In the wake of Tim Nielsen’s sudden resignation as Australia coach, the ‘Australian Golds’ (ha!) are beginning a search for a new supremo.
Judging by previous incumbents the qualities the ACB require are (a) annoying your best player – see the Buchanan-Warne debacle, (b) a willingness to take the blame for the team’s failures, (c) overseeing numerous Ashes debacles (well, two at least), and (d) getting the bare minimum from players that used to be world class, but now play like class holes.
As a result, I have the perfect candidate in mind: me.
I am more than willing to pick a fight with Mike Hussey. I’m happy to act as a punch bag for the Aussie media (I’ll even bait journalists at press conferences for extra coin). I’m also prepared to let England win the next Ashes series even more easily than they won the last. And finally, I have no intention whatsoever of improving the fortunes of Australia’s leading players. I quite enjoy Mitchell Johnson’s bowling as it is thank you very much.
As a great believer in the laissez-faire approach to coaching, my plan would be to sit on my backside and do absolutely nothing – other than making snide remarks from the corner of the dressing room to undermine Phil Hughes’ confidence. I’ve got a few up my sleeve already, like calling him David Brent on account of his inability to move his feet in a coordinated manner.
I’m also planning to steal Doug Bollinger’s hair-hat before the start of play. My rationale will be that ‘great cricketers don’t care about their appearance (just look at Boon, Big Merv and Bill Lawry) Dougie needs to man up’. Of course, those who know me will realise this is just an excuse; I need a wig myself but can’t afford one.
My final plan would be to reverse the batting line-up. To explain this one, I’d employ the logic used by coaches all around the world to justify the deployment of nightwatchmen i.e. we can’t trust our specialist batsmen to survive the last few overs, so we’re going to get someone inferior to do it instead.
My ingenious strategy would simply take this logic further: the Aussie batsmen can’t be trusted to keep their wickets in hand at any point in the day, so why not shield them indefinitely? Besides, if the aforementioned Phil Hughes was batting number 11 against an ageing ball, and was ‘not out’ more often, his average would surely improve.
Of course, none of my plans would work. Some of them are even more stupid than Australia’s selection strategy. The funny thing is, if by some miracle I was appointed Aussie coach, and had the opportunity to implement my schemes, I probably couldn’t do any worse than Tim Nielsen.
James Morgan
I worry your random coaching techniques could be exactly what Australia need to have the freedom to express themselves. Please don’t apply.