England’s worst ever XI

The following England side is a collection of the not-so-good, the bad, and in the case of Alan Igglesden, the ugly. It’s a compilation of misfits, one-cap-wonders, has-beens, and honest county pros that should never have played for England if common sense had prevailed. In fact, you’ll barely remember some of them. So let’s take a trip down memory lane, and thank Misters Illingworth, Graveney, Miller, and Ted ‘that Martin McCaddick is a good bowler’ Dexter for giving us a few laughs over the years.

1. Tim Curtis Used to teach English at Worcester Grammar School. He was certainly taught a lesson or two by the West Indies in 1988 (5 caps, batting average 16)

2. Martin Moxon Now a career coach at Yorkshire and Durham, it’s hard to believe that Moxon once made 99 in a test against New Zealand. In the next match, he was 81no overnight at the end of the third day. Days four and five were washed out. It just wasn’t meant to be. (10 caps, batting average 28)

3. Ed Smith Good old Ed is a prolific writer and journalist. Just a shame he wasn’t so productive with the bat for England. Scored 64 in his first ever test knock, but just 23 in his next four innings. International oblivion followed. Oh dear. (3 caps, batting average 17.4)

4. Darren Maddy Not the prettiest batsman to have played the game. Missed the entire 2009 season with injury. The result? Warwickshire got promoted. (3 caps, batting average 11.5)

5. Usman Afzaal After thrashing England in the 2001 Ashes, a leading Australian player commented that English players were soft because they earned fat county contracts at a young age and thought they were the dog’s b****cks despite achieving nothing. He highlighted a recent England debutant, who had turned up to the first test with a cocky relaxed attitude and an ego the size of his flashy convertible car. The cricketer in question was Usman Afzaal. Not surprisingly the fired up Aussies sent Afzaal packing. (3 caps, batting average 16.6)

6. Aftab Habib We’ve never heard of him either, but we vaguely remember a lost looking Asian guy representing England in two tests against the Kiwis in 1999. That must have been Habib. (2 caps, batting average 8.6)

7. Geraint Jones A controversial choice perhaps, but the fact remains that his keeping was below standard and his batting record, which got him selected, was worse than his primary rival for this title, Steve Rhodes (average 24.5). We decided to go easy on Warren Hegg, because he only played twice and didn’t drop any important catches. (caps 34, batting average 23.9)

8. Min Patel No, you’re probably thinking of the pie eater, this is a different Patel. Min Patel played two tests for England in 1996. He took just the one wicket. Remember who it was? Neither do we. (caps 2, bowling average 180)

9. Alan Igglesden When Igglesden walked into the England dressing room before his debut in 1989, England captain David Gower asked him who he was. Later that summer, Ted Dexter enthused about his latest new recruit, the little known ‘Malcolm Devon’. Not surprisingly, Gower had never heard of him either. (3 caps, bowling average 55)

10. Mike Smith Gloucestershire fans claim that Mike Smith’s England career would have been very different had Graham Thorpe held a simple chance to dismiss Matthew Elliott in just the third over of his solitary test appearance. Err … no it wouldn’t. (1 cap, bowling average n/a he didn’t take a wicket)

11. Darren Pattinson Miller’s folly. Former Australian grade cricketer Darren Pattinson was plucked from obscurity to play one test against South Africa at Headingly 2008. It was the archetypal ‘horses-for-courses’ selection; although the selectors failed to see that he was more of a donkey. (1 cap, bowling average 48).

Twelfth Man: Martin McCague Good old ‘Martin McCaddick’, as Ted Dexter liked to call him, was originally going to open the bowling in our starting XI. Unfortunately however, he predictably picked up an injury in the warm up.

So there you have it – England’s worst ever test XI (well, the worst since we’ve been watching cricket, anyway). Can you think of anybody we’ve missed? And how do you think they would fare against Bangladesh? Whisper it quietly, but the Tigers might actually win against this lot.

