A Bunch of Crocks

Back in 2007, Billy Birmigham’s brilliant 12th Man CD Boned! liberally berated us Poms for picking a squad of sicknotes. He even joked about a Channel 9 special edition photo depicting the various injuries: there was Paul Collingwood with a ball lodged in his mouth, and of course, Steve Harmison suffering from homesickness. It was titled A Bunch of Crocks, and was available for ‘just’ $500 dollars framed, and $600 unframed (I forget the exact numbers involved, but you get the idea).

How satisfying it is that the boot’s on the other foot now. Cricket Australia announced this week that Mitchell Starc has a stress fracture of the lower back and will miss the upcoming Ashes series down under. That’s exactly the same injury that has already ruled Pat Cummins out of the series.

Meanwhile, there must be some doubt over the inclusion of RyanHarris, who inevitably pulled a hammy in the latter stages of The Oval test, and James Pattinson, who went home after Lord’s. Although these two should be fit for the first test at the Gabba, it’s hardly a dead cert. These guys basically live in A&E. If they were cars, nobody would insure them.

So who exactly will make it to Brisbane in one piece? In Billy Birmingham’s comic masterpiece, England’s manager Sir Anthony Hardboiled-Egg, was forced to call up Tony Grieg and Mark Nicholas from the commentary box. Maybe Rory Bremner could do an equivalent spoof in which Shane Warne, or the great Richie Benaud himself, are forced out of retirement. I think we’d all pay to see that.

More realistically, however, perhaps we can expect to see a recall for good old Mitchell Johnson. He’s looked pretty good in the ODIs this year, hasn’t he.

Mitch still bowls with good pace – he looks twice as dangerous as pedestrian medium pacers like MacKay and Faulkner – so there’s a case for his inclusion. The negative, however, is that Johnson could get the yips at any time. Let’s face it, his action is about as orthodox as his tattoos are tasteful.

The other option for the Aussies would be to recall Hilfenhaus – the man who bowls near 90mph according to Australian speed-guns, but about 70mph everywhere else in the world.

Hilfenhaus has always been a reliable bowler – he’s a poor man’s Matthew Hoggard – but I doubt England would lose too much sleep over a pace attack of Johnson, Hilfenhaus and Siddle. These were the guys who surrendered the Ashes in 2009 and 2010/11. They’re more likely to play Cook and Trott back into form than get them hopping around the crease.

It hasn’t all been negative news on the injury front for Australia though. The ACB also announced yesterday that Jackson Bird, who pulled out of the recent tour due to back stiffness, hasn’t suffered anything too serious and will be bowling again soon.

However, after his disappointing performance at Durham, where Bird looked about as threatening as a baby brandishing a pink pacifier, this could equally be interpreted as good news for England. Rarely have we been so underwhelmed by a bowler with such a terrific first class record. The lack of batting depth in Shield Cricket must be as bad as reported – not that England’s cupboard is stacked at the moment.

In some ways, it’s a shame that injuries are decimating Australia’s ranks. We’d all like to see the best players playing as much as possible – especially in showpiece events like the Ashes. What’s more, we don’t want either team to have any excuses when they lose.

However, before you start to feel sorry for our antipodean cousins, think back to the 1990s, when Gough and Caddick were invariably injured, but the likes of Alan Mullally and Craig White were always fit. C’est la vie.

James Morgan