A Tribute To Our Australian Overlords

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kangaroo_boxinggloves

So there you have it. Australia are world champions – something most of us predicted months ago. I haven’t looked back at the history books, but I’d be surprised if any country has won a world cup so easily.

The Aussies were streets ahead of any other team in the tournament and thoroughly deserved their title. You tend to get exactly what you deserve in professional sport: the Aussies got their day of national celebration, whereas England …. well, exactly.

As a miserable pom it’s tricky to know how to respond to Australian sporting triumphs. Some of us become all bitter and try to find fault with the Aussies (no matter how inappropriate). No doubt some will question the moral fibre of individuals like David Warner, or criticise the Canary Yellow’s penchant for needless sledging, but honestly what’s the point? It just comes across as sour grapes.

Others will try to argue that the Aussies were lucky or cheated – maybe the bails didn’t come off when the ball cannoned into Steve Smith’s stumps because Tubby Taylor had left chewing gum in the groove?

All these excuses are obviously nonsense. The Aussies won because they have the fastest bowlers and the biggest hitters – with a couple of proper test batsmen acting as cement. Power to them.

I’m afraid there’s only one thing all decent Englishmen we can do in situations like this: be excellent losers and congratulate the Aussies on their success. We can’t win anything ourselves, so we might as well be gracious and classy in defeat.

And of course, the Aussies would much prefer it we became bitter and twisted – so let’s follow Mike Brearley’s advice and always do exactly what the enemy wants least (wink, wink).

Please join me in endorsing the following statement …

 

Dear Australians,

We are in complete and utter awe of your world conquering cricket team. You are a living embodiment of true class, and we look upon you with admiration and envy.

Your players are all fine gentlemen. They are athletes of considerable talent, skill, grace, daring, strength and character. One might call them contemporary supermen.

How we admire the transformation of the Australian nation – from convict colony to one of the pillars of western civilization: a shining beacon of modernity, dynamism and sporting eminence.

It surely won’t be long until the great nation of Australia – the lucky country – takes its rightful place as the sixth permanent member of the UN Security Council.

And if it doesn’t happen soon – or if the nasty Chinese and Americans insist there’s no room for you – then perhaps us antiquated British folk should do the decent thing and step down.

Momentum is with you, Australia. How can a country like ourselves – a nation clearly past its sell by date – resist seemingly inexorable anthropological forces?

Us Brits may not be able to play cricket (or rugby, or football, or hockey, or swim very fast) but we recognise greatness when we see it.

Therefore, without further ado, our Queen shall not only grant you full independence, but also (in an unprecedented move) swear fealty to your own Australian queen …. you know, the one who sang Especially For You, The Locomotion and all those other songs we couldn’t get out of our head. She has a far nicer bum than our queen anyway.

We should be so lucky to call you, our former servants, ‘master’.

 Yours Inadequately,

The English Nation.

 

James Morgan

@DoctorCopy

45 comments

  • Totally endorse what you say James and although it hurts to admit it, we are light years away from them in every sense. I really do fear for us this summer.

    Best thing uttered by the commentators on Sunday morning was by Mark Nicholas…. “and now it’s to hand over to someone else in the commentary chair”

    • I think the best thing for England is to play the best. At least then we know where to aim, how good we need to be.

  • I would have said that their teams of 2003 and 2007 probably won the world cup even more easily than this side and were probably a little more complete, but even so it is hard to fault the end product.

  • Nice kangaroo!

    Fair play to the Aussies. It ain’t their fault that our side is rank and our management is even more rank. They’ll deserve the records and averages that they’ll plunder this Summer. You can imagine The Cook Cult sooner or later bemoaning our negativity and that “something should be done” about us.

    Can there be anyone in England, bar the ECB, that thinks the Aussies won’t be our cricket overlords come the end of the third Ashes test? If there is, I want a pint of whatever they’re on.

    In fact, I think the Kiwis will be owning us, too. Heck, even the West Indies should fancy a piece of us as well. Great motivational speech there, Colin. That’s the immediate future. The longer term future is more horror. Pakistan and South Africa will rinse us out.

