Christmas Down Under (part 1)

Those Aussie festive memos in full…

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good boy all year, and hardly cried at all when that nasty Kevin Pietersen and the England supporters all laughed at me.

So could I please have in my stocking:

– A new radar (my old one seems to be faulty)

– A proper moustache.

– Some lovely new tattoos (Peter Siddle says I should get the stumps tattooed on my hand, so I can remind myself where they are)

– The lyrics to Sloop John B. Lots of people at the Ashes seemed to be singing it, but I couldn’t quite make out the words.

Lots of love,



Michael Clarke

We’ve got a massive year coming up, so I’m reviewing all operational aspects of the Australia set-up to ensure we can compete at every level of the game.

That’s why my New Year’s resolution is to instigate a wide-ranging overhaul of the squad’s entire approach to moisturising and skincare.

Too often we’ve been found wanting in this key area, so in 2012 I want to see the lads hit their straps from the getgo – with a Body Shop almond and tea-tree facial scrub before breakfast.

Lunchtimes will be set aside for exfoliation and pore-cleansing, while we’ll round the day off with a full Liz Earle loganberry and olbas-oil cleanse and polish.

Yes, the regime will be gruelling, but I make no apologies: if we’re to go back to the top in test cricket we need total commitment from every individual.


Dear Father Christmas,

Aw look mate, could I please have just one more year of my career? Please? And a  few runs? I’ll do anything, I promise – I’ll even be nice to Billy Bowden.


Matthew Hayden

As a Christian, for me this time of year is all about entering into a spiritual zoneitude within a wider tinsellified celebratory context, both above and beyond, mistletoe-wise.

My love of cookery is well-known, and in my personal viewification, turkey is the big impacting player at this level, in yuletide terms.

I’ll be in charge of the Hayden family Christmas culinary strata, and I believe that both preparation and the right mental attitude is paramounting in importance.

I’ll have the sprouts in the correct zonal frame, the parsnips in good channels, the cranberry sauce in the parallel performance window, and then I’ll stand at short leg and call the batsman a ‘c***’.

Since retiring from cricket I’ve launched numerous entrepreneurial projects, so for dessert I’ll be serving up my new seasonal product – The Official Matthew Hayden Christmas Pudding Flavoured Chewing Gum.


David Boon’s Christmas shopping list

1. 52 cans of VB

2. Er…

3. That’s it.


Dear Father Christmas,

My PA has attached this year’s wish-list below. Any queries, just BBM her. Ciao.

– A full length mirror

– 100 gallons of hairspray

– A silk kimono

– A 20′ by 15′ portrait of me, in oils, by either David Hockney or Lucian Freud.

– Sellotape (for Tony Greig’s mouth)

– An Australian passport


Mark Nicholas.


To be continued…

As discovered under a hotel room door by Maxie Allen


  • Which Idiot decided on a two=match Aussie vs Kiwi Test Series? It seems that we are going to get more inconclusive series from now on.

  • Even more egregious was just two tests for SA v Aus, which in terms of status should always be a marquee series.

  • One that got stuck in the post:

    Hi Santa,

    Is there any way we can erase 2011 from the history books? It’s got so bad we’ve even lost to the Kiwis at home for the first time since Captain Cook arrived. Strewth!

    … and, er is there any chance you can ban fielders behind the stumps? I don’t think it’s fair at all that rules like that exist – it penalises those of us who are over-rated dogshit.

    Looking forward to state cricket in 2012.


    P.S. Any chance you can arrange to flood New Road again when I get there next year?


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