By Our Media Correspondent, Hugh Thousandandfiveashes
CHENNAI, INDIA – A dismayed Channel 4 board were last night cursing their misfortune as they discovered that none of the team from the last England match aired on the channel in September 2005 would feature in the side taking on India in the first test.
“When we signed a multi-million pound contract to bring test match cricket back to terrestrial television, we assumed the superstars of the 2005 Ashes would feature prominently. That was the whole point of the deal,” said a high-ranking Channel 4 executive. “But where are Freddie and KP? I mean, Dom Sibley? Jack Leach? Who are these people?!”
“Whatever happened to Michael Vaughan? I don’t see Ian Botham anywhere,” remonstrated the despairing media bigwig, desperately scouring the England ranks for a familiar face. “Christ! They haven’t even included W. G. Grace!”
As the buck passed between commissioners and the ECB, one producer voiced his frustrations that Andrew Flintoff couldn’t be tempted away from his Top Gear presenting gig to boost viewing figures. “We all remember the scenes of working-class hero Fred terrorising the Aussies and drunkenly riding an open-top bus through the streets of London; he’s still the only cricketer anyone has heard of. Couldn’t we have flown him in just for this series? Surely the panel shows wouldn’t miss him that much for a few weeks.”
Channel 4 won the rights to show the England-India tussle after fighting off competition from Sky and BT. The decision to award the coverage to the channel came as a blow to the ECB, which had hoped that another 16 years of broadcast monopoly by Sky would be enough to kill off the grassroots game in England for good.
“A shot in the arm was the last thing this decaying corpse needed,” said Tom Harrison, ECB Chief Executive. “We should let sleeping dogs die – I mean, lie. We were on the verge of burning the body and taking the ashes to Australia, only for Channel 4 to reanimate this Frankenstein’s monster.”
However, producers of the programme were despondent. “Apparently this bloke Joe Root has played 100 matches – well, I’ve not seen any. I don’t subscribe to Sky as a point of principle. And as for the chap we’ve got fronting the coverage…huh, he may have 12,500 test runs, but where was he when Jones took that catch off Harmison, and Bowden raised the crooked finger? That’s what I’d like to know,” bemoaned one with a sigh.
“We’ve been duped here. This is the most blatant case of false advertising since we had to televise the virtual Grand National last spring.”
At press time, Channel 4 had shifted live coverage to MoreAllE47.
Dan Flanagan
Brilliant!!
Rumour has it that a BBC Executive switched on Channel Four, looked at the red-headed allrounder, and asked, “Who’s this lad? Couldn’t England get the Sports Personality of the Year for this tour?”
“They did get him. He’s the one – Ben Stokes, Headingley hero.”
“Well, never seen his face.”
Serious questions should be asked about Channel 4’s coverage such as what did we do to deserve the dubious benefit of resurrecting the commentary and witter of Nick Knight?
Well I certainly did nothing to deserve Rishi ‘The Sycophant’ Persad. I always thought he was pretty bad when he covers racing, but he’s even worse when he turns his hand to cricket.
I think C4 are doing a good job. They only secured the rights a few days ago so they’ve had to put this together very quickly. They’re also using the international coverage so can’t blame them for Knight. At least the comms have Mark Butcher who is good.
The main point here is accessibility.
Yes, I quite agree. It’s just great to have the game back on ‘free’ TV and getting decent viewing figures too. Given the fact they don’t control the input their coverage has been pretty good, particularly, as you say, how quickly they have had to put it together. Pity they chose Persad though !
There’s nothing wrong with Knight’s commentary.
Hey how wonderful it is to have Test cricket FTA once more!
Like Cook’s punditry though. Pretty insightful about batsmanship and tactics. Persad is a bit like Chappers on MOTD, answering questions whilst he’s asking them.
Feel they could have done more to find a team of commentators that know each other well enough to give an entertaining and informed balance. Great fan of Knight as a batsman, being a Warwickshire man, but dull as a commentator. Opportunity to introduce new blood behind the scenes not taken. Helps enormously to have so many good players on view though. If it’s had been the series in Sri Lanka would the viewing figures have been as a good. Also loads of Indians live in this country and it’s their national game.
Yes, I quite agree with you about Cook. He really provides the sort of experience-based insight that Boycott used to provide on TMS and is a natural in front of the camera.
For all the deficiencies of C4’s rushed-together broadcast team, just be thankful that we have an alternative to being forced to listen to Talksport for eight hours a day.
I agree the commentary team on Talksport are awful. I don’t know why the TV have 3 commentators on together, 2 should be sufficient. Also, I don’t understand why they have to give the score after EVERY Over. We have got eyes and this isn’t radio. Generally, the TV coverage is very good. Persad not really a cricket man though Cook is very insightful.
😂 great read