    Time for a cricket coup coz this bunch of turkeys ain’t switching themselves out. A demonstration at a test match? Either inside or out the ground? Black arm bands? Anything at all?

    • Not a happy bunny are you 🙂 have to say I more or less share your sentiments. Will pass on our team being rank though. We have a posse of very sweet boys. I hope they do well. Bless.

  • Cricketing differences alone are self explanatory.

    The greatest complement I can give the Aussies is how wonderfully well the players – to a man – come across in interview. Charming, polite, self deprecating, but, above all, worldly and knowledgeable. England players under questioning come across as moronic, neutered, immature, bereft of life skills. Pretty much to a man

    Being a cricketing God and a level headed human being. We can’t get close

  • The sad thing is, about 18 months ago we had the chance to set out down a similar route to the Aussies, with at least the potential of similar results. 3 of the fastest scoring test batsmen plus 3 big hitting one day specialists making up the top 6, followed by a couple of genuine all rounders and some genuinely good quick bowlers at the bottom of the order. But no, we went with the 1999 approach of slow and slower.

  • Australia are a formidable steamroller at home and their battery of pace bowlers in particular is staring to look quite awesome (especially if Pattinson and Cummins can overcome their fitness troubles). That they won the WC without Warner or Faulkner needing to contribute much with the bat says a lot. Steve Smith just looks like he’ll never get out.

    There are still some question marks about them abroad though. Sadly for us, I think they’ll start dispelling them this summer.

    One interesting question for them is whether they’ll give Glenn Maxwell an extended go in Tests.

  • Hmm, so, they’re good at cricket.

    Not much good at anything else – they even managed to send the passport numbers of the free worlds’ greatest leaders to a footbal tournament somewhere in Asia.

    However, I WOULD really like if Jason Gillespie would become our next England coach and teach us just how the Aussies do all that stuff!

    • We already know how the Aussies do all that stuff because we did it too in 2005 and a few years after that. I think that we scored over 400 in a day 3 times over that 5 match series. I can’t remember doing it since then though?

  • We all knew Aus were the best side, giving NZ and SA an outside chance ‘on their day’ and I have no sour grapes towards them. HOwever, I do think something needs doing about their sledging. It’s a blight on the game and youngsters are copying it on saturday afternoons. It’s simply not required. You can play just as ‘hard’ by simply playing cricket without saying a single word to or about the batsmen etc.

    ICC and each nation needs to act and act now.

        • Australia are the worst but England are just as bad? How does that work?

          Maybe you only notice Australia doing it because they back it up.

          • Sledging is something I really hate. I must admit its not the sledging that goes on in the international game that bugs me so much (as it doesnt really directly affect me) but the way it exists now in club cricket. I’ve seen captains have to threaten opposition players with physical violence if they didn’t stop sledging the younger members of their sides (and I mean 14 and 15 year olds). This is in NZ club cricket by the way.

          • England are bad, but Australia are worse. It is not welcome in the game. Sledgers should be given an automatic one match ban.

  • Yes James that is very good. I am pleased for Australia but would have liked to see New Zealand win – I had a bet with my old man from the very beginning. Still have lots of Aussies in my family and they will be celebrating.

    What can we complain about? We were rubbish and I don’t think there is anyone who can explain that away. Not even Messrs Newman, Selvey and Pringle can explain it away. No of course what they will do is either 1) As James said we should do (Mr Selvey having a pop at Australian Captain in the most awful way. 2) As Newman did by telling us all that “we” — as in us Brits — don’t really care about ODIs because we all prefer Test cricket.

    Simon Hughes who said to moi – more or less – England should never have KP in the team because he “slagged off his captain (now when did that happen). The ECB (that didn’t happen until the book, whilst the ECB spent all year slagging KP off. And half his team — methinks he needs an abacus!!!

    1. Oh and when I said we should pick our best, in form, players, I think he nearly lost his lunch! In form is overrated it seems to Mr Hughes.
    2. Alistair Cook is only person to lead England: He’s a nice bloke and I had dinner with him last night (code: so he must be okay; Wonder who paid?)Yawn, yawn, yawn. I can’t even be bothered to look what Pringle is saying. He’s probably still telling everyone that it is all KPs fault.

