We all knew there was a dearth of talent in Australia, but we didn’t realise the situation was this bad. It was announced yesterday that Melbourne Stars are set to sign a professional poker player for this year’s Big Bash T20 League. What’s more, the bloke in question is forty-two years old.
Melbourne’s new signing looks vaguely familiar but it’s hard to say exactly who he is. He looks a little bit like an Aussie leg spinner that used to terrorise English batsman, but his skin is too tight around his forehead, his cheeks too moisturised, and his nails too manicured to be a former professional cricketer.
What’s more, he’s got a celebrity Mrs who once played Miss Kensington in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. It can’t be the same bloke who took over 700 test wickets, can it?
Interestingly enough, Melbourne’s new star has automatically become the best spinner in Australia – replacing Xavier Doherty, Michael Beer, and David Pilkington (a seventeen year old Englishman who is currently backpacking his way from Cairns to Brisbane). There are even calls for the ageing larrikin to be called up to the Australia test team – even though this would breach his contract with L’Oreal, as cricket balls pose a real and present danger to his perfectly groomed nails.
However, the news that the Big Bash is being sponsored by KFC suggests that our mystery bowler might actually be the former world record holder after all. The sponsors are offering the winners of the competition a lifetime supply of zinger burgers and chicken skin. Maybe it really is Shane Warne?!
James Morgan
I wish people would stop using those creepy shots of that strange man.