I’d like to extend my personal and heartfelt thanks to Australia for making the long trip over to Blighty this June. It’s really important for teams with no realistic chance of winning to come over and make up the numbers. It really wouldn’t be much of a tournament if the good teams had nobody to beat, right?
I know you’re probably a bit fed up with the English weather – I hear the damp plays havoc with Adam Zampa’s beautiful blonde surfer boy locks – but I think you should look at the bright side. It saved you from being humiliated by New Zealand too. And I’m sure Bangladesh would’ve had something up their sleeve. After all, they gave us Poms a tougher match than you guys did.
Overall though I think you’ve probably learned quite a lot on this trip. Watching a proper all-rounder like Ben Stokes at close quarters has probably taught Moises Henriques a thing or too.
And watching Eoin Morgan cream a gorgeous eighty-odd has probably taught your skipper – you know, the bloke with the ugly technique – a little bit about shot selection.
As for Pat Cummins, your boy wonder fast bowler, there’s a traditional English kids story he’d do well to read. It’s called The Tortoise and the Hare. It basically means that pace isn’t everything … especially if you’ve got nothing else in your locker. Give it a read Pat. And then pat yourself on the back for reading your first ever book.
Oh, and sorry for lulling you into a false sense of security early on when we lost a few early wickets. We only picked Jason Roy to give you a chance. God only knows what Jonny Bairstow, who’d walk into your team, might have done to your bowlers given half a chance. I guessed you’ve learned a few things about good old fashioned English charity on this trip too.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy your twenty-four hour trip home. I’d recommend a quick stop over at Hong Kong along the way. After all, they play cricket over there too. I wouldn’t recommend challenging them to a quick game though. The English ex-pats might be a bit much for you.
I guess we’ll see you in The Ashes in a few month’s time. Is that comedian Glenn McGrath still around? I think my sides might split if he predicts a five nil drubbing this time.
Your best friend and keenest admirer,
James Morgan
Unlike you to let the old foe off so lightly… Saving it all up for the Ashes ?
:-)
Is Roy still going to open in the next game ?
And will we really drop Rashid again… ?
Whilst beating Australia is always sweet and I can’t begin to describe the joy at knocking them out of the tournament, I would just like to take this opportunity to remind you of what happened to the last England team who got a bit cocky before an Ashes tour of Australia.
Shhhhhhhhhhh ;-)
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
There is truth in this. ?
Ben Stokes: kiwi
Eoin Morgan: Irish
Ashes in oz: 5-0
Nuff said
Stokes – Kiwi
Morgan – Irish
Buttler – Jarpie
Rashid – Pakistani
Roy – Dickhead (he touched the boundary by the way………!)
Adil Rashid was born in Bradford.
Jos Butler was born in Somerset.
If they are Pakistani and ‘Jarpie’, then by that logic most of the Australian team are British….
…nah, we’ve wound them up enough already.
Disappointing article James, I have admired your balanced and well thought out articles but is not what I expected from you. Enjoy it whilst you can, what goes around comes around.
Whilst England the team are doing well I can’t say the same for the England the host.
Who on earth decided to play this tournament in June?
With so many games being affected by rain, I don’t think the results and standings are a true representation of the merits of the various countries and the tournament is devalued because of it. If England win, I wonder if they will feel like they have beaten the best along the way, or just got lucky with the weather.
I’m only kidding Steve! It’s a wind up. Think Brisbane Courier Mail.
thanks James, the wind-up wasn’t immediately obvious but I can see it now.
Sadly Steve, a lot of people simply don’t care about anything but winning.
It’s not been a good tournament and very batsmen dominated and easily predictable (excluding rain rules).
Holding any tournament in England is silly unless in the height of summer
Steve O
Can I just ask, Do you think Australia deserved more than 2 points?
I’m looking forward to England Bangladesh final!!
1) James is just taking the piss which is perfectly understandable when you consider just how many nights an England supporter cries himself to sleep. (If you add to that being a Footscray supporter, you end up needing waterproof sheets well into your 50’s.)
