible to be annoyed at this total hero though. Is he here just for the laughs? Possibly. Has he come direct from a game for his village team and didn’t want to waste unnecessary time changing out of his kit? Maybe so.
Either way, you’ll find Thigh-Pad at the centre of a game of one-hand-one-bounce outside the main stand once everybody is a few beers deep into the afternoon session.
Super Mario
Oh yes indeed, you know it’s party time at the cricket once you spot Super Mario and his mates queuing for their first beverages of the day.
After weeks of assembling props and people threatening to storm out of the group WhatsApp chat because someone else has called dibs on Mario or Luigi, these guys are behind most of the fun and games across the Western Terraces and Hollie’s Stands of the UK.
Mario and co will eventually link up with the Mr Blobby’s, Pink Panthers and Where’s Wallys in attendance. They’ll hurl inflatable bananas all over the place and initiate the Mexican Waves. Some will go an entire session before noticing that there’s an actual game of cricket going on in the background.
The Guys in the Floral Shirts
Little bit of a cop out really, but this lot mean well.
Likely to feature one or two who have never been to the cricket before and therefore have no idea what’s going on, you’ll spot this group from a mile out.
They’ve been discussing fancy dress options since booking their tickets back in November, but typically they’ve left it right to the last minute. And now here they are, dressed in Hawaiian shirts and tropical garlands that they found in the offers basket at Primark on their way to the ground.
Costumes are likely to come finished off with an extra couple of co-ordinated accessories – we’re talking random bowler hats and novelty sunglasses – in an attempt to convince others that this has been carefully thought out. It hasn’t. They are totally winging it. But they’ll have a great day out all the same.
Dan Splarn
