“Oi Tufnell, can I borrow your brain? I’m building an idiot.” Thus goes the famous taunt from an Australian supporter during the 1994-95 Ashes. It’s gone down in history as supposedly the “funniest” Aussie fan sledge of all time – which is not much of a boast, when you think about it.
Lame Antipodean humour aside, that notorious line randomly popped into my head the other day – and it got me thinking.
If you were going to build, not an idiot, but a fantasy cricketer, from different bits of real ones, how would you go about it?
Or to put in another way – and bear with me on this – if you had a kit of parts, based on the anatomy of all the cricketers you can think of, what kind of super-player or Frankenstein’s monster would you assemble?
Here are a few examples to get you started.
Let’s say you took Chris Gayle’s hand-eye co-ordination, Hashim Amla’s wrists, and Michael Clarke’s feet. What a batsman your hybrid creation would be.
For an all-rounder, you could perm Kevin Pietersen’s forearms, Paul Collingwood’s catching hands, and Michael Holding’s legs.
There are also some mischievous ways you could go about this. How about Merv Hughes’s moustache, transplanted on to Jonny Bairstow’s face, with Mike Gatting’s midriff and Stuart Broad’s lower limbs?
Or imagine a cricketer comprised of Wasim Akram’s head, Gladstone Small’s neck, Glenn McGrath’s body, and then James Taylor below the waist.
I think you get the idea now. So let’s be having you – we want your identikit cricketers, comprised of different elements of your favourite stars. Enter your suggestions below – and let your imagination run riot…
Not sure about physical attributes, but I’m going to say Allan Donald’s run up with Paul Adams’s (frog in a blender) action. What a bowler that would be.
Surely Taylor’s upper half with the lower half of Joel Garner would be much funnier.