2) If England win they aren’t going to give a fuck about who they beat or getting lucky with the weather – they’ll be too busy using google maps to work out the fastest way to get Andrew Strauss to Buckingham Palace for his knighthood. Do you reckon he’ll take KP as his “plus one?”
You had a lot of fun writing this article james, but you seem to be letting them off too lightly. Australia were awful, only Starc and Head can hold their head up high for their overall performance.
Didn’t Hazlewood get 6fer?
Well played England, they look awesome and will give (probably) India a serious run in the final.
Australia were 50 runs short, and selected the wrong team. Australia’s Portuguese ringer (Hendriques) is not international standard, and heaven knows why he was chosen instead of Chris Lynn, who many of you know is a world class white ball batsmen. He might give the team a bowling option, but the Moneyball stats say a batsmen of Lynn’s calibre has a higher value than a 0-20 runs and a few overs from Moses
We will never know, but I wonder if Australia had played two full games before the England match, if their performance would of been any different. England is playing an Australian brand of cricket at the moment – aggressive, positive and tough, such a pleasant change from the World Cup. Does Roy dating Morgan’s sister?
Anyway James, your thoughts on Pat Cummins were noted and we shall see if England’s batsmen agree with you in Brisbane and Perth!
I actually think Cummins is rather useful. I would say he’ll be a big danger in the Ashes …. but I think everyone expects him to get injured again before then!
This whole contest is no more than a second rate World Cup. Nearly everything has been weather affected so it hardly indicates who is the best. Look at today’s game, I can’t imagine paying money to watch that. I can barely watch the “highlights”. Should have been dumped years ago.
Gosh, another Doug, better change mine in case you say something really controversial and I get blamed………………
This is the kind of low brow crap I expect to find at someone else’s site ?
According to the Guardian, it was all Steve Smith’s fault for giving Stokes batting tips:
“He just gave a little tip out in India, something on my technique, something that he felt could help me with,” Stokes said. “I was losing my backside a bit when I was hitting…”
No doubt the Aussies will whinge (that’s what they do), but their 2 NR games could well have been a loss to New Zealand as well as a win against Bangladesh. I think it would then have been down to net run rate. So no guarantees the Aussies would have gone through. I can’t see Henriques ever becoming more than a “bits and pieces” player, and he’s not a no 4.
Interestingly, Stokes was giving the IPL a lot of credit for improving his one day technique (this might be a bit self-serving because he’s well paid for it, but there may be something in it).
Lastly (and away from Aussie baiting, fun as it is), which idiot told South Africa that was a knock out game, or was it a cunning ploy from Virat Kohli?
Upset a few here James :-)
Am I the only who’s found the whingeing about the weather a bit tiresome.
Yes we had a rotten week, but it can happen anywhere in the world, I seem to remember the last 2 major tournaments having shortened semi finals (and they were in Australasia and India)
Australia got 2 points in this tournament which is exactly what they deserved.
I’m hoping the Ashes will be a lot closer than last time, but I think at this stage you’d be foolish to judge either side on a week of One day cricket.
England have serious questions to answer with the test side (have we forgotten India) , so at this stage and on home turf Australia are massive favourites.
As for the tournament, it still has relevance because no-one is missing, there aren’t any weakened sides and players seem to like the short format , where they can give their all and be back home after 3 weeks.
Not like a world cup, which takes a month to get going
What’s a Jarpie? I thought Buttler was one of the few England players we had actually managed to home grow rather than buy in from overseas.
Jaapie is a nickname for South Africans that’s not as widely used down under as it used to be. In SA itself the term is regarded as an insult
It’s not an insult, otherwise of would not of used it! Jarpie, by the way, is pronounced Yarpie. My SA friends and team mates do not consider it an insult.
Do Kiwi’s, Paddy’s, Jock’s, Poms, Taffy’s, Argies, Yanks, etc feel insulted?
Ah OK. I stopped using it a few years back when a Saffa commented to the NZ media that one Saffa calling another one a Jaapie would start a fight as it’s used as an insult in SA. It was quite widely used (pronounced with a Y) as a general non-insulting nickname for South Africans in NZ prior to that, it’s largely been replaced by “Saffa” in NZ now