    No grace in any of these people and the old lags are still dragging their feet. Haven’t seen Cork, Bob Willis, MOG – Miserable Old Git, Mark Nicholas (I change my mind as often as I change me Y fronts) and all the other former players who are constantly being nasty. Let’s not forget Andrew Strauss — the man who can only use words of 4 letters when uttering lyrical prose about KP.

    Oh it is so “ungentleman-like” (as Jane Austen wrote in Pride and Prejudice). Our betters tell us that Cook — I’m running out of toys to throw out of my pram — is from the right sort of family from the right sort of background. Yay Right.

    Gracelessness appears to start at the top of the ECB and slides all the way down that greasy pole.

    Good on both the Aussies & New Zealanders who had their fisticuffs & fights and power play etc etc. Worked it all out between themselves and succeeded in this WC. Good on New Zealand who told the management (in code) to get stuffed and worked out a way of being a team and coming so close to a great win.

    Okay you England Cricket and Players: stuff yer rules and regs and toffy nosed crap. Sort yer bloody selves out and start playing some decent cricket, or become a minnow team for the next WC.

  • Australia has announced its Ashes squad.

    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/cricket/32126148
    http://www.espncricinfo.com/australia/content/story/857475.html

    I know he isn’t well liked around here, but Aggers had a few interesting comments in this article:

    http://www.bbc.com/sport/0/cricket/32105812

    “As a left-armer, Starc naturally takes the ball back into the right-hander, stopping someone like McCullum from freeing his arms. He does that consistently, frequently throwing in those devastating yorkers.

    I expect to see him bowling very well against England this summer. Before this tournament, we knew all about Mitchell Johnson, but now we are aware of Starc’s threat too.

    Mitchell Starc ended the tournament with the best ever World Cup bowling average (min 15 wkts): 22 wickets at 10.18
    They have formed a trio with Josh Hazlewood, a strapping seam bowler who should also be suited to English conditions, and Australia also have the likes of Ryan Harris, James Pattinson and Patrick Cummins in reserve.

    It is that depth of fast bowling that has an Englishman quaking in his boots when thinking about what might happen in the Ashes.”

    So, now that the Australian side has been announced – time for everybody to start nominating their dream England team for this Ashes series.

    • I’ll nominate:

      Strauss, Trescothick, Vaughan*, Bell, Pietersen, Flintoff, G Jones+, Giles, Hoggard, Harmison, S Jones. 12: Collingwood.

      Watch your 2005 Ashes DVDs on the 10th anniversary of each day’s play. It might be the only chance you get to dream sweetly this summer.

  • The selection of the 35 year old Voges is interesting. Since the recent success of Rodgers and Haddin through 2013, 14 & 15 the Australians seem to now be of the view that it is best to pick an in form player regardless of his age, and resist the temptation to try and guess which of the youngsters have “promise”. Its interesting though that Voges has managed to get to 35 with a FC average of 45, without previously catching the eye of the Test selectors.

    • That might mean ion the past couple of years he’s actually gone interstellar with runs and – perhaps – some massive not-outs. He must’ve been doing summat right, recently.

  • I have to say we ought to resist the temptation to be too generous about the Australians.
    After all, Haddin has just claimed that the over the top sledging of NZ was a necessary response to their being intolerably nice to the Australian team the previous time they met…

    And I don’t think he was joking.

  • Thought it was interesting that Siddle made the squad ahead of Cummins. Don’t really see him playing much of a part unless there’s injuries,in which case I would rather see Pattinson or Cummins givin a crack. Siddle has been a good servant,accurate but a bit pedestrian. Credit to the selectors for picking players based on shield form. Must have been bloody tempting to include Maxwell in the squad. Can’t wait anyway,love the ashes!!

    • Pattinson’s injured again.

      I’m guessing Siddle’s there because of who else is playing; Harris, Marsh, and Watson will quite possibly all be in Australia’s first choice XI. Pick Cummins as well and they’d have an outside chance of ending up with only one bowler fit part way through the first innings.

      If they get some unresponsive pitches and need to put some big overs in they need a workhorse to take the pressure off their more fragile members.

