By Our Local Cricket Correspondent, Pies Morgan … (aka Dan Flanagan). SOMEWHERE IN THE HOME COUNTIES, ENGLAND – An amateur cricketer was left wondering whether he could possibly meet the high standards he sets for himself as a batsman this morning, after the rule of six allowed cricket training to resume in England. The villager, David Hughes, 57, angrily declared that a month’s practice before the start of the season was nowhere near enough for him to keep his average at its almighty 13...
By Our Nepotism Columnist, Steve Jobsfortheboys AHMEDEBAD, INDIA – England captain Joe Root assured reporters that he retained full faith in his best mate Jonny Bairstow ahead of the Fourth Test against India, as “he may have made two ducks in t’book, but he racked up back-to-back tons in my heart.” Bairstow, who is apparently a cricketer as well as Root’s bestest buddy since they came through the youth system together at Yorkshire, endured a torrid time in the day-night test. Having been...
By Our Chemistry Correspondent, Alexander-Stephen Fleming. SHEIKH ZAYED CRICKET STADIUM, ABU DHABI – After four years of trial and error, courageous scientists from the United Arab Emirates finally cracked one of science’s great mysteries yesterday, as they successfully refined the sport of cricket to a single delivery per innings. “We have split the bat-om!” enthused a delighted Professor Howard Zat, dressed in a traditional garish yellow green-striped lab coat. “This discovery changes...
By Our Media Correspondent, Hugh Thousandandfiveashes CHENNAI, INDIA – A dismayed Channel 4 board were last night cursing their misfortune as they discovered that none of the team from the last England match aired on the channel in September 2005 would feature in the side taking on India in the first test. “When we signed a multi-million pound contract to bring test match cricket back to terrestrial television, we assumed the superstars of the 2005 Ashes would feature prominently. That was the...