James Morgan

  13 comments for “England’s worst ever XI

  1. Tom
    December 8, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Plenty of competition here, but personally I’d find room for Paul Terry. The first test match I ever saw was at Old Trafford 1984 against the West Indians. He was out there for about 10 minutes before getting his arm broken by Winston Davis and never played for England again. (2 tests, batting average 5.3).

  2. Captain Spectacular
    December 12, 2010 at 1:36 am

    Difficult to top, though you’ve not picked a coin-flipper. How about a pre-test trial match against this lot?

    1. John Stephenson (1 test, av 18)
    2. Hugh Morris (3 tests, av 19)
    3. Mark Lathwell (2 tests, av 19.5)
    4. Alan Wells (1 test, av 3)
    5. Chris Adams (5 tests, av 13, wkts 1)
    6. Chris Cowdrey (captain) (6 tests, av 14, wkts 4)
    7. Adam Hollioake (4 tests, av 10, wkts 2)
    8. Chris Read (15 tests, av 19)
    9. Chris Schofield (2 tests, av 22, wkts 0)
    10. Chris Silverwood (6 tests, av 7, wkts 11)
    11. Ed Giddins (4 tests, av 7, wkts 12)
    12th men:
    Dermot Reeve (3 tests, av 25, wkts 2) in case one of the new Botham’s breaks down on eve of match. Gareth Batty (7 tests, av 20.5, wkts 11) in case we need a second shite slow option.

    Question: Is ‘Chris’ the most cursed name in tests?

  3. April 3, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    Might be coming to this a bit late – but how about Scottish turned English turned Scottish again Gavin Hamilton. Made one test appearance as a supposed “all-rounder” – got a pair and didn’t take a wicket. I think that makes him the only test player to never get on the scoreboard…

  4. The Full Toss
    April 3, 2011 at 3:45 pm

    Good shout, Will!

  5. The Full Toss
    April 15, 2011 at 2:21 pm

    Many months have past since we originally wrote this. We’d like to apologise to Geraint Jones. Surely Richard Blakey was a lot worse! Forgot about him.

  6. Danny
    November 22, 2011 at 3:31 pm

    I realise I’m pretty late to the party on this one, but my first priority is to defend RJ Blakey, any stumper who pens a book called “Taking It From Behind” is OK with me.

    For your consideration I’d like to offer former Derbyshire man John Morris. His average of 23 from 3 caps is bolstered by a retired hurt and a not out. If these figures in themselves are not weighty enough credentials, I hold him complicit in the ultimate demise of David Gower. By willingly co-piloting Lubo on his Tiger Moth mission rather than suggesting that their time might be better spent in less Gooch-vexing pursuits such as nets, press ups or triathalons he ensured that both his own and Gower’s (rather more glittering) career crash landed.

    I could be wrong but I seem to recall that he bowled the delivery that saw Brian Charles Lara over the 500 run line in his monumental 501 N.O.

  7. Jeff
    July 29, 2012 at 11:05 am

    Gallian butcher ramprakash hick Crawley bopara read Mahmood udal such batty.

  8. The Full Toss
    August 15, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    Jeff. I love the way you’ve picked 3 off spinners. Your team really would be the worst of all time. Would Bopara take the new ball?!

  9. Rocket
    August 22, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Alan Wells

  10. lol
    October 4, 2013 at 6:00 pm

    Oh yeah just put ask the British Asians in there why don’t you

    Racist… Typical Brit.. No wonder nobody can’t stand British folks anymore

    • tom
      December 19, 2013 at 10:47 pm

      Two british asians. Two. Out of eleven. Both of whom have had pretty crap test careers. Picked two who started off at lancashire two, is he discriminating against lankys too? You fucking helmet.

  11. Liam
    January 27, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    Cant believe Bopara is not on here

  12. Phil
    July 15, 2014 at 7:30 pm

    There’s plenty to choose from but Gavin Hamilton has to be the worst

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