      • I don’t the injury is to serious. I doubt M.Marsh and Watson will be in the same XI. Too early to say which bowlers will be fit come 1st test as there never all fit at once! I just think Aus needs to play to their strengths will is quality seam. Ashes not a foregone conclusion as England can still get at our batsmen in conditions where the ball is moving in the air. Anderson needs a bit of back up though. Who besides Broad do you think will step up?

        • That’s the strange thing about the Australian bowling: they’ve got huge depth at the moment but their combinations can be quite awkward to get right. Lehmann’s plans are – quite rightly – based on a five-man attack. They use MJ in four over spells. When he bowls longer than that (or too many overs in the day) his pace drops and he becomes a lot more ordinary. They did the same with Pattinson before him. They also have to manage the workload of Harris, of course – they gave him half the Shield season off, didn’t play BB, and is missing the WI on paternity leave, just to keep him going for the Ashes. They need the other three bowlers to do a lot of the donkey work. Lyon will be one, so they’ll need Watto and one other pacer. The problem is that Watson’s not really up to it physically these days. He’s only really good for a few overs. Pattinson’s probably the next best pacer but he has similar problems of fragility. I don’t think he’s injured seriously at the moment, no, but he’s coming off a year or more of persistent injuries and they decided they couldn’t pick him injured given his history – word is he may join the party later. Marsh may be picked as a batsman who can bowl to help cover the physical weaknesses. Another possibility is that Watson will fail in the WI – or get injured – and be out permanently. I get the feeling he’s pretty much on his last chance. He might be out already if Marsh hadn’t got injured.

          For England, ugh, bloody hell, who knows? Anderson and Broad frankly look buggered and clueless. Anderson particularly seems to have lost the confidence to pitch the ball up and let it swing. Saker’s bowling plans last year – pitching it halfway down on green wickets – were just a nonsense and seems to have had a lasting effect. If those two can come back strong and make the ball talk the way we’ve seen in the past (and rediscover a couple of yards of pace) England will compete, but it seems a big if right now. As a third pacer I would go with Plunkett. He’s genuinely quick and moves the ball later. They used him poorly last year but he showed what he can do. Hopefully Stokes will have form with bat and they can use him as the stock bowler with Moeen. That would actually be a very decent attack. Unfortunately I think they prefer Woakes to both Plunkett and Stokes. If they do that, I may actually combust with rage. I’ve actually got tickets to Lord’s and it’s a long way to come to see us get pumped. If I want to watch Haddin piss all over a grade attack again I can just wander down to Waitara Oval on Saturday.

  • I know I might be veering off track and possibly dangerous so, but is anyone just a little more optimistic about this summer after seeing the squad the Aussies have picked? A lot of bowlers carrying rather heavy legs, and a few batsmen too? The likes of “Big Show” and “The Goat (cf Kevin Pietersen) nowhere to be seen as they could potentially turn a game with the bat from the middle order.

    • maxwell is a limited overs player, as is falkner. tbh, I’d have been slightly more optimistic WITH them in the team. The fact they’ve gone for proper cricket players over them shows they are selecting on merit/skill over reputation or sentiment.

  • 2 batsmen who’ve been in absolutely blistering form of 12-18 months in Smith & Warner, plus Clarke and Haddin always plays well against us.

    Their seam bowling will be excellent and Lyon is a tidy spinner with the rest of that attack. It looks a solid squad to me.

    There might be one or two cracks in the batting, as we even saw last time around last winter, their’s is a batting line up you can get at, but, even if Broad and Anderson are fully fit (which is questionable) and in form still think we lack a current credible 3rd and 4th seam option, so it might be hard for us to even press home any advantages that come up.

    As ever, I suspect those 2 will be bowled into the ground by the 3rd test that they lose their potency massively later iin the summer.

    Their bowling is less likely to be as charitable unless 2 or 3 them go down injured.

    All in all, I don’t expect England to get hammered completely and it will be quite closely fought, still think Aussies win 2-1 or 3-1 depending on the weather. I may flip flop horribly on this later in the summer if we somehow do well against both the Windies and NZ and we magically conjure up a couple of extra bowlers.

By James Morgan

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